Tuesday, December 30, 2008

morning observations by Gwen

We wake up this morning. Have a nice snuggle. A fun tickle. Always great conversations! MAN! Do I love our family bed!! :)
Gwen: Ears are for hearing.
Me: Yep and what's a mouth for?
Gwen: Nose is for smelling things.
Gwen: Mouth is for biting.
Me: Yep, and also for tasting and talking!
Gwen: and you can scream loudly at YOUR house but NOT at grandma and grandpas house!
Me: (waking Shaun and laughing my butt off!) Yep, that's right! It's like jumping on the bed.. you can do that at your house but NOT at Gram and Gramps house... Yep, she 'gets' it!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Happy Anniversary to my ovaries

Yep, that's right! I'm wishing a Happy anniversary to my little egg releasers! For today is the day 1 year ago that I ovulated and Dresden was conceived. It's all about being in the right place at the right time.
Here is Gwen giving her baby bro some love in August! :)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Acts of Kindness

Last night after leaving Christmas at Ma and Papa's house we came home.. to our snowy driveway. I got a bit stuck while pulling in, and then eventually was able to back out and try again.. success! We were in the house for maybe 10 minutes when I see a person walking in the driveway and snow blowing all about! A closer look showed that yes.. someone was snow blowing our driveway! Not a dainty task.. I mean, most of you reading this know our driveway is pretty HUGE! Shaun went out to talk to the person, who turned out to be our neighbor across the street. And he told her, that she didn't need to do that, and tried to talk her out of being so nice - but she continued anyway! I know I keep saying here how I am just in awe at the kindness others have shown us in the past 3 months. I don't even think our neighbor knows about Dresden.. and still did this HUGE nice thing - just because. :) Sure warms the heart, doesn't it? It's great to know that there are so many people with love, kindness and generosity in their hearts!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Thank you!

Beth, Corey, angel Charlie and baby Katie,
Thank you SO much for the ornament for Dresden! Every year when we hang it on our tree, we will think of Dresden, Charlie and all the other babies taken too soon. We are so deeply grateful for the kindness others have shown us. Beth, your strength and beautiful words have helped me deal with losing Dresden so much. I'm so sad to know you (because we wouldn't know each other if we hadn't experienced the loss of our darling boys) and at the same time so very happy to have your friendship and support! Just know that you have helped me, and I will try to be as wonderful and giving as you have been to help other families grieving the loss of their sweet babies too.

Snow Day!

Shaun decided that he would stay home from work today, since looking at the news, showed that the snowy conditions made for a really looooooong commute. Today, was actually going to be a "fun" day at work, they had a lunch at a pool hall, so kind of a sucky day to miss work, eh!? But we're happy to have him home until after the New Year (that's my birthday, as Gwen would say!) now!! After lunch we got all bundled up and braved the snowy roads to go sledding! The sledding hill, is close by.. so we carefully traveled there. We didn't realize how blistery cold the wind was, so we let Gwen sled down the opposite hillside to keep the wind off her face! She was so cute in her snowsuit from Aunt Dawn and her value village lands end boots - only 4 bucks!! (that I found yesterday - Shaun thinks it's gross.. but I think it's gross to spend 20 bucks on boots she'll wear for 3 months - not to mention wasteful!!)! ;) Anyway, we had a lot of fun.. spent about an hour, before we were all nice and chilled. Came back home to some hot cocoa and Rudolph! I love snowy days!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

and some good news!

I got news from my grandpa today that my grandma had a cat scan, and she is completely cancer FREE!! She had lung cancer last year, and had two surgeries to remove parts of her lungs! Amazing news!! Finally something good for the end of the year!! :)

nothing to say

Shaun was giving me crap because I haven't written anything in FIVE days! Well, sorry.. I just haven't had anything to say. I still don't, really. Aren't you sick of reading my thoughts? sheesh! haha
The new year is fast approaching.. a year that I KNOW will be better than this one, cause how can it get worse?? I'd rather not think about how it could get worse, actually, so lets not even go there. It WILL be a better year! It has too, I won't take no for an answer! I think the new year will be an emotional time - I usually feel a little sappy at the big countdown anyway.. esp. since Gwen was born on New Years Day and all.. something about your baby getting older just makes a momma a bit weepy. I almost feel like I want to ring in the new year alone.. in a room, so I can bawl my eyes out with no one looking. I may just do that. Of course, I have to be the first to wish my lovely daughter a Happy Birthday! Sooooooo I guess I gotta suck it up and save my whining for later.
I had to do a fasting blood draw today. I've apparently tested positive for some blood clotting disorder - I think it's the MTHFR (looks like mother fucker to me..) mutation or something. So they wanted to do another blood draw fasting. I've looked up some info on this and it seems that 40% of people have this? Doesn't sound like much of a mutation/disorder if that many people have it, eh? Other things I've read - or seen on loss boards, are people with this have a lot of misscarriages. I'm not sure if stillbirths are increased because of it also? I may be advised to take baby aspirin during pregnancy if it comes back positive... which is funny to me, because I was so concerrned when I took 2 baby asprin while I was pregnant with Dresden cause I got a fever one night! haha I NEVER take pills .... and ESP. not while pregnant! So, we'll see.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A taste of summery times!

Gwen learned this song after riding the carousel at Greenfield Village this past spring.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Gwen performs one of her Christmas favorites! Oh, notice the skeleton shirt! haha

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
I want a hippopotamus for ChristmasOnly a hippopotamus will doDon't want a doll, no dinky Tinker ToyI want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoyI want a hippopotamus for ChristmasI don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?He won't have to use our dirty chimney flueJust bring him through the front door,that's the easy thing to doI can see me now on Christmas morning,creeping down the stairsOh what joy and what surprisewhen I open up my eyesto see a hippo hero standing thereI want a hippopotamus for ChristmasOnly a hippopotamus will doNo crocodiles, no rhinocerosesI only like hippopotamusesAnd hippopotamuses like me too(Short Music Interlude)Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but thenTeacher says a hippo is a vegeterian(Short Music Interlude)There's lots of room for him in our two-car garageI'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massageI can see me now on Christmas morning,creeping down the stairsOh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyesto see a hippo hero standing thereI want a hippopotamus for ChristmasOnly a hippopotamus will doNo crocodiles or rhinocerosesesI only like hippopotamusesesAnd hippopotamuses like me too!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

In honor of Dresden

Thank you SO very much Heather, Josh, Emma, Erin and Eric for donating to Sasha Farm in honor of Dresden. I was so touched when I got the letter with a picture of the animal that was sponsored... a pigeon named Pamela! :) (another reason I was weepy before the christmas party! hehe) We appreciate your kindness more than words can express. Love you guys and can't wait to see you later this month!!
Gwen asked me this morning.. momma, is it Christmas yet? No, sweetie.. 2 more weeks, then 1 week after that is YOUR birthday! Of course, she's excited.. she doesn't even know why! haha For her birthday, she's all about cake.. I'm sure she doesn't realize that presents are part of that equation. As for christmas, how can she even imagine the mudslide of gifts that will be falling her way all .. day... looong! It's hard to not at least try to be in the spirit when you have a 3 year old hopping around. Maybe the problem is that I am in the spirit.. just not the one that wants to send cards or go shopping. I really reeaally am not into that part this year. Usually I am.. to a point, but not right now! I told Shaun that I don't want to do cards. He gives me a line like.. buuut we haave to! Umm why? I wonder if I put him in charge of the cards, if they'll actually be sent? haha Many of the peole we send cards to read this page.. how bout this.. I'll say MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR and there.. it's done! Consider that your holiday greeting! Love the Ryan's! I think I'm having a psychological block against Christmas or something. Part of me is SUPER excited to share this time with Gwen.. she's at a great age for this type of thing. So much magic, the tree, presents, tunes, snow, icicles! She loves it all, and I love it more strongly because she's here. I just don't have the drive to do all the extra crap that we're supposed to be doing, ya know? It's just like we never sent cards out after Dresden's death.. I always think it's funny when you get your card from a death right away.. like I'm sitting at home just wondering where in the hell is that thank you card from the funeral!! Damn, I gave them a freaking crazy beautiful flower display and they never even sent a card! haha Seriously.. does anyone think that? I hope not.. sorry if you do - sending thank you notes after my kid dies isn't on the top of my things to do list. There are many many things that I want to do.. heck, I've been meaning to go grocery shopping for about a week! Somehow we just keep scrounging things to eat. There is this terrible quality I have.. when i don't want to do something.. I just... don't... you can see why that can be a bad thing! AND an almost equally bad quality is that when I DO want something.. I can be pretty obsessed at getting it.. immediately or sooner! Wow, this is a really strange post, isn' t it? I should probably delete it.. I don't even know what the title should be.. Crazy woman types again or something? hmm I'm not drunk, I swear! My thoughts almost sound like I am.. Shaun, if you're reading this.. you're on christmas card duty! ;) (of course I could just TELL him this, since he's sitting right next to me.. but it's funnier if he reads it! haha) Well, if you made it through this mess of a post then you are a great listener.. and definitely DESERVE a card! LOVE YOU ALL!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

gingerbread house

Here we are having fun times decorating our gingerbread house! Gwen really loved the eating candies part.. but also put some of the decorations.. as always, here are some pics!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The henry ford

We went to Macy's Mondays.. here are a couple pictures.. mainly for Mom Ryan, cause I know she wants to download! :)

White Elephant Christmas Party

Over the weekend we had our annual White elephant party! It was a lot of fun as always... opening exciting packages, stealing from friends and of course eating TONS of food! I was pretty weepy before the party.. I think the thought of anything Christmas without my boy, just kind of sucks.. but luckily we have some FABULOUS friends to help us laugh and enjoy the moment! We love you all! Here are a few pictures from the party!
p.s. some people LEFT their white elephant prizes here.. ON PURPOSE! you know who you are.. and so do WE! ;) Do not think this is over!
Love under the mistletoe!
Rob gives Gwen a lesson in table tennis.

