Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I don't know.. random ramblings..

When I got pregnant with Dresden 11 months ago (December 23rd 07) I was excited! From the minute that 2nd line appeared on the pregnancy test - 12 DAYS after ovulation (for those folks who know nada about charting.. this is 2 days BEFORE you expect a period) We had a celebration dinner at Jimmy Johns! WOOO! I couldn't believe it.. it seemed too 'easy' first try, after Gwen took 5 months.. but I kept taking more tests for the next few days, seeing the line appear faster and darker! :) There is always that nagging fear during the first weeks that you'll experience a miscarriage- and it was something that kept me crazy at first! I would also get worried.. I wondered how was I going to handle two kids! How was I going to love a 2nd baby as much as Gwen? How was I going to give him the same amount of attention and arm time that Gwen got as a baby? (a good sling was the answer to that!) How would my relationship with Gwen change? I'm sure all worries that any mother has. By the end of my pregnancy though, I felt more confident.. I was excited to 'handle' two kids, and Gwen had grown a lot in the 9 months I was pregnant, and I knew that she'd be a huge helper! She couldn't wait for her baby brother to come out and go trick or treating with her. She still talks about when Dresden comes home he can do this with me.. she misses him too. I keep hoping that somehow Shaun and I going through this will protect our children from the same horrible experience. Something about statistics.. but I know that it doesn't matter.. and our suffering doesn't "save" anyone. I'm sad to think that because of this happening to us that our children will never enjoy the innocence of pregnancy that I got to enjoy twice, just the knowledge that a full term baby can just die kind of steals that away. We're getting ready to start trying again in the next couple months, I'll spend two straight years being pregnant. I want people to realize that this pregnancy (if we're lucky enough to get pregnant again) is not going to be easy and that it does not in any way erase Dresden from our lives, our hearts or memories.. another pregnancy is something to look forward to, but is not a cure for the sadness we feel.

Oh! And on side note, I ordered some silicone bands with Dresdens name, footprint and date. They came out really nice! here's a picture!


Heather E said...

We will be overjoyed to welcome the next Ryan baby into the family but that child will never replace Dresden..that's just not possible. We will be praying during that eventual pregnancy and rejoice when we hear that sweet newborn cry. By the way, I have found that the more children you have the bigger your heart becomes to give them all your love. And sister, you have a big heart and lots of love..so does that wonderful husband of yours!

Melissa said...