Ryan Family

Something Beautiful - Thursday
October 31, 2008 11:50 AM
Posted By Shannon
Going to a Natural Parents halloween party and meeting some new folks (83 of them!)! Watching the kids play together.. esp. Gwen and Kieran playing baseball - it was too sweet!!
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Something beautiful everyday
October 30, 2008 9:54 AM
Posted By Shannon
A fellow lost baby momma (sounds nicer than dead baby momma, I suppose) added a thead on a message board called - Something beautiful everyday.. she thought it would be nice to find beauty even in the face of tragedy. Sometimes it is hard to find beauty when you're grieving, but it's still there, all around us. So, I'm going to make an attempt to have this category every day on this site.. feel free to join in and put your own 'something beautiful' in the comments section! Now, my things arent' always beauitful (that seems like a word you'd use to describe the autumn leaves crunching under your feet) sometimes they are just fun things that make me smile, or brighten my heart.

Wednesday - going to kickboxing and using a jump rope - I actually did good too! The stretching portion at the end was like yoga.. they even turn the lights off - I love breathing innnnnnn and ouuuuuuut - one of the stretches made my uterus feel funny, so I won't do that one anymore.
ALSO.. we carved pumpkins at the MO house! It was a lot of fun.. well, I didn't really carve a pumpkin, but I did gut one with Gwen.. I let Shaun take care of the carving part - there were SOOOOOOOOO many pumpkins - all really cool! And sooo many yummy treats! MMMM! But most of all the company with that crowd is always beautiful and loving!!
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It's offical..
October 29, 2008 5:02 PM
Posted By Shannon
Our friend had a baby a couple days ago - the one who didn't know the sex.. well, it's another GIRL!! Out of 10 - 2008 pregnancies (family or close friends) ALL GIRLS.. except our boy.. our missing boy :(
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7 weeks
October 28, 2008 7:44 PM
Posted By Shannon
Still hard to believe that my baby boy has been out of my body for 7 weeks.. life in general has gotten easier with these weeks. It's still hard to believe that he's gone, it doesn't really get less sucky!
I've been thinking about Dresden's death.. and have had a couple people (including shaun and I at times) who've said, that the fact that he never took a breath is 'better' than if he had been with us for a while.. that it would have made everything all the more difficult if he had been born alive. I feel conflicted about this because on one hand, yes.. it is probably easier that we never brought him home, never heard him cry or laugh... however, it makes it so painful that we never heard his voice, never saw his eyes, it hurts that we don't have more pictures of him and that the only ones we do have are of a dead baby, and one who's skin is not in the best condition, due to his passing inside my warm body.. Some people may think that it would be easier because you aren't attached to the baby yet.. But the thing that you don't know.. unless you are a parent.. is how deep the attachment is.. I felt attached to that sweet baby as soon as the 2nd line appeared on the pregnancy test.. and the attachment grew every day, with every move and every hiccup I felt. I was so afraid that he would leave us in those early weeks.. one day my temperature went down (I continued to chart for a few weeks after getting pregnant for some reason) and I told Shaun that I wold miscarry that day, I just 'knew' it! I felt terrified then.. only days after finding out that I was pregnant. Shaun said, well.. when you don't lose the baby, you need to STOP charting! And so I did, after taking my temp once more the next day! ;) Sometimes I wish that I had lost him then.. before seeing him on ultrasound, before ever feeling his wiggly little body.. oh, I would have been devastated... but I would know a pain less than this... but then I think, if I had lost him then, I'd have no memories of him kicking me, I would have never gotten to see his sweet face, or him dancing around during the first ultrasound, I would have never gotten to hear his heartbeat - so even though my heart is hurting, I am grateful that he was a part of my life.. even if only for a short time.
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Brandon and Ro!
October 27, 2008 12:59 PM
Posted By Shannon
CONGRATS to the Mitchells!!! Our friends tied the knot over the weekend. What a fun wedding it was!! Poor shaun was sore the next day! That boy is a dancin' fool! Initially I was feeling kind of down.. From the moment I got pregnant, it was known that I'd be bringing a baby to that wedding reception! Like I've said before, leaving a little nursing baby just wasn't gonna happen! :( So sometimes things are just a reminder of what I should have had.. and now don't.. eventually though, I felt better and broke it down on the dance floor a little with Shaun. I had a couple of glasses of Ryan's cream! and made perverted jokes about it! haha
Gwen spent the night at my mom's.. It's funny, she NEVER spent the night anywhere until I was in the hospital having Dresden... now the past 3 Saturdays, she's been sleeping away from us! The best part of it is that whenever we go to pick her up, she isn't ready to leave! I guess that's what happens when a super attached kid starts spending the night places, eh!?
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Dreams
October 27, 2008 9:59 AM
Posted By Shannon
Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant again. But it wasn't an ordinary pregnancy.. it was going to last only 5 days! AND end with the birth of a full term baby! How amazing if that could really happen next time! I was setting up my c-section for a Thursday - it was only Monday in the dream! The only strange thing (besides the whole 5 day pregnancy) was that because it was so fast, I wasn't showing yet.. and I couldn't feel the baby move. I felt kind of cheated, since I absolutely LOVE being pregnant, but just really wanted a living baby in my arms, so I didn't care about missing out on the joys of pregnancy.
Cinderella was right.. "A dream is a wish your heart makes"
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Today
October 22, 2008 10:35 PM
Posted By Shannon
What an emotionally draining day! First the midwife appointment.. and then this evening I went to my mom's for my sister's birthday. My cousin and his wife come over with their brand new baby girl.. a week or two old and darling, I'm sure.. As soon as I saw the baby carrier, I just had to run to the bathroom and cry.. I thought I could handle it(i've seen babies at target and stuff), I got my composure back in the bathroom and went out to sing happy birthday. My cousin was holding the baby by then, and I couldn't even look at them fully.. back to the bathroom for me - this time my mom followed and I sobbed while she hugged me and cried too. I figured that seeing baby girls would be easier than boys.. wrong! I don't want people with babies to feel bad for having a LIVING baby or for bringing her around me.. it's not that, it's just I feel so fucking sad and angry that I don't have my son and there are reminders everywhere of what I've lost. I look forward, one day, that these 2008 babies will not hurt my heart to look at..but give me a glimpse of what Dresden would have been doing - walking, talking, school, college, marriage, kids of his own.. hopefully keeping his memory alive in me forever.. I just hope that these friends and relatives understand that I have no ill feelings toward them or their babies, I'm extremely happy for them all.. but at the same time I've extremely sad for myself.
I've also read and gotten advice from other mom's with lost babies.. and a lot of them say that at this point you can still be in shock and everything hits all over again 2-4 months in! Oh Great! Just when I thought things were looking up.. then I have a day like today to smack me right back into reality.. and with a possibility of MORE days like this? A LOT MORE?!!