Gwen hugging Kieran, one of her boy friends! ;)


Michele was shy about a penis in her box! hehe

It's not a Ryan party without naked men!

If you try to steal our steins (DAVE!) we will CRUSH YOU!! haha

We all waited to find out who would be graced with Orlando Blooms glory! Ang didn't keep him long! A hot commodity indeed.
The birthday girls!! Ah, to be 26 again! ;)

hmmmm looks like someone forgot his candles.. in my bedroom.. strange.....

Tie Dye!!

We went out to Jungle Java last week with Michelle and Gwen (a 'grown up' Gwen) Their kids always have cool tie dye shirts and it's always SO easy to spot them in a crowd! I got inspired! I looked up some videos on youtube and found http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fFUFWwmRRE - a great little tutorial for tie dye! Then I found a dye kit at Joanns on clearance.. came home all excited and told Shaun of my big plans! He was excited too! He's the artistic one in the bunch so, of course he loves art projects! So far we've done 6 shirts! thanks for the inspiration Michelle and Gwen!! :) Here are some pictures! Oh, and we very cheesily wore our matching shirts to the rec center!! hehee

3 months

Wow.. that's almost all I want to say. Wow. Can you believe it's been that long? I certainly can't. 3 months is 1/3 of the time he spent inside my womb! Sometimes my hand still travels to my belly to feel him move.. only he's not there. I don't like to speak for Shaun, but I do feel that I have reached that place in grief where acceptance is granted. I will never stop wondering why this had to happen. I will never stop thinking about my son. I will never stop wishing he was with me, with us. He is my forever baby - he will never grow up, he will never go to school, drive a car, get married or bless us with grand babies.. he is always our baby and he will always hold a special place in our hearts.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

bad word

Gwen thinks that "NO" is a bad word. It's kind of funny, cause I don't think we really even use the term "bad word" so I'm not sure where she got that.. BUT.. if she asks to watch a movie, for example, and Shaun says, "no".. she gets really upset and says, Daddy said a bad word to me! And if he says YES.. she'll say, Daddy didn't say a bad word to me anymore!! :)

Friday, December 5, 2008

a really funny quote.. and so true! ;)

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any Crap, be ready to receive a ton of Shit.'

Oh Gwen..

Gwen goes into the freezer, grabs a Popsicle then I open the fridge, and she goes.. OH CELERY! I want a piece of celery momma! Oooooookay! Not gonna pass that up! SO, she comes back to me a few minutes later with a partially eaten Popsicle and is saying I want more (i'm thinking.. what? the other part of your broken Popsicle??) CELERY! HAHA I LOVE IT!

Anonymous comment

Someone left the following comment at Dresden's name in the sand post.. I'm not sure who it is, but I wanted to say thank you for the beautiful comment that is so soo true! I only wish love could have saved my sweet little son, I wish that every day.

Dresden,I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if love alone could have saved you, you would be in your mama's arms right now. Look after your family, little man.

Brittany Spears.. MY Idol?????????

HAHA Well, not really.. BUT, maybe a little.. because see.. now any woman who has had a cesarean and got pregnant 3 months later, is totally MY IDOL! ;) Funny to think of Brittany and an idol to a 31 year old who really does not have "idols", isn't it?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm alright..

That is how I answer the age old question.. "How are you?" Usually asked by an unsuspecting checkout person who really doesn't want to know how you are! I can't lie and say I'm good.. so I say alright.. which to me says, I've been better without sounding quite so negative. Today I was at Sam's club.. The cashier asked.. I answered. Usually it stops at that.. but THIS cashier.... whoa.. actually cared? "Not feeling well today?" she asked. I said, no I feel fine.. and she kept on.. so I told her why I'm just alright. I don't pass up any good chance to talk to someone about my son. I have limited ways of sharing him, you know. AND.. she said, I had a daughter, she lived for about an hour. Her words stab me in the chest... oh, how I hate hearing of other babies dying too soon.. I asked her when her baby died.. she said, OH! It's been 20 years now.. you don't forget! Her words are familiar.. One day, I will assure some grief stricken mother that her baby will never be forgotten too, and I will hope that my words bring her some solace.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Psychic Gwennie?

The other night I went out shopping with Shaun's mom. Shaun and Gwen hung out at his folks house while we shopped.. Gwen announced that she needed to go open the door for mommy. Shaun decided to 'humor' her and let her out the door to see that we weren't back yet.. what a surprise he got when he saw us at the door, trying to get in! (They locked the screen because when we first left 1.5 hrs before, Gwen went out to look for us! YIKES!!) Anyway, she was right.. we needed the door opened for us! :)
Last night Gwen was talking to Shaun while I was in the kitchen.. I heard parts of the conversation.. mainly that she was talking about Dresden and his stocking. When I returned, Shaun said - did you catch any of what she was saying? Then he told me that she said that "when Dresden gets a new body, he can come home and be with us and see his stocking on the christmas tree!" WHA? This is not something we've talked to her about, and not something we've really talked about at all (though I have thought about it).. I have no idea where she got that idea from!
I guess, I really need to listen with totally open ears when Gwen talks, eh?

Names in the Sand

A family in Austraila who lost their baby boy honors our babies by writing their name in the sand. It's so beautiful! They have done this for 700+ families so far! Here is Dresden's name in the sand.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Oh Christmas Tree..

We always put our tree up the day after thanksgiving. We have a time capsule ornament that we add a new paper to every year. It's always the last ornament we put on the tree, and before hanging it we sit together and read all the memories from years past. Shaun didn't want to read it yesterday.. he wants to wait until after Christmas to read it. I did read one of the pages.. the one where I predicted that we'd have a baby boy in the fall of 08! :( Nothing is easy .. this year on our time capsule paper, we'll have to put in the 'remembering' section - our own son.. the baby boy I predicted we would have with us right now.. It will never stop sucking!
We did have a nice day though, relaxing, and in the evening we went to visit Santa's magic forest! This place is great! It's pretty cheap AND all the proceeds go to a local food bank! Gwen had a wonderful time.. we pretty much had the place to ourselves, which was nice! Gwen looked at every little elf, bear and snoman in the place. She didn't miss a detail! AND she sat on Santa's lap.. she talked to him and told him that she wanted ornaments! haha Now if we could only get her to smile on demand... she always looks so serious for pictures! Here are some photos from our day.

Dresden's ornaments

Gwen and her 2008 ornament! (she picked it!)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What are you thankful for?

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It's the time of year when people start thinking about what they're thankful for. At "Friends Thanksgiving" Ryan asked everyone what they were thankful for.. and my initial response was.. I'm not feeling very thankful these days.. but after some good deep thought, I've decided that there are things to be thankful for, even when it seems your world has fallen apart. So, here is my list.. I'm sure there are many more 'little things' but these are the big ones, closest to my heart right now.
Gwen, my sweet girl who never fails to bring a smile to my face each day.
Shaun for being an amazing husband for all these years, and that our relationship has grown even deeper because of Dresden and not gone any other way.
The kindness and genorosity of our family and friends and even people we barely know - who were there for us, and continue to be there for us when we needed them the most.. I have never felt so much love and caring from people in my whole life than in the last 2.5 months!
I am also very thankful for the time I got to spend with Dresden.. better to have loved and lost.. than never to have loved at all.. right?

Tell me what your thankful for! :)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I don't know.. random ramblings..

When I got pregnant with Dresden 11 months ago (December 23rd 07) I was excited! From the minute that 2nd line appeared on the pregnancy test - 12 DAYS after ovulation (for those folks who know nada about charting.. this is 2 days BEFORE you expect a period) We had a celebration dinner at Jimmy Johns! WOOO! I couldn't believe it.. it seemed too 'easy' first try, after Gwen took 5 months.. but I kept taking more tests for the next few days, seeing the line appear faster and darker! :) There is always that nagging fear during the first weeks that you'll experience a miscarriage- and it was something that kept me crazy at first! I would also get worried.. I wondered how was I going to handle two kids! How was I going to love a 2nd baby as much as Gwen? How was I going to give him the same amount of attention and arm time that Gwen got as a baby? (a good sling was the answer to that!) How would my relationship with Gwen change? I'm sure all worries that any mother has. By the end of my pregnancy though, I felt more confident.. I was excited to 'handle' two kids, and Gwen had grown a lot in the 9 months I was pregnant, and I knew that she'd be a huge helper! She couldn't wait for her baby brother to come out and go trick or treating with her. She still talks about when Dresden comes home he can do this with me.. she misses him too. I keep hoping that somehow Shaun and I going through this will protect our children from the same horrible experience. Something about statistics.. but I know that it doesn't matter.. and our suffering doesn't "save" anyone. I'm sad to think that because of this happening to us that our children will never enjoy the innocence of pregnancy that I got to enjoy twice, just the knowledge that a full term baby can just die kind of steals that away. We're getting ready to start trying again in the next couple months, I'll spend two straight years being pregnant. I want people to realize that this pregnancy (if we're lucky enough to get pregnant again) is not going to be easy and that it does not in any way erase Dresden from our lives, our hearts or memories.. another pregnancy is something to look forward to, but is not a cure for the sadness we feel.

