Ryan Family

2 in one night??
November 18, 2008 11:41 PM
Posted By Shannon
I forgot to write about what we did on Sunday! We took Gwen to her first stage show! "If you give a pig a pancake" a musical collection of 8 or 9 stories! It was at the Michigan Theater in ann arbor! We had a ton of fun and Gwen absolutely LOVED it! She sat quietly and mesmorized the entire time! Shaun wants to know when I'm taking her to see cats! haha A little older before we go spending 60 bucks on theatre tix! I have to check out DYPAC now for their upcoming shows. It also seems like they start kids on stage at 3! I think Gwen would love doing that.. Don't worry.. I'll never be one of those 'stage moms' you KNOW I don't have it in me!! HAHA can you imagine Gwen being forced to wear makeup.. when I don't even OWN any myself!! hahhaa I love it!
Good night folks! :)
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ARGH!!
November 18, 2008 11:27 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, today.. I was in the yard work spirit! I swept the leaves off the driveway and lugged em - via the wheelbarrel - to the forest (it will give all the little animals something warm to build homes in!) Then I drove Gwen to my mom's, since she was going to watch her while I got to mowing/mulching the millions of leaves (we have 10 maples in our yard, so it's rather leafy) I get back home - really feeling like just doing this yard work!! (do you ever feel like doing chores is FUN?? this was one of those days!) Go into the garage to retrieve the shed key.. and... umm... WTF?! Where is the shed KEY!?! I call Shaun.. Hello, he says innocently from his desk.. WTF (W this time meaning WHERE!?) is the shed key? I figured he had put it into a 'safe' place for the halloween party (he's funny about stuff sometimes) but nope.. he has no idea where it might be and swears that he did NOT put it anywhere special.. hmmm, so I go on a bit of a hunt through the house - find no keys.. but did find a nice little wallet to exchange my purse for! (YAY!) I was seriously SO annoyed... I thought for a moment how I could break into the shed.. or maybe cut the lock or something! Ah, screw it!! I went to get Gwen.. Shaun came home early (he has an extra shed key on his keychain) took Gwen back to my mom's and got to work.. a couple hours later than I wanted. I was able to do the front, Shaun swept the roof (he assures me that it's SUPER hard work! haha I believe him.. he thinks it'll be my job next year to prove how hard it is- but hopefully I'll b pregnant (or holding a babe in my arms) and therfore 'not allowed' on the roof) We started on the back. It was SO cold! My legs felt like ice and our jaws were numb from the cold!! 28 degrees!! It was bad when the sun went down! We'll finish over the next few days and that will feel nice! :)

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10 weeks
November 18, 2008 4:03 AM
Posted By Shannon
How can 10 weeks have already gone by us? Oh, how I wish I was holding a screaming little boy in my lap right now.. sleep deprived (because he was SO not like his big sister, or parents for that matter - and liked staying awake all. the. TIME!) The realization comes and all the things we'll never do together is so painful.. my heart breaks every time I hear of another family missing their loved little baby, but I feel glad that I (and others, mainly in our online world, where there are so many easily accessible) are there to help pick up some of the pieces, to know that we aren't alone in this horrible journey.. that has given me the most peace - to know that we aren't going through this alone. Other people have lost babies and they are still here.. and they smile.. and they are 'normal' they have 'rainbow' babies (a nice term for the subsequent children, don't cha think?) and they always remember the little one who got away - I wish I didn't have to be 'one of them' but don't we all? The next post is a story that I haven't read (I've got it on hold at the library and it's not in yet) It's called Tear Soup.. a fellow grieving momma typed it out in her blog and I'm stealing it so you can read it! It's a very touching story.. I'm not sure if it's the complete story.. but it's supposed to be a childrens book.. and It's just perfect..