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Midwife
October 22, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I went to the midwife today..6 week check up..cried the whole way there (thank you for helping with that Josh Grobin!)! ummm so nothing exciting.. it appears that my cervix and uterus are back in their 'normal' state... no, that does not mean I should try conceiving again.. in fact she reminded me that it would NOT be a good idea to go getting pregnant this soon.. I told her that I only get pregnant when I want to - Shaun and I have many years of practice in that department.. and have only conceived TWO babies.. both intended pregnancies. I will be seeing the preconception guy in a couple of weeks.. I hope he can give me some good insight on when we can try to make another baby.. it's strange but i'm kind of feeling desperate about it.. my arms are so empty and I NEED a baby in them.. my baby though.. I can't even think about holding other peoples babies.. so don't worry.. I'm no going to turn into a babynapper! Anyway, from what I've read a cesarean takes 3 months to heal completely.. I figure, if I take my vitamins, drink some raspberry leaf tea (stregthens the uterus.. I was taking this in the last few months of pregnancy preparing for my super easy VBAC delivery!) and exercise I can get my body ready for another pregnancy sooner than later. Pregnancy is hard on a woman's body.. and two in a row could cause some serious depletions in your mineral/vitmamin stores..
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6 weeks
October 21, 2008 8:29 AM
Posted By Shannon
Each week passes.. they are speeding up again. For a while time felt like it was on stand by.. just for us. Now, it seems the world has started to move again. I'm conflicted about this... I'm not sure I want the world to move on.. but I do think time is the best healer in most cases, so only time will help.. but there is always that nagging voice in the back of my head (or actually usually it's hanging out in front!) - "YOUR BABY IS DEAD! Don't smile! Don't laugh! What is wrong with you!?" But I do realize that no child of mine would want a sad momma all the time.. so for Gwen and for Dresden I refuse to be that person... for my children I will rise above the pain.. and eventually Dresden's life, the time he spent inside my womb will be a positive memory - it has to be.. cause that's all I've got.
I miss you baby boy, I miss you sooooo very much!
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Halloween Party 2008
October 20, 2008 1:05 PM
Posted By Shannon
What can I say! The halloween party as always was a fun night! Thanks to Brandon's yummy punch I was highly buzzed by 8pm! (after 1 drink! haha) But of course I didn't stop there! We had some good laughs which were VERY needed after the past 6 weeks and made some fun memories! We seriously couldn't ask for better friends and family to party down with!
Some of the costumes were REALLY amazing! (not mine, I wasn't dressed up) Borat and his blemish free ass.. won best male (a couple of my other faves were my nephew Michael - who actually CREATED his 2 face mask from scratch! I didn't even recongnize him when he first came into my house! and then Will as the Joker was a fave too.. I just love the joker right now - esp cause Gwen says "Whyyy sooo serious" in the joker voice!!) Sarah Palin won best female, then Popeye and Olive Oil for best couple! If there was a best group category it would have TOTALLY been the muppets!!
Here are a few pictures.. I'm adding lots more to MYSPACE if you care to look - there might be some NAKED shots!! WOOOWOOOO!! Just kiddin' your naked pictures are safe with me! ;)