Oh! And on side note, I ordered some silicone bands with Dresdens name, footprint and date. They came out really nice! here's a picture!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Quotes from Gwen

Gwen: I want to have this apple juice
me: no, I want you to wait til daddy gets home and you can have that juice with dinner. Grab some water instead.
Gwen: I don't want to grab some water.
Me: But water makes you grow big and strong!! :)
Gwen: No, actually water makes me really sick.
Me: uhhhh...

Gwen's photo shoot

I keep wanting to take Gwen to get her pictures done, and I just never do! So, I tried to take some myself.. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... Gwen doesn't like to 'smile on command' I am proud of that really... why smile if you don't mean it! hehe

Friends Thanksgiving

We had a thanksgiving dinner with friends over the weekend.. it was AMAZING! EVERYTHING (except for one poor turkey) was vegetarian! Gwen didn't realize what a treat this was.. she was more interested in the m&m's that were sitting by the door! Oh well.. one day she will realize to take advantage of a vegetarian FEAST when she gets the chance! Thanks for the good times everyone! We love you all! :)

A gift for Dresden

Another momma who lost her baby girl last year made this stocking for Dresden. She filled it with a heart to symbolize all the love we have for him. I can't wait to hang it on our christmas tree next week, as I do I will think about Dresden as well as all the other babies that were taken from their families much too soon. This just makes me wish that I had a special talent so I could do something so nice for someone else. (I keep thinking about what I can do.. nothing is coming to mind so far). I have never known such kindness as in the past 2.5 months. I am grateful.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

A new place

SO, I'm trying out blogger.. it seems to have some nicer features than the doteasy blog that I had set up.. and I found out that Shaun can STILL link from our ssryan.com account. Which is the most important thing to me.. I want to just be able to say to people, yea.. go to www.ssryan.com to see our website, ya know!? So, he's going to do that for here and all will be splendid! This is an easier place to add photos, videos, does not have a character limit and it has spell check! ;) I copied all of the entries I posted from August until now on this site. I did not copy the pictures.. but if you click on the title or even the comments section it will take you to the old site and all the pics and whatnot will be there for your enjoyment.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

2 in one night??
November 18, 2008 11:41 PM
Posted By Shannon
I forgot to write about what we did on Sunday! We took Gwen to her first stage show! "If you give a pig a pancake" a musical collection of 8 or 9 stories! It was at the Michigan Theater in ann arbor! We had a ton of fun and Gwen absolutely LOVED it! She sat quietly and mesmorized the entire time! Shaun wants to know when I'm taking her to see cats! haha A little older before we go spending 60 bucks on theatre tix! I have to check out DYPAC now for their upcoming shows. It also seems like they start kids on stage at 3! I think Gwen would love doing that.. Don't worry.. I'll never be one of those 'stage moms' you KNOW I don't have it in me!! HAHA can you imagine Gwen being forced to wear makeup.. when I don't even OWN any myself!! hahhaa I love it!
Good night folks! :)
Permalink Comments (3) Email to Friend

November 18, 2008 11:27 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, today.. I was in the yard work spirit! I swept the leaves off the driveway and lugged em - via the wheelbarrel - to the forest (it will give all the little animals something warm to build homes in!) Then I drove Gwen to my mom's, since she was going to watch her while I got to mowing/mulching the millions of leaves (we have 10 maples in our yard, so it's rather leafy) I get back home - really feeling like just doing this yard work!! (do you ever feel like doing chores is FUN?? this was one of those days!) Go into the garage to retrieve the shed key.. and... umm... WTF?! Where is the shed KEY!?! I call Shaun.. Hello, he says innocently from his desk.. WTF (W this time meaning WHERE!?) is the shed key? I figured he had put it into a 'safe' place for the halloween party (he's funny about stuff sometimes) but nope.. he has no idea where it might be and swears that he did NOT put it anywhere special.. hmmm, so I go on a bit of a hunt through the house - find no keys.. but did find a nice little wallet to exchange my purse for! (YAY!) I was seriously SO annoyed... I thought for a moment how I could break into the shed.. or maybe cut the lock or something! Ah, screw it!! I went to get Gwen.. Shaun came home early (he has an extra shed key on his keychain) took Gwen back to my mom's and got to work.. a couple hours later than I wanted. I was able to do the front, Shaun swept the roof (he assures me that it's SUPER hard work! haha I believe him.. he thinks it'll be my job next year to prove how hard it is- but hopefully I'll b pregnant (or holding a babe in my arms) and therfore 'not allowed' on the roof) We started on the back. It was SO cold! My legs felt like ice and our jaws were numb from the cold!! 28 degrees!! It was bad when the sun went down! We'll finish over the next few days and that will feel nice! :)

Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

10 weeks
November 18, 2008 4:03 AM
Posted By Shannon
How can 10 weeks have already gone by us? Oh, how I wish I was holding a screaming little boy in my lap right now.. sleep deprived (because he was SO not like his big sister, or parents for that matter - and liked staying awake all. the. TIME!) The realization comes and all the things we'll never do together is so painful.. my heart breaks every time I hear of another family missing their loved little baby, but I feel glad that I (and others, mainly in our online world, where there are so many easily accessible) are there to help pick up some of the pieces, to know that we aren't alone in this horrible journey.. that has given me the most peace - to know that we aren't going through this alone. Other people have lost babies and they are still here.. and they smile.. and they are 'normal' they have 'rainbow' babies (a nice term for the subsequent children, don't cha think?) and they always remember the little one who got away - I wish I didn't have to be 'one of them' but don't we all? The next post is a story that I haven't read (I've got it on hold at the library and it's not in yet) It's called Tear Soup.. a fellow grieving momma typed it out in her blog and I'm stealing it so you can read it! It's a very touching story.. I'm not sure if it's the complete story.. but it's supposed to be a childrens book.. and It's just perfect..
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

Tear Soup
November 18, 2008 12:56 AM
Posted By Shannon
"There once was an old and somewhat wise woman whom everyone called Grandy. She just suffered a big loss in her life. Pops, her husband, suffered the same loss, but in his own way. This is the story of how Grandy faced her loss by setting out to make tear soup. . . Because of her great loss Grandy knew this time her recipe for tear soup would call for a big pot. With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, all the misgivings, all the feelings and all of he tears she needed to stew in the pot over time. She put her apron on because she knew it would get messy. It seems that grief is never clean. People feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place. to make matters worse, grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to. And then. . . Grandy started to cry. At first she sobbed. Sometimes she wept quietly. And sometimes when she was in a safe place were no one could hear her. . . she even wailed. Grandy knew she had to make much of this part of the soup alone. She learned from past experiences that most people don't like being around tears. her friends would worry if they knew just how many tears Grandy's recipe called for this time. So, the old and somewhat wise woman reflected on her own special recipe as she looked down into the large overflowing pot of memories. It was a task she would repeat many times during the next few months. . . Grandy's arms ached and she felt stone cold and empty. There were not words that could describe the pain she was feeling. What's more, when she looked out the window it surprised her to see how the rest of the world was going on as usual while her world had stopped. . . people stopped by to see how Grandy was doing. They filled the air with words, but none of their words took the smell of tear soup away. Grandy was gracious because she knew how helpless her friends felt. they wanted to fix her, but they couldn't. All Grandy really needed from them at that moment was knowing look and a warm hug. . . Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup. The giant bowl, where Grandy could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends. "I'm here," Midge cried. "I got here as fast as I could and I'll be here whenever you need me. what a tragedy. I'm so sorry you're having to make such a big pot of soup." Oh what a relief. Grandy knew she didn't have to be careful what she said around Midge. Midge wouldn't try to talk her out of anything she was feeling. And Grandy could even laugh and not worry that Midge would assume Grandy was over her grief. "Sorry I couldn't get here sooner," said Midge. "No problem," replied Grandy. "I've had plenty of help. But most of these friends will be history pretty soon. They'll be over my tragedy long before I am. But I know you'll still be around." . . . On some afternoons people would ask questions like, "Is it soup yet?" Or, "How long is it going to take? You have been at this for over a month now. It's time to get out of the kitchen." Grandy fumed at the caller's advice. Grandy looked forward to getting the mail each day. She dreaded the day when no more sympathy cards would come. When she was alone and needed to think she found it helpful to keep notes on her soup making. Thank goodness Grandy and Pops have been married along time. They already knew each other's tear soup would be different. Secretly Grandy wished Pops would put more flavoring in his soup, but he doesn't want to. And he's perfectly content to dine alone and ship his own soup. Making tear soup is hard work. Sometimes it was all she could think about. even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore. Grandy knew there were times when she needed to take a break from her soup making. Even though it was hard to do, she forced herself to get away. Grandy heard that a neighbor was having to take her turn in the kitchen. Some people thought that the neighbor was eating too much tear soup. So Grandy, being an old and somewhat wise woman, called and invited her to a special soup gathering where it's not bad manners to cry in your soup or have second helpings. Soon the thoughtful cooks sat at Grandy's table and discussed the process of making tear soup. There are some parts that require help from friends and some parts you just have to do alone. They shared stories about soup making they wouldn't dare tell anyone else for fear of being judged a bad cook. . . These people had become Grandy's "new best friends." . . . Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special. Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup, It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time. . . I don't think you actually ever finish. The hard work of making this batch of soup is almost done though. I'll put the rest in the freezer and will pull it out from time to time to have a little taste. I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it. I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you. And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

