Friday, January 30, 2009

Mr Rogers video

Here is a video about nursing that was on Mr. Rogers.. so beautiful, it admittedly made me a little weepy. I sure wish I had my baby to nurse.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mom and Dad?

Already? She's only THREE! But here she is, Hey, dad.. can you read this for me?
Mom, can you play hide and seek with me?
Now, she does still refer to us as momma, mommy, daddy too.. but she's slipping in this mom and dad thing more and more! WE HATE IT! I want many more years of being momma.. mom sounds so serious - it doesn't fit me!! And the word daddy, well I just adore her calling Shaun that.. even more since I never had a 'daddy' .. it's one of those things you miss out on when your parents divorce young and you don't see your dad again until you're older.

A friend turned me on to a group of books about ages of children.. I have one on hold at the libary.. it's called "Your 3 year old, Friend or Enemy?" haha I love that title.. it's very true, I'm not sure if she's friend or enemy, she changes so quickly.. I'm glad that Shaun and I are finding the humor in our 'new' girl.. mostly... mostly! ;)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

7 weeks

Keep in mind that the 7 weeks is from your last menstrual period (which for me is a lie.. because my last one was November 21st.. BUT I just go 2 weeks before ovulation to get me the lmp date - hooray for long cycles!) I'm actually 5 weeks pregnant from CONCEPTION... it's all very confusing, which is why docs and the pregnancy calendars go by your last period, since ovulation can vary. That's why I chart my temps, so I know for sure when conception occurs. blahbitty blah! So, I'm either 7/40 weeks OR 5/38 weeks.. I use the 7 because that's what pretty much everyone else uses, so it seems less confusing. And now i'm sure i've made this way more confusing for everyone reading, so I'll just stop! :)
Okay.. I've been having some symptoms of a little life force growing inside. Symptoms make me feel good.. like I didn't imagine the 8 double lines on those pregnancy tests weeks ago! I've always liked my symptoms.. most of what I've read is that symptoms are a good sign of a 'sticky' pregnancy.
*I've been tired.. even napping!
*I've been nauseous and puked a few times.
*the 'nummies' are preparing to feed a baby! ;)
*oh, and I'm freakin' LAZY! AHHH I can't motivate myself to do ANYTHING (well, I did start crocheting another hat, but that's kind of lazy work too)! I hate that symptom.. I want to wake up all energized and get to cleaning and organizing.. but I... just.. can't! I'll keep trying though.
I think that's it. I'm still feeling pretty optimistic, with a touch of realism about this pregnancy. I think keeping the realistic thoughts are important.. I'm trying to not be a pessimist, but a realist isn't so bad. I'll admit, it's a hard place to be in at times. Overall I'm enjoying this while I have it. I did have a moment of pissiness when I thought, damn it! I have to start this all over again.. to get the same thing I should already have - a baby! AND it's not like getting said baby, makes everything all better. I will still grieve for Dresden, he'll always be missing.. no matter how many more children we have, one will always be missing. It just SUCKS!

Monday, January 26, 2009

:) smile!

Gwen with blueberry smiles!

I actually finished a hat! YAY!