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October 20
October 20, 2008 9:30 AM
Posted By Shannon
I posted a really long story about the beginning of our relationship that I wrote a long time ago for my scrapbook.. I figured our wedding anniversary would be a good day to post something like that! hehe :)
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Happy Anniversary to us!! 7 years of marriage!
October 20, 2008 9:22 AM
Posted By Shannon
The Story of our beginning

Like the beginning of any perfect romance, we met on the school bus. The year was 1992, I was in 10th grade, he was in 9th (so I like younger men.. big deal!) and it was to be the beginning of a magical journey together. Of course me being 15 and him 14, we would have NEVER thought of forever – well, maybe I did.. but that’s what
15 year old girls do!
Anyhow, back to the first meeting. We were on the bus ride home from good old John F. Kennedy high school, when Joel (my 3rd cousin and Shaun’s Tae Kwon Do buddy) started to harass Leona, Dina and I. Or more likely we started to harass him. Shaun being the macho and flirty guy that he his, stepped in to assist his superior in Tae Kwon Do. Probably to catch some female attention, knowing Shaun.
It took me a few days to figure out that I was gonna have to like this guy. We actually talked, which was weird for me. Normally when I liked boys, I was super shy and the biggest conversation would have been “hi” followed by lots of giggles and excitement. But Shaun was different; I could actually talk to him, and considered him a friend.
The day I finally decided for sure that he was my next target for love (I’d only targeted like 2 guys in my whole life!) was the day that Joel fractured his jaw in tae kwon do class! Lucky for me it wasn’t serious enough for him to be out of school for long, and only two days later he was back on the bus.
One of these early days on the bus ride home, he sang a song to me. Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I thought it was just the most romantic thing ever. So, I did what any girl in my situation would do. I bought the tape!! (yes, we used cassette tapes back then!) I loved that song so much, and Anthony Kiedis was HOT! I kept asking Leona; don’t you think Shaun kind of looks like him?? She always said nope. One thing we did agree on about Shaun though, was that he had an arrogant appeal to him. While watching Beauty and the Beast one day, we decided that he was definitely Gaston like. “She’s the best girl in town and don’t I deserve the best???” Ha!
I can’t remember when the first candy gram was sent to my sssecretly-admired love, possibly December 1992. This started a two-month period of ssecret love letters. Leona and I would make up poems, very clever poems like.. ‘I see you walking down the hall, I wish you were my butterball” and ‘Every time I see you my heart goes bump bump’ We were full of fabulous ideas. Every letter was signed “Love, your sssssecret admirer” and sealed with a kiss – from Leona normally, because I would just start to laugh and lipstick would be everywhere! Mary supplied us with the cards since she worked for Hallmark at the time and had a nice stock of every kind of card imaginable. The reason for the many ssss, besides my name starting with an S?? My Chinese animal sign is the snake. Shaun knew this, so I offered it as a little hint. Unfortunately he didn’t get it.
He always figured that the most likely culprit was Dina, since she was the only one who didn’t talk to him. I had planned on putting a valentine puzzle in his locker with a teddy bear to expose the secret. However, Shaun called my house one day while I was babysitting and talked to Jennifer for a bit.. who very willingly ratted me out! What kind of sister does that? So Shaun knew the big secret, was he thrilled? I don’t know.. he really liked many girls at the time, his flirtatious ways
made sure that a few girls liked him too!
When the next semester started, I had switched out of a class (can’t remember which one or why, but there was a good reason??) and got into Ms. Eskins art class instead. (gotta love Fate!) I was walking to class with Dina and when we walked by Ms. Eskins room, guess who I saw?? SHAUN RYAN!! Oh the delight, I actually probably squealed in the hallway! 2nd hour was going to be the BEST! So, I came in, and sat at a table with Shaun, Jason Ward and Beth Gorke. We all had a lot of fun in that class.