Cold Days
November 17, 2008 2:21 PM
Posted By Shannon
Well, here we are.. the chilly days are back! We still haven't been able to do our leaves.. whenever we could actually do them, it's raining or the leaves are soaked! Hopefully we get a couple of dry days, so I can get out there and take care of buisness.
This past week has been kind of down for me. It's strange, when you start to feel like the day to day life is getting a little better.. when you can think about your dead child and not sob, but maybe smile a little just at the thought of him.. but then out of nowhere grief knocks on the door again, and it's kind of like a punch in the chest - you think the worst is over.. the other hundreds of people and books you've read have to be all wrong.. things can't get as bad as they were at the beginning again, can they? I do believe it can. Well, honestly, I don't feel as horrible as I did in the beginning - I can't even imagine how much worse that time would have been without your body protecting you by throwing out the shock card for a while.. strange how that goes, huh? I spend most of my quiet moments thinking about Dresden, grasping to whatever memories I have of him, wondering when the short 9 months will become a blur.. I'm glad that I kept a journal of my pregnancy, but I wish I'd written more.. I want every detail to stay fresh, I worry that the only details that will stay with me forever are the very last details, the ones I wish didn't exist in the mind of myself or ANYONE - today it is 10 weeks since I sat here looking for info online to prove to me that it was okay that my baby wasnt moving and then finding out later that no.. in this case.. it wasn't okay. I realize though, after not writing for a week - that it's still important for me to do, it helps me mentally to get everything out, and it heals my heart. Thanks for listening. :)
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

Autumn trip to the cabin!
November 9, 2008 8:11 PM
Posted By Shannon
Shaun took Thursday and Friday off so we could head up to the cabin early before the weather got chilly and rainy! We had a great time! We took our bikes and rode around a bit, relaxed, had a fire, did some reading, puzzles and just hanging out - which is always nice! Gwen loves the cabin, even though she missed TV!! ACK! How did that happen?? with MY kid!? haha Oh well.. tv and internet free for a few days was wonderful! :) On the way home we stopped at Bronners, as we always do, and let Gwen pick an ornament.. any kind she wanted.. guess what she picked?? A freakin' M & M!! HAHA We also found a beautiful ornament for Dresden - a snowbaby sleeping on a cloud holding a blue blanket.. it says 2008. I feel like I want something more to remember him by at Christmas.. any ideas are welcome! :)
So, overall the trip was a great time! It's always nice to get away from the everyday world and escape to someplace different. It was sad going to the cabin without Dresden.. we keep a journal at the cabin and the last line I wrote when we were there in August was that we hope to be back in November with our new addition! It was supposed to be our first trip as a family of 4.. a trip we were all looking forward to taking together - we could have never imagined that we'd be a family of 3 again.. ever!
Gwen with her "gobbles" That's what she thinks they're called! haha
She USED to be shorter than this penguin!!The arteeeeeest!!
Permalink Comments (2) Email to Friend

2 Months
November 9, 2008 3:37 AM
Posted By Shannon
2 months ago almost to the minute, they took my lifeless baby boy from my body. 2 months since my life changed in ways, I could have never imagined and never wanted! 2 months ago, I lost part of who I was, I lost my son's future and the future my family envisioned with him in it. :(

"A Pair of Shoes"
Author unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

November 5, 2008 9:29 PM
Posted By Shannon
I went to kickboxing class today.. if anything can help lift the spirits it's moving the body! The instructor is also the instructor of a playground fitness class that Gwen has been taking most of this year. I'd never really had a conversation with her, but felt that since Gwen and I both see her regularly for classes that I needed to tell her about Dresden.. I mean, 2 months ago I was skippng to my lou with Gwen and a big ole Dresden belly! :) And now all of a sudden, I'm at the rec center every day, taking classes, skipping sadly to my lou with Gwen in her class and NO BABY! I felt like she as probably wondering where the baby was, so I felt like I wanted to talk to her about it. So, I did.. it was a little akward, (Hi, I'm Shannon, we've never been properly introduced, I'm sure you remember that I was pregnant.. my baby died) but it felt really good to get it out there!
My mom told me that my uncle is hosting early christmas this year, since I guess Ma doesn't want to.. she said she told them that I was probably not going to be there.. that I shouldn't be forced to be around those tiny babies. She said that she would hang out with me at Ma's house while the rest of the family was next door (most of my family lives on the same street!) Well.. I really hope that by December I can be graced with the presence of the wee ones. It is incredibly hard to see the babies, as you can imagine.. but the fact is there are babies EVERYWHERE! It's gonna happen! Two of our friends will be bringing newborns to our christmas party - they asked me if it would be okay, and I said that I hope it will.. but I hope to see the babes sooner, just to make sure! I don't know if I'll hold any babies - truthfully, I only want to hold MY baby.. but who knows what another month will do to my emotional state? maybe I'll be better.. maybe I'll be worse. I take one day at a time and can offer no more than that.
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

November 5, 2008 12:32 AM
Posted By Shannon
I actually feel like MY vote counted!! YIPPPEEE!!
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

8 weeks
November 4, 2008 8:40 PM
Posted By Shannon
Here we are again.. another week has come and gone. Another week as a dead baby's momma.. does it get easier? yes, I have to say that it does. It still sucks and will continue to suck until I die. But life goes on, right? It has to, we are not given the choice to stop living, just as we weren't given the choice to lose our baby boy.. I was thinking during my peaceful walk last night that Dresden was like a single drop of rain falling into a puddle - we are the puddle (us, our family and friends) and that single drop meant something to all of us.. but the rest of the world goes on like nothing happened. And to them, nothing did.. our baby was but a tiny blip in the radar of life on earth.. but I know that he touched the people in our lives and I know that we will forever be different people because of his short time with us. I hope that we will be better people too, more loving, honest, caring and compassionate because of him!

Empty by the cranberries:

Something has left my life, And I don't know where it went to, ah, ha, ha. Somebody caused me strife, And it's not what I was seeking. Didn't you see me, didn't you hear me? Didn't you see me standing there, ah, ha, ha? Why did you turn out the lights? Did you know that I was sleeping? Say a prayer for me, Help me to feel the strenght, I did. My identity, has it been taken? Is my heart breakin' on me? All my plans fell through my hands, They fell through my hands on me. All my dreams it suddenly seems, It suddenly seems, Empty
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

November 3, 2008 9:57 PM
Posted By Shannon
Wow! What a day!
First.. I took Gwen to her playground class in the morning.. almost passed out as I opened the door, because there was a new person there today.. with a daughter about Gwen's age and a NEWBORN boy! Talk about knocking the wind out! I tried very hard to avoid looking that way, just playing with Gwen.. luckily the baby didn't do any of that newborn crying - you know, that special 'newborn' cry that is just adroably sweet! The cry that I was sure I was coming home to the other day.. yeah.. but I made it.. with just a bit of misty eyes and no complete sobfest.. I was worried for a moment that I'd have to grab Gwen and run out! How could I just break down in a room full of almost strangers, ya know? I feel like I need to tell the teacher of the class, esp. since I've been taking her kickboxing class.. I feel like she is thinking.. GOD! What kind of mother is this?? I know she was pregnant - and now there's just NO baby!? Anyway.. that was the start of the day. I dropped Gwen off at my mom's, so I could head out to the hospital for the pre conception appt. After leaving there, it started hailing! HUGE ice rocks falling all over my van! YIKES! By the time I got to 94 it was sunny. Perfect crying weather! ;) I do most of my crying while driving.. probably not the safest.. but I like to multi-task, ya know! So, I finally get to U of M.. I start feeling that panic thing.. the last time I parked in structure A, I was pregnant, the last time I waited for the elevator, I was also waiting for my baby to MOVE, I got to the clinic and then waited.. and waited.. and waited... my appt. was at 1pm.. I got there at 115 (it took forever to find a parking spot!) At about 150 I got called back. then I waited.. and waaaaaaaaaited.... and got annoyed.. and waited some more! Around 220the nurse practicioner came in, went over some questions, then went to get the doctor.. and what do you think happened next? I WAITED SOME MORE!! The doctor finally arrived, I think it was 3 by then! She went right into telling me that they weren't able to find any causes, which I've known.. but I guess I was hoping a little that something else popped up.. I've already made peace with the fact that we will never know what happened to Dresden. I asked her opinion on trying again, I told her that I know with the cesarean you have to let things heal and that I would really like to try again in January. she said that she doesn't really worry about the physical healing.. that the emotional side of things is of more concern. I told her that If I waited 5 years, I would still not be completely emotionally ready for another pregnancy - I will always worry that this will happen again, and I think that's normal. I feel as far as my emotional state, I'm as ready as I'll ever be! She suggested to not have a due date close to Dresden's birthday.. well, that might happen anyway. I figure that no matter what, I'll be pregnant ON his birthday (unless some problems arise - gwen took 5 months, dresden took 1 month) so whether I'm 3 months along or 8, it doesn't really matter. I don't feel like September 9 is now a horrible unlucky day and that all babies DIE if they are in my uterus at that time! I'm running out of space, so I'll make another post with some more of the answers she gave me..
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

more stuff
November 3, 2008 9:57 PM
Posted By Shannon
I will be considered high risk, I will see a high risk OB, I will have more ultrasounds and monitoring, there is nothing I can do to prevent this happening to us again, I don't need to take anything extra besides my prenatal vitamins, I can have the baby delivered 37-38 weeks, depending on how things are going.. with a possibility of as early as 36 weeks.. depending on my mental state and the health of the baby. They can do amnio to check lung developemnt. She said that most docs won't do the amnio for a 38 week delivery, but for a 36 week they always do... I'd rather not deliver at 36 weeks, (actually I'd probably WAY rather deliver that early - but I know that normally the best place for a baby is INSIDE momma!), they will give the baby non stress tests weekly after 32 weeks.. I think that's it. Oh, and lastly, they took 8 vials of blood from me and are running a full panel on disorders. The doctor said that she didn't feel like I had any blood clotting disorders, and she wasn't even going to do the blood work, but her coleague suggested that it still be done, since we have no cause of death. Anyway, she said that usually when a baby is born to a mother with the blood clotting disorders, the babes are usually small (Dresden was a big ole 8lb 1oz) and the placentas are small too.. mine was normal size.
SO! that was the day.. I didn't pick Gwen up from my mom's until after 5pm! I really never thought this appt would consume the WHOLE DAY!
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