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Tear Soup
November 18, 2008 12:56 AM
Posted By Shannon
"There once was an old and somewhat wise woman whom everyone called Grandy. She just suffered a big loss in her life. Pops, her husband, suffered the same loss, but in his own way. This is the story of how Grandy faced her loss by setting out to make tear soup. . . Because of her great loss Grandy knew this time her recipe for tear soup would call for a big pot. With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, all the misgivings, all the feelings and all of he tears she needed to stew in the pot over time. She put her apron on because she knew it would get messy. It seems that grief is never clean. People feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place. to make matters worse, grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to. And then. . . Grandy started to cry. At first she sobbed. Sometimes she wept quietly. And sometimes when she was in a safe place were no one could hear her. . . she even wailed. Grandy knew she had to make much of this part of the soup alone. She learned from past experiences that most people don't like being around tears. her friends would worry if they knew just how many tears Grandy's recipe called for this time. So, the old and somewhat wise woman reflected on her own special recipe as she looked down into the large overflowing pot of memories. It was a task she would repeat many times during the next few months. . . Grandy's arms ached and she felt stone cold and empty. There were not words that could describe the pain she was feeling. What's more, when she looked out the window it surprised her to see how the rest of the world was going on as usual while her world had stopped. . . people stopped by to see how Grandy was doing. They filled the air with words, but none of their words took the smell of tear soup away. Grandy was gracious because she knew how helpless her friends felt. they wanted to fix her, but they couldn't. All Grandy really needed from them at that moment was knowing look and a warm hug. . . Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup. The giant bowl, where Grandy could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends. "I'm here," Midge cried. "I got here as fast as I could and I'll be here whenever you need me. what a tragedy. I'm so sorry you're having to make such a big pot of soup." Oh what a relief. Grandy knew she didn't have to be careful what she said around Midge. Midge wouldn't try to talk her out of anything she was feeling. And Grandy could even laugh and not worry that Midge would assume Grandy was over her grief. "Sorry I couldn't get here sooner," said Midge. "No problem," replied Grandy. "I've had plenty of help. But most of these friends will be history pretty soon. They'll be over my tragedy long before I am. But I know you'll still be around." . . . On some afternoons people would ask questions like, "Is it soup yet?" Or, "How long is it going to take? You have been at this for over a month now. It's time to get out of the kitchen." Grandy fumed at the caller's advice. Grandy looked forward to getting the mail each day. She dreaded the day when no more sympathy cards would come. When she was alone and needed to think she found it helpful to keep notes on her soup making. Thank goodness Grandy and Pops have been married along time. They already knew each other's tear soup would be different. Secretly Grandy wished Pops would put more flavoring in his soup, but he doesn't want to. And he's perfectly content to dine alone and ship his own soup. Making tear soup is hard work. Sometimes it was all she could think about. even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore. Grandy knew there were times when she needed to take a break from her soup making. Even though it was hard to do, she forced herself to get away. Grandy heard that a neighbor was having to take her turn in the kitchen. Some people thought that the neighbor was eating too much tear soup. So Grandy, being an old and somewhat wise woman, called and invited her to a special soup gathering where it's not bad manners to cry in your soup or have second helpings. Soon the thoughtful cooks sat at Grandy's table and discussed the process of making tear soup. There are some parts that require help from friends and some parts you just have to do alone. They shared stories about soup making they wouldn't dare tell anyone else for fear of being judged a bad cook. . . These people had become Grandy's "new best friends." . . . Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special. Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup, It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time. . . I don't think you actually ever finish. The hard work of making this batch of soup is almost done though. I'll put the rest in the freezer and will pull it out from time to time to have a little taste. I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it. I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you. And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."
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Cold Days
November 17, 2008 2:21 PM
Posted By Shannon
Well, here we are.. the chilly days are back! We still haven't been able to do our leaves.. whenever we could actually do them, it's raining or the leaves are soaked! Hopefully we get a couple of dry days, so I can get out there and take care of buisness.
This past week has been kind of down for me. It's strange, when you start to feel like the day to day life is getting a little better.. when you can think about your dead child and not sob, but maybe smile a little just at the thought of him.. but then out of nowhere grief knocks on the door again, and it's kind of like a punch in the chest - you think the worst is over.. the other hundreds of people and books you've read have to be all wrong.. things can't get as bad as they were at the beginning again, can they? I do believe it can. Well, honestly, I don't feel as horrible as I did in the beginning - I can't even imagine how much worse that time would have been without your body protecting you by throwing out the shock card for a while.. strange how that goes, huh? I spend most of my quiet moments thinking about Dresden, grasping to whatever memories I have of him, wondering when the short 9 months will become a blur.. I'm glad that I kept a journal of my pregnancy, but I wish I'd written more.. I want every detail to stay fresh, I worry that the only details that will stay with me forever are the very last details, the ones I wish didn't exist in the mind of myself or ANYONE - today it is 10 weeks since I sat here looking for info online to prove to me that it was okay that my baby wasnt moving and then finding out later that no.. in this case.. it wasn't okay. I realize though, after not writing for a week - that it's still important for me to do, it helps me mentally to get everything out, and it heals my heart. Thanks for listening. :)
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Autumn trip to the cabin!