Around March of 1993, I joined tae kwon do after watching a Jean Claude Van Dam movie with Leona. She was already in karate, and of course the fact that Shaun was in it too, had nothing to do with me wanting to join! So, I went to class all the time, and got all giddy and excited when I saw Shaun walking toward the building with his workout bag in tow. His giups were always so much fun to laugh at. HI, MY, DIE, PIE… etc. and it gave me more of a chance to flirt with him and watch him get all sweaty!
On June 6, 1993 I got my drivers license. A couple days later, my mom let me drive her car to karate. How cool was I?? Jennifer walked up there later so she could ride home with me. I left class feeling highly important and mature; after all, I did have a car to drive! (even if it was just for less than a mile trip and my mom’s!) I had the brilliant plan that I would pull up next to Shaun and offer him a lift, you know, to look suave. So, backing out I hear BOOM! And then an alarm going off. I just froze, and then asked Jennifer, did I hit it? Did I hit it? She said, NO! go go go!! There goes my suave idea. There was no way that I could offer him a ride now, I felt like a total idiot and I was super freaked out. I took the car home and decided to go for a walk with Jennifer. We walked to the Little Rose Chapel, for a quick prayer. Then I was ready to go to Shaun’s house. I was embarrassed and wanted to see how much of that he saw? Of course he saw everything.. we laughed and chatted. I tried to kiss Bear and it looked like he might bite my face off - it seems that no one had taught that dog how to kiss!
Back at school, there was talk about Shaun and not one but two girls that he liked. Beth Gorke labeled them party number one and party number two. I wasn’t allowed to know who they were, which led me to believe that I was one of them. Though I can’t remember which one? And honestly I didn’t care, as long as I was the one picked! Well, that dream came true on Friday, June 11, 1993! What a wonderful day that was! We sat next to each other on the bus that afternoon and I found out that my new FIRST awesome boyfriend was not going to be able to see me all weekend! He had boy scout camp to attend – WHAT? I’m going out with a boy scout?? Wow.. I didn’t even think those existed in high school. Oh well, there would be plenty of other weekends to hang with my new man.
Our first horrible kiss was in the back of the karate school, probably 5 days after our relationship began. Joel was there, he asked us if we’d kissed yet. We shyly said no… and he said, you guys need to kiss right now! I’m not letting you leave until you kiss!! So, we went for it… and it was kind of a rushed painful kiss.. highly embarrassing! On the walk to my house after, I had some gum in my mouth and I said, to Shaun, want some? He said yes… and that’s how we had our first real kiss. How incredibly cheesy! But we are a cheesy couple, so it fits.
Our first movie date was with Leona, Dina and BrandonWilley. We went to southland mall’s movie theatre to see Jurassic Park. Afterward, we took photo’s in the booth. You can tell that I am not at my most comfortable in those photo’s.. as the years go by, those photo booth pictures get more and more loosey goosey! I never considered the movie to be our real first date. Since we went with friends, it wasn’t the same. What I consider our first date is midway golf. Shaun’s mom picked me up. I was wearing shorts with a black pleather front and some kind of flannel shirt with cut off sleeves (Hey, it was the grunge era!) Shaun sat in the back with me, like his mom was a chauffeur or something, which was a little strange to me, but nice to have him sitting next to me in the back of the mini van. We arrived at midway to play putt putt golf, and after walked across the street to get ice cream. It was raining a bit, we were sitting outside and kissing a lot! (we were old pro’s by then!) Shaun was trying to remove strawberry seeds from my retainer! The owners of the ice cream place came out and said we had to leave because they were closing down for the day. (or they didn’t want teenagers making out at their business!?) So, we walked to the pay phone and called for our pick up ride. What a fun and memorable day. We still celebrate our dating anniversary each year by going to play putt putt at midway.