just stuff

Well, I had my first appt today.. it was a phone appt with the nurse. So, would you think that the nurse who called would have looked at my chart real quick before calling? Do you think she would have known that my baby died 4.5 months ago? HA.. how strange that she did not have that 'little' tidbit of information. We went through most of the call, she confirmed that I had 2 pregnancies before this... the most recent, a boy in September. Yes, correct. Later she asked about my symptoms. I told her I had nausea, with some vomiting.. she was suggesting taking B6 and umison or something for morning sickness.. to which I said I didn't need, I rather like my symptoms, it makes me feel like things are happening.. and as long as I can care for my 3 year old, I'd be just fine puking once a day or so... she says, Yeah.. AND the baby! ummm my baby died. She felt really bad for not knowing.. I feel like my chart should be highlighted or something.. BIG WORDS... THIS WOMAN HAD A FULL TERM LOSS written at the top! Lucky for her, I'm not one of the poor women who would be devastated by her not knowing, and break down crying at my retelling of the tragic end of my last pregnancy. She also asks questions about depression.. one of them was I have been so upset that I cry? I said, occasionally.. because yeah.. my kid DID die 4 months ago.. am I allowed to STILL be sad about it!? AND even shed a tear about it?? But still, just so you all know, I only scored a 6 on the 'depression' quiz.. so I guess I'm not depressed! haha Like I didn't know that.. I'm honest with myself. The other questions I always think are strange.. are the ones asking if you're afraid in your home? Do people hit you? ummm IF they did, would I actually answer that?? Today, I said.. yes.. my mom did a long time ago! ;)
I've also signed up for a study at the hospital. It's a study on the growth of your baby. I think it's very interesting.. and esp. since 'they say' that when you have pregnancies back to back, like I am right now.. your next baby tends to be smaller. So, I'd like to keep an eye on that too. The REAL reason I want to do the study is because I will get to SEE the baby more often. I have my first visit on Feb. 12th. They will do an ultrasound at each of the 5 visits to get measurements on the baby. The first one they will also rule out twins! If we've got twins, then we aren't eligible for the study. You also get free parking, AND a 10$ target gift card for each visit. They allow guests to come to the ultrasounds too.. so if anyone wants to get a glimpse of the baby, let me know... and they give you pictures too! :) The old me wouldn't have done this at all.. I would never want that many ultrasounds.. but I think I will require more reassurance and it will make me feel good that many different people will be checking in on my baby. :)
So that's that.. nothing too crazy or exciting. I could use a nap though. yaaaaaawn!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Oh my god!

Did I just have a craving?!! So for the past several HOURS I've been dying for LEMON CAKE! now, I just remembered why.. I usually never turn the tv on during the day (well, not for myself.. Gwen watches things, but never me) today, I felt like watching the cooking channel while eating my leftover millet stuffed portabellos - MMMMMMM for lunch. Paula Dean was on and made a lemon cake. That got it going, so I guess around noon!? Fast forward to 7 p.m. We'd just eaten lentil tacos for dinner.. and I tell Shaun, i should go to the store and by lemons, so I can make this awesome lemon bundt cake that his mom makes. But then I lazily decide that I don't want to go to the store - BESIDES the lemon bundt cake takes an hour just to COOK! AHHH I want lemony cake like 7 HOURS ago - not 3 hours from now! So, I find a recipe for white cake that I made for gwen's birthday last year, and think.. I can just add some REALEMON juice to that, then whip together some buttercream frosting again with lemon juice.. and F'in waallllllllaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!! Lemony goodness.. and it was in all 3 of our bellies within 35 minutes! :)
So, I dunno... was that a craving? I think I might have died without that lemon-ness. Welllll probably not, but I'm sure glad I had all the fixings to make some yummy cupcakes! :) Even though, now I feel like I might puke.... ugggghhh! (but I kinda want one more cupcake too!)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dreams from Dresden's journal

I read Dresden's journal from time to time.. I've noticed quite a few bad dreams I had during my pregnancy with him. I'd like to share them here. I'll write exactly what was in my journal.

So, I had a horrible dream last night. We went on vacation and I had some brown spotting with little leaves in it (3-4 months pregnant) I went to the hospital and they did a c-section. I held our baby boy while he was still attached and he was so beautiful. The doctor said, ah, I see the problem! his mouth is not what we'd call normal (it looked normal to me) and his ears are not normal either (also looked normal to me) So, I let Shaun hold him and just cried and cried because I knew when they cut the cord he would die, because he was too young to survive on his own. It was so horribly sad :(

I had a dream last night that I had an ultrasound and the baby was there with a heartbeat! That was really nice after the last dream I had!

I had a strange somewhat horrible dream! I had a miscarriage and I noticed a clot in the tub, pulled it out and it was a tiny baby in a sac. I took it to show Shaun and it was bigger (two hands size)so I was holding it and "he" was alive and very beautiful!! Shaun put pajamas and a diaper on him and I said, OH! Since you put a diaper on, is it a boy? Shaun said he couldn't tell yet. Then I told him to call the doctor because I thought the baby could live (even though is was so early to be born) Shaun said he thought there would be too many issues and didn't' want to call. That's why the dream was more strange to me. It wasn't really scary or sad, because the baby was alive.

I had a dream that I had some spotting and then tried to find the babes heartbeat but couldn't. :( Luckily I do NOT have prophetic dreams and when I busted out the doppler (after a dream like that it's a must!) found the heartbeat and was happy! :)

So there they are.. I don't remember having dreams like that with Gwen. I haven't had any baby dreams at all so far with this one. If I do, I sure hope they aren't the bad ones!