November 9, 2008 8:11 PM
Posted By Shannon
Shaun took Thursday and Friday off so we could head up to the cabin early before the weather got chilly and rainy! We had a great time! We took our bikes and rode around a bit, relaxed, had a fire, did some reading, puzzles and just hanging out - which is always nice! Gwen loves the cabin, even though she missed TV!! ACK! How did that happen?? with MY kid!? haha Oh well.. tv and internet free for a few days was wonderful! :) On the way home we stopped at Bronners, as we always do, and let Gwen pick an ornament.. any kind she wanted.. guess what she picked?? A freakin' M & M!! HAHA We also found a beautiful ornament for Dresden - a snowbaby sleeping on a cloud holding a blue blanket.. it says 2008. I feel like I want something more to remember him by at Christmas.. any ideas are welcome! :)
So, overall the trip was a great time! It's always nice to get away from the everyday world and escape to someplace different. It was sad going to the cabin without Dresden.. we keep a journal at the cabin and the last line I wrote when we were there in August was that we hope to be back in November with our new addition! It was supposed to be our first trip as a family of 4.. a trip we were all looking forward to taking together - we could have never imagined that we'd be a family of 3 again.. ever!
Gwen with her "gobbles" That's what she thinks they're called! haha
She USED to be shorter than this penguin!!The arteeeeeest!!
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2 Months
November 9, 2008 3:37 AM
Posted By Shannon
2 months ago almost to the minute, they took my lifeless baby boy from my body. 2 months since my life changed in ways, I could have never imagined and never wanted! 2 months ago, I lost part of who I was, I lost my son's future and the future my family envisioned with him in it. :(

"A Pair of Shoes"
Author unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

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today
November 5, 2008 9:29 PM
Posted By Shannon
I went to kickboxing class today.. if anything can help lift the spirits it's moving the body! The instructor is also the instructor of a playground fitness class that Gwen has been taking most of this year. I'd never really had a conversation with her, but felt that since Gwen and I both see her regularly for classes that I needed to tell her about Dresden.. I mean, 2 months ago I was skippng to my lou with Gwen and a big ole Dresden belly! :) And now all of a sudden, I'm at the rec center every day, taking classes, skipping sadly to my lou with Gwen in her class and NO BABY! I felt like she as probably wondering where the baby was, so I felt like I wanted to talk to her about it. So, I did.. it was a little akward, (Hi, I'm Shannon, we've never been properly introduced, I'm sure you remember that I was pregnant.. my baby died) but it felt really good to get it out there!
My mom told me that my uncle is hosting early christmas this year, since I guess Ma doesn't want to.. she said she told them that I was probably not going to be there.. that I shouldn't be forced to be around those tiny babies. She said that she would hang out with me at Ma's house while the rest of the family was next door (most of my family lives on the same street!) Well.. I really hope that by December I can be graced with the presence of the wee ones. It is incredibly hard to see the babies, as you can imagine.. but the fact is there are babies EVERYWHERE! It's gonna happen! Two of our friends will be bringing newborns to our christmas party - they asked me if it would be okay, and I said that I hope it will.. but I hope to see the babes sooner, just to make sure! I don't know if I'll hold any babies - truthfully, I only want to hold MY baby.. but who knows what another month will do to my emotional state? maybe I'll be better.. maybe I'll be worse. I take one day at a time and can offer no more than that.
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YAY!
November 5, 2008 12:32 AM
Posted By Shannon
I actually feel like MY vote counted!! YIPPPEEE!!
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8 weeks
November 4, 2008 8:40 PM
Posted By Shannon
Here we are again.. another week has come and gone. Another week as a dead baby's momma.. does it get easier? yes, I have to say that it does. It still sucks and will continue to suck until I die. But life goes on, right? It has to, we are not given the choice to stop living, just as we weren't given the choice to lose our baby boy.. I was thinking during my peaceful walk last night that Dresden was like a single drop of rain falling into a puddle - we are the puddle (us, our family and friends) and that single drop meant something to all of us.. but the rest of the world goes on like nothing happened. And to them, nothing did.. our baby was but a tiny blip in the radar of life on earth.. but I know that he touched the people in our lives and I know that we will forever be different people because of his short time with us. I hope that we will be better people too, more loving, honest, caring and compassionate because of him!