The End. Of the beginning.



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A Walk to Remember
October 19, 2008 5:10 PM
Posted By Shannon
The walk to remember was nice. It was a pretty short walk - I kind of wish it was longer (even though Gwen walks Reeeeeeeaaaly slow) but the event on a whole was nicely done. Strange to be surrounded by so many people who have lost babies, sad to be part of that group but glad that we are not alone in this journey. I wasn't sure how emotional it would be, and it wasn't as bad as I thought.. but I felt like if I talked to anyone I would lose it.. so I didn't really attempt to 'make friends' Heck, just signing in I started to tear up a little.. and all the lady said was, here write a message on this paper leaf and we put them in a book every year with pictures of the walk and the new tree! I hate crying in front of people by the way.. so I usually try hard to avoid that. Sometimes.. it can't be avoided though, so we just go with the flow! Someone donated books for the people at the walk, it's called The angel with the golden glow. It's a nice book.. heavy on the religious stuff.. god sending angels to earth just to leave poor people all sad and alone... beautiful illistrations though and a heartfelt story too. Some people released balloons for their baby girl at the tree planting site. A lot of people had shirts or buttons with their little lost ones. They had little tree slices that the siblings could color on and then wear a necklace in memory of the sibling they are missing.. Shaun helped Gwen make one and she wore it (most of the time) all the way to the tree planting site. I recommend visiting the Nichols Arbetoreum though, it's a goregeous place along the huron river.. very peaceful. I had no idea it existed that close to the hospital!
Oh, and the hospital.. I'm glad we drove there together yesterday, it was a tough drive.. the last time we drove there ended up being the worst day of our lives! I felt sick while driving by there again and nervous- like just being there was going to cause it to happen again! My appointment with the preconception specialist is at the hospital next month.. so hopefully going there will make me a little stronger each time. I told Shaun that the hospital now holds more bad memories than good.. Gwen was born there and gave us the BEST day of our lives. Dresden was born there and gave us the worst day.. and papa died there 2 years ago in March. I said, so we have to even things out.. if we have our next babies there it will make more positive memories for us - and one thing is for sure.. they know how to do a cesarean!!
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A Walk to Remember
October 17, 2008 11:02 PM
Posted By Shannon

We're doing this walk tomorrow.. (before the halloween party)http://www.med.umich.edu/nursing/holden/walktoremember.html
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The show must go on..
October 17, 2008 10:56 PM
Posted By Shannon
And that show would be the halloween party. Tomorrow nigt - everyone's invited! I'm hoping to drink a lot of booze! Join the festivities if you like!!
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We Remember
October 16, 2008 1:26 AM
Posted By Shannon
October 15th is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. We lit a candle at 7pm in remembrance of not only Dresden, but all the other babies who left our world much too soon.
With every breath from now until the last, I will remember my darling son.
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nature walk at the park
October 15, 2008 10:04 PM
Posted By Shannon
We went to Lower Huron over the weekend and had a really nice time. Who doesn't love autumn? Here are some pictures from our day there.
Wingardium Leviosa - a magic spell from Harry Potter!