Life with 3 year old..

me to Gwen: Honey is so good (Gwen has been digging honey lately, wanting it on her finger all the time!)
Gwen: NO!!! - very angry face.. how could I suggest that honey is good!?!
me: Did you have fun sledding today??
Gwen: NO!!! - very angry face.. how dare you suggest that my laughter indicated having a good time?!!?!
me: Do you love momma?
Gwen: NO!!! - very angry face.. me? love the woman who gave me life!!?! HA!
me: Little Einsteins is the best show! (she LOVES it!)
Gwen: NO!!! - very angry face.. that shows for losers!!?!

So, this is life with a 3 year old.. they disagree, JUST BECAUSE they have that power... oh fun days ahead! All she says is NO... the rest are just things I assume she's thinking! haha How long does this stage go on for?? I actually missed out on the usual stage of just talking tots, when they say no about everything.. she skipped that, and I was so happy! But here we are... making up for lost No's, I guess. I find it all rather amusing, actually. :)


Went sledding today with my mom, Nick and the kids.. here are some pictures from our fun times!Mom after falling trying to save Kailey! :)
Mom and Gwen happily sledding down the hill!

Ninjas Nick and Kailey go down a big hill

Alexis loves sledding!

Jordan loves it too!

Pink ninja Kailey covered from head to toasty toe!

6 weeks

Sunday, January 18, 2009

This drink...

It keeps staring me in the face.. each time I open the fridge. It's been there since late August, when I started getting those first contractions. I bought a couple of gatorades, since I knew labor would be strong, intense and I'd need a high electrolyte drink to maintain the energy to push that baby out! I drank the other bottle on that Monday.. the one where I was trying to get Dresden to move. What better way, than to drink a bottle of sugar, right? I'll keep that in mind during the later months of this pregnancy, when I freak out because the baby hasn't moved in 5 whole minutes!! Anyway, what in the heck to do with this bottle? I don't feel like I want to drink it. I don't want anyone else drinking it either. I don't want to throw it out. I certainly don't want to save it for the rest of my life... so what to do?? hmmm okay, while writing this I maybe came up with an idea. We'll be planting an apple tree this spring in our backyard as a sort of living memorial to Dresden. An early September producer, planted with some of his ashes and various little gifts we've been given in honor of him. I wonder if I could pour it over the soil... or would gatorade kill the poor tree??

A concert today

We took Gwen to a Justin Roberts concert today! (never mind the fact that I've LOVED this children's music since waaaaaaay before I ever had children! hehe so maybe it was actually 'me' we took to the concert!) The only problem with a kids concert is that 'normal' kids usually wake up early, and have lunch, and naps at a predictable hour - Gwen likes to sleep in til about 10 and doesn't take naps, so a 2pm performance would work beautifully for US.. but this one was at 11am, in Ann Arbor, so I actually had to wake Shaun and Gwen up for the event, and rush us all out of the house. I was a little concerned as we waited in line outside the Ark, that there wouldn't be any tickets left.. but there were, and we had a super awesome time!! I love that all the parents there with their kids were bopping and singing along just as happy as the kids to be there! :) Here is a link to his website and the first song I ever loved! Willy was a Whale!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

libary storytime

We went to library story time, the new session started today after a couple month break. There was a mom there that I haven't seen since August.. someone I've chatted to a few times at the park after storytime.. she asked, Where is your other little one? So, I told her what happened, and showed her Dresden's picture.. it's so strange, because as soon as I saw her, I KNEW she would be wondering where the baby was.. so I anticipated the question, but it still knocks me on my butt to hear it... it's like I can't prepare myself enough. But it always feels good to talk about him.. and another lady who was there made a comment, like well, I hope you can try again in the future.. and so I told them that I was 5 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy after loss is such a positive thing.. I mean, it proves to the world that you can suffer the worst possible tragedy and still survive! I think that makes everyone feel beautiful joy! :) For me.. there is nothing sweeter than hearing about one of my fellow loss momma's getting pregnant again!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