and one more lighter post..
November 3, 2008 9:57 PM
Posted By Shannon
I have to tell this funny little story..
When I dropped Gwen off at my mom's my nephew was there. He had a half day at school today.. he's 5. He had a sticker that said 'I voted today' They did some mock vote at school! Pretty cool, eh? So I said, yeah, so who did you vote for? .,..... "the white one"!!! OH. MY. GOD!! I about died!! Then I told him that he picked the wrong one!! HAHAHAA
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

why am I awake?
November 2, 2008 6:49 AM
Posted By Shannon
I have no idea.. it's not even 6am! Even with the time change, I'd never be up this early! I'm sure I'll be going back to bed at some point - probably right after I type this! I wonder if Gwen will now wake up at 8am instead of her usual 9!? I sure hope not! haha Although, it could be good for getting stuff done!
We went to Lowes yesterday and got trim for finishing up the kitchen! HOOORAAAY!! It's getting close! I even found some near perfect stain and stained the first batch of trim yesterday (which I guess is my something beautiful for yesterday! haha) Hopefully we can work on this today before game night and have some of the trim put up.. Seriously, you know you're old when moulding gets you excited!
I have that pre-conception appointment tomorrow at U of M.. it's actally IN the hospital.. I wonder if I'll puke on the way in.. or cry.. or both!? I wonder what the midwife was thinking when she suggested I go THERE for this appointment? Aren't there any other doctors that could do it? She mentioned that he does a lot of work with women who have blood disorders that can cause stillbirth (that she assumed he would check my blood for some clotting things that can cause this).. maybe he's the stillbirth expert? I really have no idea! What I want to know from him is when I can try again... I want to hear about the physical aspect.. (emotionally, will I ever be fully ready - for the possibility that this happens again?) I will have another c-section... there will be no VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans) in my future.. I've read that after 3 months the uterus is fully healed.. then of course it takes a few months of being pregnant before the uterus increases a whole lot in size, and because I (sadly) should never have a contraction with the next pregnancy, I won't have much risk of uterine rupture anyway. So here are some questions that are popping into my head... am I missing anything? Please chime in - I'm going to bring a list, since I can never remember what to ask..
When is safe to try again? (I'd like January)
What are the risks of trying earlier (I'm assuming that he'll prefer we wait until at least March or June... but I'm not usually one for listening to 'reason')?
Will I give birth to another dead baby? (I'll ask, even though he obviously won't be able to tell me!)
Will I need to see a high risk OB? Can I anyway?
Are there any offices closer to my house than Ann Arbor? (since I will likely have more appointments than normal)
Will I have more appointments than normal?
Do you have a doppler I can use at home? (if not, I'm buying one!)
When is the earliest we can take the baby out, without risking a stay in NICU?
Will I have more ultrasounds than usual?
Is another pregnancy going to make me crazy? umm YES!
I'm currently taking prenatals, are there other nutrients I should be stocking up on?
Well, that's all I can think of for now! Seriously, if anyone has anything else let me know! I'm normally the most low key patient ever! The new Shannon is going the be the most needy patient ever - esp. when it comes to pregnancy!
Permalink Comments (3) Email to Friend

strange mind
November 1, 2008 10:54 AM
Posted By Shannon
I went out this morning for a bit.. as I walked back into our house, I fully expected to hear our baby crying, actually I think I did hear him.. or thought I did, which is strange because I never got to hear him cry. I guess the mind plays tricks. Shaun said that he feels the same way sometimes, like when he comes home from work, he'll open the door and think he is going to see him laying on my chest.
Not sure if this is cruel or comforting?
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

November 1, 2008 8:38 AM
Posted By Shannon
Something beautiful for Friday is Halloween! Gwen was so excited all week (or since August, really) she was practice trick or treating around the house. I thought she'd be a candy feind when we got home.. but nope! She decided to paint - with both of her hands covered in brown paint! AH! I'll post some pictures later..
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Something Beautiful - Thursday
October 31, 2008 11:50 AM
Posted By Shannon
Going to a Natural Parents halloween party and meeting some new folks (83 of them!)! Watching the kids play together.. esp. Gwen and Kieran playing baseball - it was too sweet!!
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

Something beautiful everyday
October 30, 2008 9:54 AM
Posted By Shannon
A fellow lost baby momma (sounds nicer than dead baby momma, I suppose) added a thead on a message board called - Something beautiful everyday.. she thought it would be nice to find beauty even in the face of tragedy. Sometimes it is hard to find beauty when you're grieving, but it's still there, all around us. So, I'm going to make an attempt to have this category every day on this site.. feel free to join in and put your own 'something beautiful' in the comments section! Now, my things arent' always beauitful (that seems like a word you'd use to describe the autumn leaves crunching under your feet) sometimes they are just fun things that make me smile, or brighten my heart.

Wednesday - going to kickboxing and using a jump rope - I actually did good too! The stretching portion at the end was like yoga.. they even turn the lights off - I love breathing innnnnnn and ouuuuuuut - one of the stretches made my uterus feel funny, so I won't do that one anymore.
ALSO.. we carved pumpkins at the MO house! It was a lot of fun.. well, I didn't really carve a pumpkin, but I did gut one with Gwen.. I let Shaun take care of the carving part - there were SOOOOOOOOO many pumpkins - all really cool! And sooo many yummy treats! MMMM! But most of all the company with that crowd is always beautiful and loving!!
Permalink Comments (3) Email to Friend

It's offical..
October 29, 2008 5:02 PM
Posted By Shannon
Our friend had a baby a couple days ago - the one who didn't know the sex.. well, it's another GIRL!! Out of 10 - 2008 pregnancies (family or close friends) ALL GIRLS.. except our boy.. our missing boy :(
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

7 weeks
October 28, 2008 7:44 PM
Posted By Shannon
Still hard to believe that my baby boy has been out of my body for 7 weeks.. life in general has gotten easier with these weeks. It's still hard to believe that he's gone, it doesn't really get less sucky!
I've been thinking about Dresden's death.. and have had a couple people (including shaun and I at times) who've said, that the fact that he never took a breath is 'better' than if he had been with us for a while.. that it would have made everything all the more difficult if he had been born alive. I feel conflicted about this because on one hand, yes.. it is probably easier that we never brought him home, never heard him cry or laugh... however, it makes it so painful that we never heard his voice, never saw his eyes, it hurts that we don't have more pictures of him and that the only ones we do have are of a dead baby, and one who's skin is not in the best condition, due to his passing inside my warm body.. Some people may think that it would be easier because you aren't attached to the baby yet.. But the thing that you don't know.. unless you are a parent.. is how deep the attachment is.. I felt attached to that sweet baby as soon as the 2nd line appeared on the pregnancy test.. and the attachment grew every day, with every move and every hiccup I felt. I was so afraid that he would leave us in those early weeks.. one day my temperature went down (I continued to chart for a few weeks after getting pregnant for some reason) and I told Shaun that I wold miscarry that day, I just 'knew' it! I felt terrified then.. only days after finding out that I was pregnant. Shaun said, well.. when you don't lose the baby, you need to STOP charting! And so I did, after taking my temp once more the next day! ;) Sometimes I wish that I had lost him then.. before seeing him on ultrasound, before ever feeling his wiggly little body.. oh, I would have been devastated... but I would know a pain less than this... but then I think, if I had lost him then, I'd have no memories of him kicking me, I would have never gotten to see his sweet face, or him dancing around during the first ultrasound, I would have never gotten to hear his heartbeat - so even though my heart is hurting, I am grateful that he was a part of my life.. even if only for a short time.
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

Brandon and Ro!
October 27, 2008 12:59 PM
Posted By Shannon
CONGRATS to the Mitchells!!! Our friends tied the knot over the weekend. What a fun wedding it was!! Poor shaun was sore the next day! That boy is a dancin' fool! Initially I was feeling kind of down.. From the moment I got pregnant, it was known that I'd be bringing a baby to that wedding reception! Like I've said before, leaving a little nursing baby just wasn't gonna happen! :( So sometimes things are just a reminder of what I should have had.. and now don't.. eventually though, I felt better and broke it down on the dance floor a little with Shaun. I had a couple of glasses of Ryan's cream! and made perverted jokes about it! haha
Gwen spent the night at my mom's.. It's funny, she NEVER spent the night anywhere until I was in the hospital having Dresden... now the past 3 Saturdays, she's been sleeping away from us! The best part of it is that whenever we go to pick her up, she isn't ready to leave! I guess that's what happens when a super attached kid starts spending the night places, eh!?
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

October 27, 2008 9:59 AM
Posted By Shannon
Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant again. But it wasn't an ordinary pregnancy.. it was going to last only 5 days! AND end with the birth of a full term baby! How amazing if that could really happen next time! I was setting up my c-section for a Thursday - it was only Monday in the dream! The only strange thing (besides the whole 5 day pregnancy) was that because it was so fast, I wasn't showing yet.. and I couldn't feel the baby move. I felt kind of cheated, since I absolutely LOVE being pregnant, but just really wanted a living baby in my arms, so I didn't care about missing out on the joys of pregnancy.
Cinderella was right.. "A dream is a wish your heart makes"
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

October 22, 2008 10:35 PM
Posted By Shannon
What an emotionally draining day! First the midwife appointment.. and then this evening I went to my mom's for my sister's birthday. My cousin and his wife come over with their brand new baby girl.. a week or two old and darling, I'm sure.. As soon as I saw the baby carrier, I just had to run to the bathroom and cry.. I thought I could handle it(i've seen babies at target and stuff), I got my composure back in the bathroom and went out to sing happy birthday. My cousin was holding the baby by then, and I couldn't even look at them fully.. back to the bathroom for me - this time my mom followed and I sobbed while she hugged me and cried too. I figured that seeing baby girls would be easier than boys.. wrong! I don't want people with babies to feel bad for having a LIVING baby or for bringing her around me.. it's not that, it's just I feel so fucking sad and angry that I don't have my son and there are reminders everywhere of what I've lost. I look forward, one day, that these 2008 babies will not hurt my heart to look at..but give me a glimpse of what Dresden would have been doing - walking, talking, school, college, marriage, kids of his own.. hopefully keeping his memory alive in me forever.. I just hope that these friends and relatives understand that I have no ill feelings toward them or their babies, I'm extremely happy for them all.. but at the same time I've extremely sad for myself.
I've also read and gotten advice from other mom's with lost babies.. and a lot of them say that at this point you can still be in shock and everything hits all over again 2-4 months in! Oh Great! Just when I thought things were looking up.. then I have a day like today to smack me right back into reality.. and with a possibility of MORE days like this? A LOT MORE?!!

Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

October 22, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I went to the midwife today..6 week check up..cried the whole way there (thank you for helping with that Josh Grobin!)! ummm so nothing exciting.. it appears that my cervix and uterus are back in their 'normal' state... no, that does not mean I should try conceiving again.. in fact she reminded me that it would NOT be a good idea to go getting pregnant this soon.. I told her that I only get pregnant when I want to - Shaun and I have many years of practice in that department.. and have only conceived TWO babies.. both intended pregnancies. I will be seeing the preconception guy in a couple of weeks.. I hope he can give me some good insight on when we can try to make another baby.. it's strange but i'm kind of feeling desperate about it.. my arms are so empty and I NEED a baby in them.. my baby though.. I can't even think about holding other peoples babies.. so don't worry.. I'm no going to turn into a babynapper! Anyway, from what I've read a cesarean takes 3 months to heal completely.. I figure, if I take my vitamins, drink some raspberry leaf tea (stregthens the uterus.. I was taking this in the last few months of pregnancy preparing for my super easy VBAC delivery!) and exercise I can get my body ready for another pregnancy sooner than later. Pregnancy is hard on a woman's body.. and two in a row could cause some serious depletions in your mineral/vitmamin stores..
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

6 weeks
October 21, 2008 8:29 AM
Posted By Shannon
Each week passes.. they are speeding up again. For a while time felt like it was on stand by.. just for us. Now, it seems the world has started to move again. I'm conflicted about this... I'm not sure I want the world to move on.. but I do think time is the best healer in most cases, so only time will help.. but there is always that nagging voice in the back of my head (or actually usually it's hanging out in front!) - "YOUR BABY IS DEAD! Don't smile! Don't laugh! What is wrong with you!?" But I do realize that no child of mine would want a sad momma all the time.. so for Gwen and for Dresden I refuse to be that person... for my children I will rise above the pain.. and eventually Dresden's life, the time he spent inside my womb will be a positive memory - it has to be.. cause that's all I've got.
I miss you baby boy, I miss you sooooo very much!
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

Halloween Party 2008
October 20, 2008 1:05 PM
Posted By Shannon
What can I say! The halloween party as always was a fun night! Thanks to Brandon's yummy punch I was highly buzzed by 8pm! (after 1 drink! haha) But of course I didn't stop there! We had some good laughs which were VERY needed after the past 6 weeks and made some fun memories! We seriously couldn't ask for better friends and family to party down with!
Some of the costumes were REALLY amazing! (not mine, I wasn't dressed up) Borat and his blemish free ass.. won best male (a couple of my other faves were my nephew Michael - who actually CREATED his 2 face mask from scratch! I didn't even recongnize him when he first came into my house! and then Will as the Joker was a fave too.. I just love the joker right now - esp cause Gwen says "Whyyy sooo serious" in the joker voice!!) Sarah Palin won best female, then Popeye and Olive Oil for best couple! If there was a best group category it would have TOTALLY been the muppets!!
Here are a few pictures.. I'm adding lots more to MYSPACE if you care to look - there might be some NAKED shots!! WOOOWOOOO!! Just kiddin' your naked pictures are safe with me! ;)

Permalink Comments (3) Email to Friend

October 20
October 20, 2008 9:30 AM
Posted By Shannon
I posted a really long story about the beginning of our relationship that I wrote a long time ago for my scrapbook.. I figured our wedding anniversary would be a good day to post something like that! hehe :)
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

Happy Anniversary to us!! 7 years of marriage!
October 20, 2008 9:22 AM
Posted By Shannon
The Story of our beginning

Like the beginning of any perfect romance, we met on the school bus. The year was 1992, I was in 10th grade, he was in 9th (so I like younger men.. big deal!) and it was to be the beginning of a magical journey together. Of course me being 15 and him 14, we would have NEVER thought of forever – well, maybe I did.. but that’s what
15 year old girls do!
Anyhow, back to the first meeting. We were on the bus ride home from good old John F. Kennedy high school, when Joel (my 3rd cousin and Shaun’s Tae Kwon Do buddy) started to harass Leona, Dina and I. Or more likely we started to harass him. Shaun being the macho and flirty guy that he his, stepped in to assist his superior in Tae Kwon Do. Probably to catch some female attention, knowing Shaun.
It took me a few days to figure out that I was gonna have to like this guy. We actually talked, which was weird for me. Normally when I liked boys, I was super shy and the biggest conversation would have been “hi” followed by lots of giggles and excitement. But Shaun was different; I could actually talk to him, and considered him a friend.
The day I finally decided for sure that he was my next target for love (I’d only targeted like 2 guys in my whole life!) was the day that Joel fractured his jaw in tae kwon do class! Lucky for me it wasn’t serious enough for him to be out of school for long, and only two days later he was back on the bus.
One of these early days on the bus ride home, he sang a song to me. Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I thought it was just the most romantic thing ever. So, I did what any girl in my situation would do. I bought the tape!! (yes, we used cassette tapes back then!) I loved that song so much, and Anthony Kiedis was HOT! I kept asking Leona; don’t you think Shaun kind of looks like him?? She always said nope. One thing we did agree on about Shaun though, was that he had an arrogant appeal to him. While watching Beauty and the Beast one day, we decided that he was definitely Gaston like. “She’s the best girl in town and don’t I deserve the best???” Ha!
I can’t remember when the first candy gram was sent to my sssecretly-admired love, possibly December 1992. This started a two-month period of ssecret love letters. Leona and I would make up poems, very clever poems like.. ‘I see you walking down the hall, I wish you were my butterball” and ‘Every time I see you my heart goes bump bump’ We were full of fabulous ideas. Every letter was signed “Love, your sssssecret admirer” and sealed with a kiss – from Leona normally, because I would just start to laugh and lipstick would be everywhere! Mary supplied us with the cards since she worked for Hallmark at the time and had a nice stock of every kind of card imaginable. The reason for the many ssss, besides my name starting with an S?? My Chinese animal sign is the snake. Shaun knew this, so I offered it as a little hint. Unfortunately he didn’t get it.
He always figured that the most likely culprit was Dina, since she was the only one who didn’t talk to him. I had planned on putting a valentine puzzle in his locker with a teddy bear to expose the secret. However, Shaun called my house one day while I was babysitting and talked to Jennifer for a bit.. who very willingly ratted me out! What kind of sister does that? So Shaun knew the big secret, was he thrilled? I don’t know.. he really liked many girls at the time, his flirtatious ways
made sure that a few girls liked him too!
When the next semester started, I had switched out of a class (can’t remember which one or why, but there was a good reason??) and got into Ms. Eskins art class instead. (gotta love Fate!) I was walking to class with Dina and when we walked by Ms. Eskins room, guess who I saw?? SHAUN RYAN!! Oh the delight, I actually probably squealed in the hallway! 2nd hour was going to be the BEST! So, I came in, and sat at a table with Shaun, Jason Ward and Beth Gorke. We all had a lot of fun in that class.
Around March of 1993, I joined tae kwon do after watching a Jean Claude Van Dam movie with Leona. She was already in karate, and of course the fact that Shaun was in it too, had nothing to do with me wanting to join! So, I went to class all the time, and got all giddy and excited when I saw Shaun walking toward the building with his workout bag in tow. His giups were always so much fun to laugh at. HI, MY, DIE, PIE… etc. and it gave me more of a chance to flirt with him and watch him get all sweaty!
On June 6, 1993 I got my drivers license. A couple days later, my mom let me drive her car to karate. How cool was I?? Jennifer walked up there later so she could ride home with me. I left class feeling highly important and mature; after all, I did have a car to drive! (even if it was just for less than a mile trip and my mom’s!) I had the brilliant plan that I would pull up next to Shaun and offer him a lift, you know, to look suave. So, backing out I hear BOOM! And then an alarm going off. I just froze, and then asked Jennifer, did I hit it? Did I hit it? She said, NO! go go go!! There goes my suave idea. There was no way that I could offer him a ride now, I felt like a total idiot and I was super freaked out. I took the car home and decided to go for a walk with Jennifer. We walked to the Little Rose Chapel, for a quick prayer. Then I was ready to go to Shaun’s house. I was embarrassed and wanted to see how much of that he saw? Of course he saw everything.. we laughed and chatted. I tried to kiss Bear and it looked like he might bite my face off - it seems that no one had taught that dog how to kiss!
Back at school, there was talk about Shaun and not one but two girls that he liked. Beth Gorke labeled them party number one and party number two. I wasn’t allowed to know who they were, which led me to believe that I was one of them. Though I can’t remember which one? And honestly I didn’t care, as long as I was the one picked! Well, that dream came true on Friday, June 11, 1993! What a wonderful day that was! We sat next to each other on the bus that afternoon and I found out that my new FIRST awesome boyfriend was not going to be able to see me all weekend! He had boy scout camp to attend – WHAT? I’m going out with a boy scout?? Wow.. I didn’t even think those existed in high school. Oh well, there would be plenty of other weekends to hang with my new man.
Our first horrible kiss was in the back of the karate school, probably 5 days after our relationship began. Joel was there, he asked us if we’d kissed yet. We shyly said no… and he said, you guys need to kiss right now! I’m not letting you leave until you kiss!! So, we went for it… and it was kind of a rushed painful kiss.. highly embarrassing! On the walk to my house after, I had some gum in my mouth and I said, to Shaun, want some? He said yes… and that’s how we had our first real kiss. How incredibly cheesy! But we are a cheesy couple, so it fits.
Our first movie date was with Leona, Dina and BrandonWilley. We went to southland mall’s movie theatre to see Jurassic Park. Afterward, we took photo’s in the booth. You can tell that I am not at my most comfortable in those photo’s.. as the years go by, those photo booth pictures get more and more loosey goosey! I never considered the movie to be our real first date. Since we went with friends, it wasn’t the same. What I consider our first date is midway golf. Shaun’s mom picked me up. I was wearing shorts with a black pleather front and some kind of flannel shirt with cut off sleeves (Hey, it was the grunge era!) Shaun sat in the back with me, like his mom was a chauffeur or something, which was a little strange to me, but nice to have him sitting next to me in the back of the mini van. We arrived at midway to play putt putt golf, and after walked across the street to get ice cream. It was raining a bit, we were sitting outside and kissing a lot! (we were old pro’s by then!) Shaun was trying to remove strawberry seeds from my retainer! The owners of the ice cream place came out and said we had to leave because they were closing down for the day. (or they didn’t want teenagers making out at their business!?) So, we walked to the pay phone and called for our pick up ride. What a fun and memorable day. We still celebrate our dating anniversary each year by going to play putt putt at midway.