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Things I shouldn't be able to do
October 15, 2008 12:05 AM
Posted By Shannon
I can't help but think of all the things that I shouldn't be able to do.. I should have a 5 week old baby with me constantly - there would be no..
going to the movies with Shaun to (finally) see the dark night
getting drunk at parties
going to kickboxing (as I did today)
taking a bike ride with Gwen while Shaun is working (another thing we did today)
seeing wicked this winter
sleeping all night long
taking long walks alone
consider going to cedar point
Don't get me wrong, these are all things that I enjoy, but oh, how I would have enjoyed having a lifetime with my baby boy SO much more!
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5 weeks
October 14, 2008 12:09 AM
Posted By Shannon
Wow, 5 weeks.. I almost typed 5 months.. sometimes it feels that long. 5 weeks since I kissed my sweet boys head and held him close, 5 weeks since I lost my dreams.. I took a walk today, while I walked alone, I let my thoughts take me over.. it dawned on me that Dresden will never have any 'firsts'
no first christmas, birthday, smile, steps, tooth, no first cry, no first breath! There are still really times that I go about my day and I honestly don't believe that this happened! I wonder when it will settle into me completely? How long does it take to realize 100% that your baby is DEAD.. never coming back, never being born ALIVE! I mean, sure.. I realize this.. I'm not crazy or anything (at least I hope not) but still.. I can't explain it fully.. I guess with all of my being, I just want it to not be true... but I know that as much as I wish I could will him to be alive, it just ain't happenin'!
Sunday we had a really great day! We went to Lower Huron metropark, took a great nature walk along the river over some very hilly and rooty terrain! Then in the evening went to Hallween in the village! A seriously fun beautiful day of fresh air and laughter! When we got home and it was time for bed, I just lost it! All I could think is that we had this great day and HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! and I guess he was.. I wear his ashes around my neck all the time - but it's not quite the same, is it?
we went to the village for 2nd Mondays.. and would you believe that EVERY FREAKIN 'hippy' (yes I refer to moms who wear their babes and nurse in front of everyone as hippies and I LOVE them all!) momma was there today!?!? SERIOUSLY! I saw TWO women nursing their babies (in all the time that i've been a nursing mother.. I think I've seen 1 or 2 women nurse in public - not including La Leche League meetings, of course! hehee and today I see TWO, right in a row!?)! Tons of slings, wraps and various other carriers, I even saw a mom on the carousel standing next to her toddler with a newborn in a sling... that should have been ME!! I will forever be missing part of my heart! :(
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test drunk, other shenanigans and putting baby things away
October 11, 2008 9:05 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I thought it would be a good idea to have a 'test drunk' before the halloween party, since I intend to drink myself silly.. so at Brandon's bday party last night, I had some beverages of the alcoholic sort.. Did I turn into 'there's a tear in my beer' sorta drunk? umm not quite.. but I also didn't feel super chipper like I normally do when the booze is a flowin' So, I guess it's safe to drink next week if the mood strikes! For this outing, Gwen actually spent the night with Shaun's parents.. it was like the first time (for us at least) because the first time Gwen spent the night anywhere was a month ago when I was giving birth to Dresden and spending the night in the hospital. It was strange to sleep in our bed with no Gwennie! Of course, we didn't get home til 4am (thanks to uncle rico!).. soooo I guess we weren't without her for all that long! ;) She didn't even miss us either! We went to pick her up, and she wanted to STAAAAY! hahaa Now, you might think that would make me sad.. but it doesn't.. I'm grateful that she wants to stay there longer.. then we don't ever have to feel guilty or bad for leaving her!
Our neighbor came over today with a basket of fruit and veggies for us! I continue to be just amazed at the thoughtfulness and generosity of others. She told us that she experienced a full term loss 44 years ago (a baby boy as well), and you never forget your baby. I didn't think you could ever forget, but I can't tell you how nice it is to hear that from people who went through it.. I never want to forget my sweet son, and I'll make sure that all of our children hear about the brother that is missing from our family.
We played tennis today! It felt really great to play again.. I only played a couple times this year.. the last time was July, .. I was pretty huge.. it was tricky to bend over to get the balls! haha
We put all the baby stuff in the attic today (the clothes are staying in the dresser armoire down here though) I came in as Shaun was putting a plastic bag over the bassinet top.. and I could see he was getting emotional. So, I jokingly said, why in the heck are you crying about THAT?! You know he would have NEVER slept in there! hehee (Hey, we're a family bed kind of family, what can I say?) Then he left the room to get duct tape or something and came back to me crying.. he said, HEY! Didn't you just say how he wasn't gonna use any of this stuff anyway, so why ya crying? I said, but HE WAS GOING TO USE THIS... the car seat! :( We actually already had it installed in the van.. my sister removed it for us, so we wouldn't have to ride home with the empty baby carrier on the way back from U of M... I know one thing.. next time we have a baby, NONE of that stuff is coming down! I'm not washing any clothes, we've got a box of diapers in the closet - there will be nothing that we need to buy (all a newborn needs is momma milk anyway!!)- once we walk in the house with a breathing living baby, then we can get stuff out! You know the old saying.. don't count your chickens before they hatch!