5 weeks pregnant

Well, another week has passed. I think I'm still pregnant.. it's always weird this early on, because it's not like you really have any clue whats going on inside that uterus of yours! I sure wish there was a window to the uterus.. how wonderful would that be!? OH LOOK.. the beans heart started beating - YAY! Or.. oh no, something is wrong with the baby.. better get to the doc! Ah, we all want what we can't have.. but seriously a perfect design would have included a see through belly for us crazed momma's! I've got some symptoms, nothing crazy - lots of spit today, sensitivity to smells.. a bit of nausea, but no throwing up. Typical 5 week symptoms, I guess. I made my first appointments today. A doctor in Canton at a U of M clinic.. I have to wait like 5 more weeks for that appt! I have a phone appt with the nurse in a couple of weeks.. I asked the nurse if the doc would do an ultrasound on that first appt (February 20th - ironically the SAME day as my first appt with Dresden, the first time I got to see his cute little alien body!) SO CUTE----------------------------------------------------------->>
I'm actually amazed at how calm I am about this pregnancy. The journals of my 2 other pregnancies in the early days, I'm always paranoid.. I thought this one would be WORSE.. but so far, it's better! I'm not saying I have no paranoid feelings.. but they aren't as strong. I KNOW I can handle anything, maybe that adds to my comfort? I can't promise to feel this way 6 months from now.. but for this moment, it feels pretty good! BUT as you can see from the above picture.. I AM obsessed with pregnancy tests.. but I haven't taken one since 1/6- so it's been a while.. I kind of want to take another one just to make sure it's still got two lines.. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I'm trying to control my urges.. otherwise, I'll end up in peestick anonymous... Hello, I'm Shannon.. and I like to pee on stuff! HI SHANNON! haha Well, that's all the blabbin' I've got for now.. peace out!


Gwen was just giving me kisses and hugs and then she lifted up my shirt and said, "I need to give my baby brother a big kiss" and then she did!
Now, she does not know about this pregnancy yet, and I hope to keep that info from her for a bit.. it's a long time to wait for a 3 year old.. and she's already been waiting over a year. (it's a long time to wait for a 30 year old too!)
AND.. she doesn't call Dresden "baby brother" she calls him "baby Dresden"
It was a really lovely moment! :)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I'm making something...

So, my friend Melissa crocheted a scarf for Gwen recently.. and I thougth it was SO cool! I forgot the fact that my mother in law crochets, and also that my step dad's mom taught me how to do a chain a looooooooong time ago.. anyway, when I was at Melissa's she was teaching me how to start out, and I felt really interested! I have tried knitting - still have the 3x12 inches of blanket that I started when I got pregnant with GWEN! haha Still attached to the needle in fact! That's how good at knitting I got! Shaun bought me a crochet set for Christmas.. and I finally started playing with it. Shaun's mom gave us both a little lesson a few days ago (Shaun gets a lesson too, so when I forget how to do it, he can re-teach me!), and so I practiced a bit with that.. then turned to youtube for some further instruction. I found a "how to make a beanie" video and decided to go for it! Wanna see pics!! It's not done yet, I think I want it to fit Gwen.. but right now it's the same size hat as the one Dresden wore in the hospital. :)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

A moment

I had a moment last night of actual excitement about the baby growing inside me.. the little rice size embryo that won't even have a beating heart for at least another few days.. picturing holding this baby in my arms, this living, crying baby, coming home to a celebration with balloons (not sure why the balloons were there?? I totally would NOT get balloons! haha) and it was such a lovely thought. But then of course, i wanted to smack myself in the head - 'snap out of it stupid! YOU don't even know if this baby is alive RIGHT NOW, let alone 8 months from now!' But then I want to smack the pessimist out of me.. I WILL bring a baby home!! ........ i hope...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Sweet baby boy

Dresden would have turned 4 months old today. Time is still strange, I wonder if it will ever be normal again? So fast, but so slow at the same time? What would he be doing now? Laughing for sure! Probably finding great amusement from his big sister. getting more of that sweet baby personality, perhaps trying some avocado? Sitting? Rolling over? crying because of teething pain? Growing in ways, I just can't fully grasp, since he's not here. There is still such a huge part of me that wants to SCREAM - NOT FAIR! I need my baby back, I miss him, I love him.