The End. Of the beginning.

Permalink Comments (3) Email to Friend

A Walk to Remember
October 19, 2008 5:10 PM
Posted By Shannon
The walk to remember was nice. It was a pretty short walk - I kind of wish it was longer (even though Gwen walks Reeeeeeeaaaly slow) but the event on a whole was nicely done. Strange to be surrounded by so many people who have lost babies, sad to be part of that group but glad that we are not alone in this journey. I wasn't sure how emotional it would be, and it wasn't as bad as I thought.. but I felt like if I talked to anyone I would lose it.. so I didn't really attempt to 'make friends' Heck, just signing in I started to tear up a little.. and all the lady said was, here write a message on this paper leaf and we put them in a book every year with pictures of the walk and the new tree! I hate crying in front of people by the way.. so I usually try hard to avoid that. Sometimes.. it can't be avoided though, so we just go with the flow! Someone donated books for the people at the walk, it's called The angel with the golden glow. It's a nice book.. heavy on the religious stuff.. god sending angels to earth just to leave poor people all sad and alone... beautiful illistrations though and a heartfelt story too. Some people released balloons for their baby girl at the tree planting site. A lot of people had shirts or buttons with their little lost ones. They had little tree slices that the siblings could color on and then wear a necklace in memory of the sibling they are missing.. Shaun helped Gwen make one and she wore it (most of the time) all the way to the tree planting site. I recommend visiting the Nichols Arbetoreum though, it's a goregeous place along the huron river.. very peaceful. I had no idea it existed that close to the hospital!
Oh, and the hospital.. I'm glad we drove there together yesterday, it was a tough drive.. the last time we drove there ended up being the worst day of our lives! I felt sick while driving by there again and nervous- like just being there was going to cause it to happen again! My appointment with the preconception specialist is at the hospital next month.. so hopefully going there will make me a little stronger each time. I told Shaun that the hospital now holds more bad memories than good.. Gwen was born there and gave us the BEST day of our lives. Dresden was born there and gave us the worst day.. and papa died there 2 years ago in March. I said, so we have to even things out.. if we have our next babies there it will make more positive memories for us - and one thing is for sure.. they know how to do a cesarean!!
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

A Walk to Remember
October 17, 2008 11:02 PM
Posted By Shannon

We're doing this walk tomorrow.. (before the halloween party)http://www.med.umich.edu/nursing/holden/walktoremember.html
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

The show must go on..
October 17, 2008 10:56 PM
Posted By Shannon
And that show would be the halloween party. Tomorrow nigt - everyone's invited! I'm hoping to drink a lot of booze! Join the festivities if you like!!
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

We Remember
October 16, 2008 1:26 AM
Posted By Shannon
October 15th is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. We lit a candle at 7pm in remembrance of not only Dresden, but all the other babies who left our world much too soon.
With every breath from now until the last, I will remember my darling son.
Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

nature walk at the park
October 15, 2008 10:04 PM
Posted By Shannon
We went to Lower Huron over the weekend and had a really nice time. Who doesn't love autumn? Here are some pictures from our day there.
Wingardium Leviosa - a magic spell from Harry Potter!

Permalink Comments (2) Email to Friend

Things I shouldn't be able to do
October 15, 2008 12:05 AM
Posted By Shannon
I can't help but think of all the things that I shouldn't be able to do.. I should have a 5 week old baby with me constantly - there would be no..
going to the movies with Shaun to (finally) see the dark night
getting drunk at parties
going to kickboxing (as I did today)
taking a bike ride with Gwen while Shaun is working (another thing we did today)
seeing wicked this winter
sleeping all night long
taking long walks alone
consider going to cedar point
Don't get me wrong, these are all things that I enjoy, but oh, how I would have enjoyed having a lifetime with my baby boy SO much more!
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

5 weeks
October 14, 2008 12:09 AM
Posted By Shannon
Wow, 5 weeks.. I almost typed 5 months.. sometimes it feels that long. 5 weeks since I kissed my sweet boys head and held him close, 5 weeks since I lost my dreams.. I took a walk today, while I walked alone, I let my thoughts take me over.. it dawned on me that Dresden will never have any 'firsts'
no first christmas, birthday, smile, steps, tooth, no first cry, no first breath! There are still really times that I go about my day and I honestly don't believe that this happened! I wonder when it will settle into me completely? How long does it take to realize 100% that your baby is DEAD.. never coming back, never being born ALIVE! I mean, sure.. I realize this.. I'm not crazy or anything (at least I hope not) but still.. I can't explain it fully.. I guess with all of my being, I just want it to not be true... but I know that as much as I wish I could will him to be alive, it just ain't happenin'!
Sunday we had a really great day! We went to Lower Huron metropark, took a great nature walk along the river over some very hilly and rooty terrain! Then in the evening went to Hallween in the village! A seriously fun beautiful day of fresh air and laughter! When we got home and it was time for bed, I just lost it! All I could think is that we had this great day and HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! and I guess he was.. I wear his ashes around my neck all the time - but it's not quite the same, is it?
we went to the village for 2nd Mondays.. and would you believe that EVERY FREAKIN 'hippy' (yes I refer to moms who wear their babes and nurse in front of everyone as hippies and I LOVE them all!) momma was there today!?!? SERIOUSLY! I saw TWO women nursing their babies (in all the time that i've been a nursing mother.. I think I've seen 1 or 2 women nurse in public - not including La Leche League meetings, of course! hehee and today I see TWO, right in a row!?)! Tons of slings, wraps and various other carriers, I even saw a mom on the carousel standing next to her toddler with a newborn in a sling... that should have been ME!! I will forever be missing part of my heart! :(
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

test drunk, other shenanigans and putting baby things away
October 11, 2008 9:05 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I thought it would be a good idea to have a 'test drunk' before the halloween party, since I intend to drink myself silly.. so at Brandon's bday party last night, I had some beverages of the alcoholic sort.. Did I turn into 'there's a tear in my beer' sorta drunk? umm not quite.. but I also didn't feel super chipper like I normally do when the booze is a flowin' So, I guess it's safe to drink next week if the mood strikes! For this outing, Gwen actually spent the night with Shaun's parents.. it was like the first time (for us at least) because the first time Gwen spent the night anywhere was a month ago when I was giving birth to Dresden and spending the night in the hospital. It was strange to sleep in our bed with no Gwennie! Of course, we didn't get home til 4am (thanks to uncle rico!).. soooo I guess we weren't without her for all that long! ;) She didn't even miss us either! We went to pick her up, and she wanted to STAAAAY! hahaa Now, you might think that would make me sad.. but it doesn't.. I'm grateful that she wants to stay there longer.. then we don't ever have to feel guilty or bad for leaving her!
Our neighbor came over today with a basket of fruit and veggies for us! I continue to be just amazed at the thoughtfulness and generosity of others. She told us that she experienced a full term loss 44 years ago (a baby boy as well), and you never forget your baby. I didn't think you could ever forget, but I can't tell you how nice it is to hear that from people who went through it.. I never want to forget my sweet son, and I'll make sure that all of our children hear about the brother that is missing from our family.
We played tennis today! It felt really great to play again.. I only played a couple times this year.. the last time was July, .. I was pretty huge.. it was tricky to bend over to get the balls! haha
We put all the baby stuff in the attic today (the clothes are staying in the dresser armoire down here though) I came in as Shaun was putting a plastic bag over the bassinet top.. and I could see he was getting emotional. So, I jokingly said, why in the heck are you crying about THAT?! You know he would have NEVER slept in there! hehee (Hey, we're a family bed kind of family, what can I say?) Then he left the room to get duct tape or something and came back to me crying.. he said, HEY! Didn't you just say how he wasn't gonna use any of this stuff anyway, so why ya crying? I said, but HE WAS GOING TO USE THIS... the car seat! :( We actually already had it installed in the van.. my sister removed it for us, so we wouldn't have to ride home with the empty baby carrier on the way back from U of M... I know one thing.. next time we have a baby, NONE of that stuff is coming down! I'm not washing any clothes, we've got a box of diapers in the closet - there will be nothing that we need to buy (all a newborn needs is momma milk anyway!!)- once we walk in the house with a breathing living baby, then we can get stuff out! You know the old saying.. don't count your chickens before they hatch!