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One Month
October 9, 2008 10:07 AM
Posted By Shannon
1 month ago I became a mother of a dead baby, I joined a club that NO ONE wants to join, I had part of my heart ripped from my chest.. and grief is such a strange emotion.. last night after adding the picture of the Stone - I was looking at pictures of Dresden (I was thinking about sharing some, but I'm just not ready yet). I completely lost it, Shaun did too.. I haven't sobbed like that in probably two weeks - my tears now are quieter, not as dramatic.. I thought I was over the worst of the uncontrollable sobbing, guess I was wrong.
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The stone
October 9, 2008 3:24 AM
Posted By Shannon
As you know from my last entry, we were working on a stone for Dresden to have at the cemetary with papa! Shaun did a freakin' great job! He's so talented.. all free hand with a dremel and crap!
I was intending to use a little big bigger stone, but this is all I could find (in a bag of stones at Michaels) so we'll be on the lookout for a river type stone.. something nice and smooth.. maybe the size of a fist.. then I'll put Shaun to work again on the bigger one and we'll do a trade.. but for now, this is perfect!
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tomorrow..
October 8, 2008 11:37 PM
Posted By Shannon
It's creeping up on us... tomorrow is the 9th.. 1 month since Dresden's birth.. we've been preparing. I figured the 1 month mark would be a good day to go to the cemetary and leave some of Dresden's ashes at papa's grave. I know papa would be heartbroken for our baby boy if he was here, and who knows maybe their souls are hanging out together waiting to be born again (empty womb here.. unless you're gonna just die again!)? I always kind of thought that Dresden could have even been papa reincarnated - but I was going to wait to see how Dresden reacted when we did the MOO cow that papa always did to all the kids to see if there was a glimmer in his eye to decide for sure!! :) Anyway, we want to put some ashes there, so we're working on making a little stone to go above where we put the ashes, that way there is a little memorial there and folks visiting papa can say howdy to Dresden too!. We're trying to engrave his name on something so we'll just have to see how it turns out - so far it's not going well. The engraver I bought sucks! Shaun went out with Gwen to get a different one and I went looking for a different stone. i like to drive by myself at night.. I can turn up my sappy music and cry all alone... hey, I've got a box of tissue in my car now.. how crazy is that!?
meh, anyway.. I'm off to the garage to assist Shaun with the engraving project.. if it turns out professional looking.. maybe we'll start a new buisness!! GRAVE MARKERS!
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4 weeks
October 7, 2008 7:14 PM
Posted By Shannon
Dear Dresden,
You would be 4 weeks old today. It hurts me to sit here without you, to not hear your cry., to not hold you close, nurse you, smell you. I'll never know what color eyes you have, what your voice sounds like, what kind of personality would you have? Would daddy say, that your scowl looks like mine? Would I say your focused look was all him? We will never know. The pain we feel in your absence is great. I will always wonder why you left us. I was so sure you did a good job picking us as your parents when I got pregnant so quickly (first try!)- (who wouldn't want two of the awesomest parents around, eh?!! hehe) you knew we would never hurt you, from conception until WE died we would have taken the very best care of you as humanly possible (your wife would have hated us!)! Yesterday we went to have ice cream, your big sister is still waiting for you to come home (or out).. she said, when our baby comes out, he can have rainbow ice cream too and he can sit right here next to me! I can't tell you how much it devastates me that you aren't here to be the little brother that she's been waiting for. Your family misses you so much baby boy and we will love you forever!
Love, momma

another lovely poem..
"Before you were conceivedI wanted youBefore you were bornI loved youBefore you were here an hourI would give my life for youThis is the miracle of life.~ Maureen Hawkins"
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Another great poem
October 6, 2008 1:15 PM
Posted By Shannon
REMEMBERINGby Elizabeth DentGo ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