Empty by the cranberries:

Something has left my life, And I don't know where it went to, ah, ha, ha. Somebody caused me strife, And it's not what I was seeking. Didn't you see me, didn't you hear me? Didn't you see me standing there, ah, ha, ha? Why did you turn out the lights? Did you know that I was sleeping? Say a prayer for me, Help me to feel the strenght, I did. My identity, has it been taken? Is my heart breakin' on me? All my plans fell through my hands, They fell through my hands on me. All my dreams it suddenly seems, It suddenly seems, Empty
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Today..
November 3, 2008 9:57 PM
Posted By Shannon
Wow! What a day!
First.. I took Gwen to her playground class in the morning.. almost passed out as I opened the door, because there was a new person there today.. with a daughter about Gwen's age and a NEWBORN boy! Talk about knocking the wind out! I tried very hard to avoid looking that way, just playing with Gwen.. luckily the baby didn't do any of that newborn crying - you know, that special 'newborn' cry that is just adroably sweet! The cry that I was sure I was coming home to the other day.. yeah.. but I made it.. with just a bit of misty eyes and no complete sobfest.. I was worried for a moment that I'd have to grab Gwen and run out! How could I just break down in a room full of almost strangers, ya know? I feel like I need to tell the teacher of the class, esp. since I've been taking her kickboxing class.. I feel like she is thinking.. GOD! What kind of mother is this?? I know she was pregnant - and now there's just NO baby!? Anyway.. that was the start of the day. I dropped Gwen off at my mom's, so I could head out to the hospital for the pre conception appt. After leaving there, it started hailing! HUGE ice rocks falling all over my van! YIKES! By the time I got to 94 it was sunny. Perfect crying weather! ;) I do most of my crying while driving.. probably not the safest.. but I like to multi-task, ya know! So, I finally get to U of M.. I start feeling that panic thing.. the last time I parked in structure A, I was pregnant, the last time I waited for the elevator, I was also waiting for my baby to MOVE, I got to the clinic and then waited.. and waited.. and waited... my appt. was at 1pm.. I got there at 115 (it took forever to find a parking spot!) At about 150 I got called back. then I waited.. and waaaaaaaaaited.... and got annoyed.. and waited some more! Around 220the nurse practicioner came in, went over some questions, then went to get the doctor.. and what do you think happened next? I WAITED SOME MORE!! The doctor finally arrived, I think it was 3 by then! She went right into telling me that they weren't able to find any causes, which I've known.. but I guess I was hoping a little that something else popped up.. I've already made peace with the fact that we will never know what happened to Dresden. I asked her opinion on trying again, I told her that I know with the cesarean you have to let things heal and that I would really like to try again in January. she said that she doesn't really worry about the physical healing.. that the emotional side of things is of more concern. I told her that If I waited 5 years, I would still not be completely emotionally ready for another pregnancy - I will always worry that this will happen again, and I think that's normal. I feel as far as my emotional state, I'm as ready as I'll ever be! She suggested to not have a due date close to Dresden's birthday.. well, that might happen anyway. I figure that no matter what, I'll be pregnant ON his birthday (unless some problems arise - gwen took 5 months, dresden took 1 month) so whether I'm 3 months along or 8, it doesn't really matter. I don't feel like September 9 is now a horrible unlucky day and that all babies DIE if they are in my uterus at that time! I'm running out of space, so I'll make another post with some more of the answers she gave me..
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more stuff
November 3, 2008 9:57 PM
Posted By Shannon
I will be considered high risk, I will see a high risk OB, I will have more ultrasounds and monitoring, there is nothing I can do to prevent this happening to us again, I don't need to take anything extra besides my prenatal vitamins, I can have the baby delivered 37-38 weeks, depending on how things are going.. with a possibility of as early as 36 weeks.. depending on my mental state and the health of the baby. They can do amnio to check lung developemnt. She said that most docs won't do the amnio for a 38 week delivery, but for a 36 week they always do... I'd rather not deliver at 36 weeks, (actually I'd probably WAY rather deliver that early - but I know that normally the best place for a baby is INSIDE momma!), they will give the baby non stress tests weekly after 32 weeks.. I think that's it. Oh, and lastly, they took 8 vials of blood from me and are running a full panel on disorders. The doctor said that she didn't feel like I had any blood clotting disorders, and she wasn't even going to do the blood work, but her coleague suggested that it still be done, since we have no cause of death. Anyway, she said that usually when a baby is born to a mother with the blood clotting disorders, the babes are usually small (Dresden was a big ole 8lb 1oz) and the placentas are small too.. mine was normal size.