Permalink Comments (1) Email to Friend

One Month
October 9, 2008 10:07 AM
Posted By Shannon
1 month ago I became a mother of a dead baby, I joined a club that NO ONE wants to join, I had part of my heart ripped from my chest.. and grief is such a strange emotion.. last night after adding the picture of the Stone - I was looking at pictures of Dresden (I was thinking about sharing some, but I'm just not ready yet). I completely lost it, Shaun did too.. I haven't sobbed like that in probably two weeks - my tears now are quieter, not as dramatic.. I thought I was over the worst of the uncontrollable sobbing, guess I was wrong.
Permalink Comments (2) Email to Friend

The stone
October 9, 2008 3:24 AM
Posted By Shannon
As you know from my last entry, we were working on a stone for Dresden to have at the cemetary with papa! Shaun did a freakin' great job! He's so talented.. all free hand with a dremel and crap!
I was intending to use a little big bigger stone, but this is all I could find (in a bag of stones at Michaels) so we'll be on the lookout for a river type stone.. something nice and smooth.. maybe the size of a fist.. then I'll put Shaun to work again on the bigger one and we'll do a trade.. but for now, this is perfect!
Permalink Comments (4) Email to Friend

October 8, 2008 11:37 PM
Posted By Shannon
It's creeping up on us... tomorrow is the 9th.. 1 month since Dresden's birth.. we've been preparing. I figured the 1 month mark would be a good day to go to the cemetary and leave some of Dresden's ashes at papa's grave. I know papa would be heartbroken for our baby boy if he was here, and who knows maybe their souls are hanging out together waiting to be born again (empty womb here.. unless you're gonna just die again!)? I always kind of thought that Dresden could have even been papa reincarnated - but I was going to wait to see how Dresden reacted when we did the MOO cow that papa always did to all the kids to see if there was a glimmer in his eye to decide for sure!! :) Anyway, we want to put some ashes there, so we're working on making a little stone to go above where we put the ashes, that way there is a little memorial there and folks visiting papa can say howdy to Dresden too!. We're trying to engrave his name on something so we'll just have to see how it turns out - so far it's not going well. The engraver I bought sucks! Shaun went out with Gwen to get a different one and I went looking for a different stone. i like to drive by myself at night.. I can turn up my sappy music and cry all alone... hey, I've got a box of tissue in my car now.. how crazy is that!?
meh, anyway.. I'm off to the garage to assist Shaun with the engraving project.. if it turns out professional looking.. maybe we'll start a new buisness!! GRAVE MARKERS!
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

4 weeks
October 7, 2008 7:14 PM
Posted By Shannon
Dear Dresden,
You would be 4 weeks old today. It hurts me to sit here without you, to not hear your cry., to not hold you close, nurse you, smell you. I'll never know what color eyes you have, what your voice sounds like, what kind of personality would you have? Would daddy say, that your scowl looks like mine? Would I say your focused look was all him? We will never know. The pain we feel in your absence is great. I will always wonder why you left us. I was so sure you did a good job picking us as your parents when I got pregnant so quickly (first try!)- (who wouldn't want two of the awesomest parents around, eh?!! hehe) you knew we would never hurt you, from conception until WE died we would have taken the very best care of you as humanly possible (your wife would have hated us!)! Yesterday we went to have ice cream, your big sister is still waiting for you to come home (or out).. she said, when our baby comes out, he can have rainbow ice cream too and he can sit right here next to me! I can't tell you how much it devastates me that you aren't here to be the little brother that she's been waiting for. Your family misses you so much baby boy and we will love you forever!
Love, momma

another lovely poem..
"Before you were conceivedI wanted youBefore you were bornI loved youBefore you were here an hourI would give my life for youThis is the miracle of life.~ Maureen Hawkins"
Permalink Comments (2) Email to Friend

Another great poem
October 6, 2008 1:15 PM
Posted By Shannon
REMEMBERINGby Elizabeth DentGo ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Permalink Comments (2) Email to Friend

sweet dreams
October 6, 2008 10:19 AM
Posted By Shannon
I ask Dresden every night to visit my dreams.. last night I was pregnant with him again.. I knew he had already died, but in the dream I went to the midwife, and she found his heartbeat and said, there's your baby! I couldn't hear the heartbeat, but I believed her, then I felt two little kicks... I said, I need to see him, is there anyway!? She handed me these funky futuristic goggles, I put them on and peered into my belly.. there he was, moving around, bringing his arms up to his face, I asked how is this possible? He was dead?! Is this real? She said, sometimes things happen.. i asked would he be brain damaged because of dying before? No, he shouldn't be, she said.. so i left and called everyone up to tell them the news!
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

babies babies EVERYWHERE!
October 5, 2008 2:10 PM
Posted By Shannon
I can't help but observe the world - my world- being surrounded by babies! I know 9 people, not including myself who are either due this year or have already given birth! Wanna know the crazy thing???
ALL GIRLS! Except for one who is keeping it for a surprise - we'll know in a few weeks!
and me.. I had a boy - a sweet little boy! Isn't that strange? I kind of feel like what the heck!? DIDN'T WE NEED him in the world to balance out all these girls?? seriously! I'm kind of glad most or maybe?? all of these babes in my family and friends circles are girls.. it's still hard to look at a newborn but a newborn boy makes me want to run and hide! :( I wonder how long it will be before I can hold a baby without feeling like my heart will leap out of my chest and run for cover! I miss my baby.
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

Random thoughts..
October 4, 2008 1:19 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I'm really pissed.. I just wrote like a half a page here and mentioned to Shaun how my computer is running slow.. soooo he starts fiddling with it (even though I say, let me finish FIRST) aaaaaaannnnd.. then my page RESETS! grrrrrrrrrrr! So, now i have to try remembering what I'd already written.. if you know me, then you may know how much I absolutely HATE re-doing stuff.. so here I go..
Cool birthdays - we all have them.. except poor Shaun, his is 9/27
gwen - 1/1
Dresden - 9/9
Now that I will have planned cesareans with my subsequent pregnancies (when we're brave enough to do this again) I can perhaps pick cool bdays on purpose!? Maybe 10/10? or 11/11? Sounds good!
I was thinking yesterday that someday Dresden will be a big brother! I've only ever thought of him as little brother until then.. and then I thought, how strange it will be because obviously we'll love and adore the next child and at the same time the fact will be that if Dresden hadn't died that child would not be here! We would have never gotten pregnant before he was 18 months old (but more likely 2yrs) because I didn't want pregnancy to cause early weaning - not to mention that I didn't even ovulate after Gwen until she was 10 months old(another great breastfeeding benefit!)! - so getting pregnant 5-6 months after a birth would be pretty much impossible! I read this poem yesterday in the back of a book on trying again after loss.. it's really beautiful.
A Different Child poem by Pandora MacMillian
People noticeThere's a special glow around you.
You growSurrounded by love,Never doubting you are wanted;Only look at the pride and joyIn your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimesBetween the smilesThere's a trace of tears,One dayYou'll understand.
You'll understandThere was once another childA different childWho was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothesThat child will never keep them up at nightIn fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,When mother and father miss so muchThat different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmlyAnd may you learn the lesson foreverHow infinitely preciousHow infinitely fragileIs this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or womanYou may see another mother's tearsAnother father's silent griefThen you, and you aloneWill understandAnd offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,You will tell themWith great compassion,"I know how you feel.I'm only hereBecause my mother tried again."
Yesterday, I drank wine.. Brent asked if I wanted some, and I almost said, no.. but then something clicked in my head and I thought, what the hell.. Im not pregnant, I'm not nursing - WHY WOULDN'T I???
What else?? I dunno.. I have good days and bad.. mostly moments of bad, not usually whole days. He's always in my thoughts, even when I'm lauging and chasing gwen at the park. That makes me happy... I don't want him going anywhere.
Permalink Comments (2) Email to Friend

A Walk to Remember
October 2, 2008 4:34 PM
Posted By Shannon

A Walk to Rememberand Tree-Planting Ceremony
October 18, 2008 @ 1:00 p.m.(Gathering begins at 12:30)Nichols Arboretum, Ann Arbor, MI

A Walk To Remember is a time for families, friends and staff to join with others who share a similar journey: A time to come together to honor hopes, dreams and memories. All are welcome to visit the Walk to Remember trees in this beautiful and peaceful preserve. It is open to the public from sunrise to sunset.

Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

October is..
October 1, 2008 9:43 PM
Posted By Shannon
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend

October 1, 2008 12:00 AM
Posted By Shannon
Feeling sad, yet again.. I was never pregnant with Dresden in October.. I was never supposed to be, but still it feels like we've skipped into a new month and farther away from when my baby was inside me and full of life. :(
Permalink Comments (0) Email to Friend