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sweet dreams
October 6, 2008 10:19 AM
Posted By Shannon
I ask Dresden every night to visit my dreams.. last night I was pregnant with him again.. I knew he had already died, but in the dream I went to the midwife, and she found his heartbeat and said, there's your baby! I couldn't hear the heartbeat, but I believed her, then I felt two little kicks... I said, I need to see him, is there anyway!? She handed me these funky futuristic goggles, I put them on and peered into my belly.. there he was, moving around, bringing his arms up to his face, I asked how is this possible? He was dead?! Is this real? She said, sometimes things happen.. i asked would he be brain damaged because of dying before? No, he shouldn't be, she said.. so i left and called everyone up to tell them the news!
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babies babies EVERYWHERE!
October 5, 2008 2:10 PM
Posted By Shannon
I can't help but observe the world - my world- being surrounded by babies! I know 9 people, not including myself who are either due this year or have already given birth! Wanna know the crazy thing???
ALL GIRLS! Except for one who is keeping it for a surprise - we'll know in a few weeks!
and me.. I had a boy - a sweet little boy! Isn't that strange? I kind of feel like what the heck!? DIDN'T WE NEED him in the world to balance out all these girls?? seriously! I'm kind of glad most or maybe?? all of these babes in my family and friends circles are girls.. it's still hard to look at a newborn but a newborn boy makes me want to run and hide! :( I wonder how long it will be before I can hold a baby without feeling like my heart will leap out of my chest and run for cover! I miss my baby.
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Random thoughts..
October 4, 2008 1:19 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I'm really pissed.. I just wrote like a half a page here and mentioned to Shaun how my computer is running slow.. soooo he starts fiddling with it (even though I say, let me finish FIRST) aaaaaaannnnd.. then my page RESETS! grrrrrrrrrrr! So, now i have to try remembering what I'd already written.. if you know me, then you may know how much I absolutely HATE re-doing stuff.. so here I go..
Cool birthdays - we all have them.. except poor Shaun, his is 9/27
me-6/6
gwen - 1/1
Dresden - 9/9
Now that I will have planned cesareans with my subsequent pregnancies (when we're brave enough to do this again) I can perhaps pick cool bdays on purpose!? Maybe 10/10? or 11/11? Sounds good!
I was thinking yesterday that someday Dresden will be a big brother! I've only ever thought of him as little brother until then.. and then I thought, how strange it will be because obviously we'll love and adore the next child and at the same time the fact will be that if Dresden hadn't died that child would not be here! We would have never gotten pregnant before he was 18 months old (but more likely 2yrs) because I didn't want pregnancy to cause early weaning - not to mention that I didn't even ovulate after Gwen until she was 10 months old(another great breastfeeding benefit!)! - so getting pregnant 5-6 months after a birth would be pretty much impossible! I read this poem yesterday in the back of a book on trying again after loss.. it's really beautiful.
A Different Child poem by Pandora MacMillian
People noticeThere's a special glow around you.
You growSurrounded by love,Never doubting you are wanted;Only look at the pride and joyIn your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimesBetween the smilesThere's a trace of tears,One dayYou'll understand.
You'll understandThere was once another childA different childWho was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothesThat child will never keep them up at nightIn fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,When mother and father miss so muchThat different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmlyAnd may you learn the lesson foreverHow infinitely preciousHow infinitely fragileIs this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or womanYou may see another mother's tearsAnother father's silent griefThen you, and you aloneWill understandAnd offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,You will tell themWith great compassion,"I know how you feel.I'm only hereBecause my mother tried again."
Yesterday, I drank wine.. Brent asked if I wanted some, and I almost said, no.. but then something clicked in my head and I thought, what the hell.. Im not pregnant, I'm not nursing - WHY WOULDN'T I???
What else?? I dunno.. I have good days and bad.. mostly moments of bad, not usually whole days. He's always in my thoughts, even when I'm lauging and chasing gwen at the park. That makes me happy... I don't want him going anywhere.
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A Walk to Remember
October 2, 2008 4:34 PM
Posted By Shannon



A Walk to Rememberand Tree-Planting Ceremony
October 18, 2008 @ 1:00 p.m.(Gathering begins at 12:30)Nichols Arboretum, Ann Arbor, MI



A Walk To Remember is a time for families, friends and staff to join with others who share a similar journey: A time to come together to honor hopes, dreams and memories. All are welcome to visit the Walk to Remember trees in this beautiful and peaceful preserve. It is open to the public from sunrise to sunset.



http://www.med.umich.edu/nursing/holden/walktoremember.html
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October is..
October 1, 2008 9:43 PM
Posted By Shannon
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October
October 1, 2008 12:00 AM
Posted By Shannon
Feeling sad, yet again.. I was never pregnant with Dresden in October.. I was never supposed to be, but still it feels like we've skipped into a new month and farther away from when my baby was inside me and full of life. :(
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