SO! that was the day.. I didn't pick Gwen up from my mom's until after 5pm! I really never thought this appt would consume the WHOLE DAY!
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and one more lighter post..
November 3, 2008 9:57 PM
Posted By Shannon
I have to tell this funny little story..
When I dropped Gwen off at my mom's my nephew was there. He had a half day at school today.. he's 5. He had a sticker that said 'I voted today' They did some mock vote at school! Pretty cool, eh? So I said, yeah, so who did you vote for? .,..... "the white one"!!! OH. MY. GOD!! I about died!! Then I told him that he picked the wrong one!! HAHAHAA
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why am I awake?
November 2, 2008 6:49 AM
Posted By Shannon
I have no idea.. it's not even 6am! Even with the time change, I'd never be up this early! I'm sure I'll be going back to bed at some point - probably right after I type this! I wonder if Gwen will now wake up at 8am instead of her usual 9!? I sure hope not! haha Although, it could be good for getting stuff done!
We went to Lowes yesterday and got trim for finishing up the kitchen! HOOORAAAY!! It's getting close! I even found some near perfect stain and stained the first batch of trim yesterday (which I guess is my something beautiful for yesterday! haha) Hopefully we can work on this today before game night and have some of the trim put up.. Seriously, you know you're old when moulding gets you excited!
I have that pre-conception appointment tomorrow at U of M.. it's actally IN the hospital.. I wonder if I'll puke on the way in.. or cry.. or both!? I wonder what the midwife was thinking when she suggested I go THERE for this appointment? Aren't there any other doctors that could do it? She mentioned that he does a lot of work with women who have blood disorders that can cause stillbirth (that she assumed he would check my blood for some clotting things that can cause this).. maybe he's the stillbirth expert? I really have no idea! What I want to know from him is when I can try again... I want to hear about the physical aspect.. (emotionally, will I ever be fully ready - for the possibility that this happens again?) I will have another c-section... there will be no VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans) in my future.. I've read that after 3 months the uterus is fully healed.. then of course it takes a few months of being pregnant before the uterus increases a whole lot in size, and because I (sadly) should never have a contraction with the next pregnancy, I won't have much risk of uterine rupture anyway. So here are some questions that are popping into my head... am I missing anything? Please chime in - I'm going to bring a list, since I can never remember what to ask..
When is safe to try again? (I'd like January)
What are the risks of trying earlier (I'm assuming that he'll prefer we wait until at least March or June... but I'm not usually one for listening to 'reason')?
Will I give birth to another dead baby? (I'll ask, even though he obviously won't be able to tell me!)
Will I need to see a high risk OB? Can I anyway?
Are there any offices closer to my house than Ann Arbor? (since I will likely have more appointments than normal)
Will I have more appointments than normal?
Do you have a doppler I can use at home? (if not, I'm buying one!)
When is the earliest we can take the baby out, without risking a stay in NICU?
Will I have more ultrasounds than usual?
Is another pregnancy going to make me crazy? umm YES!
I'm currently taking prenatals, are there other nutrients I should be stocking up on?
Well, that's all I can think of for now! Seriously, if anyone has anything else let me know! I'm normally the most low key patient ever! The new Shannon is going the be the most needy patient ever - esp. when it comes to pregnancy!
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strange mind
November 1, 2008 10:54 AM
Posted By Shannon
I went out this morning for a bit.. as I walked back into our house, I fully expected to hear our baby crying, actually I think I did hear him.. or thought I did, which is strange because I never got to hear him cry. I guess the mind plays tricks. Shaun said that he feels the same way sometimes, like when he comes home from work, he'll open the door and think he is going to see him laying on my chest.
Not sure if this is cruel or comforting?
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Halloween
November 1, 2008 8:38 AM
Posted By Shannon
Something beautiful for Friday is Halloween! Gwen was so excited all week (or since August, really) she was practice trick or treating around the house. I thought she'd be a candy feind when we got home.. but nope! She decided to paint - with both of her hands covered in brown paint! AH! I'll post some pictures later..
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