I finally am feeling more ready to 'share' him with others. We printed his pictures recently, and gave them out to our family. We have a beautiful frame that says "sweet dreams" with his picture in our family room, and I feel so happy that he's there. Here is a picture of our sweet Dresden. I wish I had hundreds of pictures to share with the world.. when you lose your baby, you really never have enough of anything.. if I had a thousand pictures, I'd wish for just one more. Never enough time or mementos when someone you love leaves you.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Well, well, well..

I'm pregnant.

Wow! I can barely believe it either! It's very early, 14 days past ovulation - so 4 weeks pregnant by the medical world standards. I've been testing every day for a week, because I just needed to know the first possible minute I could (thank goodness for the dollar tree pregnancy tests!!)! We got the super faint positive test 2 days ago, the day before our positive last year with Dresden. Strange in many ways is that this pregnancy (if it sticks! TRYING to be optimistic, but I think there is a natural mental protection thing that will be going on through this pregnancy too) follows Dresden's time line exactly (down to me getting drunk a few days before at the Moitozo's xmas party!haha). I chart my temperatures, so I know all of the details surrounding all 3 of my pregnancies. I feel like my body purposely waited until December 23rd to ovulate - THE same day as with Dresden. We were originally planning to avoid the same due date, but I feel like it's kind of special that they are due on the same day. This baby will very likely be born in August (due date is September 15 - but I should have the planned cesarean 3ish weeks early) anyway - I will never be 39 weeks pregnant again! How lovely it will be if we are holding new life in our arms on Dresden's 1st birthday. The thought actually warms my heart quite a bit.

You may think it's strange to tell the world so soon.. some people wait months to tell. Shaun and I have HUGE mouths though, and that would never work for us. We told everyone instantly with our last two pregnancies, and figure why should this one be any different? Especially because I feel like anyone who knows us, realizes as much as WE do that pregnancy does not always go as planned... sometimes you don't get to bring a baby home with you at the end. This pregnancy might last 5 weeks, or 15 weeks, or 37.. and I plan to enjoy every minute I have with this baby, if our time is cut short, I can at least cherish the time we had together. We realize now, more than ever that we are offered no guarantees in the game called life.. so while we have this great news, we'll share it! :)
Here is last nights test! A nice solid line there! :)

Hoping that 2009 is a better year for all of us!

Monday, January 5, 2009

blood results

I called for my lab results from a few weeks ago today. They said that my homocysteine level is 8 (normal is 5-15) So, well within normal range... it looks like I am not at any increased risk for blood clots. So that is good news! The nurse is passing on the info to the doctor who ordered the tests, so who knows, maybe she'll call with more info? I found this informative website about MTHFR - which I tested heterozygous for, and why they wanted to get a fasting homocysteine level. This doctor says that the important thing is the homocysteine levels being within the normal range, since almost HALF of the population is heterozygous (isn't that a funny word?) it's really no big deal. Also the fact that the doctor wasn't even going to test my blood until another doctor suggested that she did, because it's hard to swallow a seemingly perfect pregnancy, baby, placenta and cord with no cause of death! She said that usually women with clotting disorders have small babies too, and Dresden was certainly not small at 8lb 10z! I'm glad they tested though, I'll take any test to ease even a small portion of my mind!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Another anniversary

This time to the lovely invention I call a pee test (pregnancy tests)! One year ago I took the test that would change my life FOREVER! I thought at the time, it would be changed in only the very best ways.. never thought I'd be where I am at this very moment. I still have those tests (yes test(s) I am quite obsessive and love peeing on stuff!!).. the two lines looking beautifully.. but instead of going in Dresden's scrapbook, they are resting in his memory box. Some folks might think it's 'gross' to keep a little cartridge full of urine! hmmm well, I suppose maybe you're right! haha BUT, I for one am grateful of that little urine filled bundle. Cause' let me tell ya - when your baby dies, you don't have a whole hell of a lot to cling onto, and every little bit helps!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Happy Birthday Gwennie!

Our New Year baby turned 3! I can hardly believe how quickly those years have gone by, she's grown up so much - it's hard to believe that 3 years ago all she did was nurse, sleep, nurse, nurse and nurse! ;) Now... there isn't much that she CAN'T do! I'm amazed every single day, and so grateful to be Gwen's momma! Here are some pictures from her birthday. She wanted a dragon cake, so daddy did the decorating for that! She opened lots and lots of gifts, and had a couple of wardrobe changes while opening them!

Gwen singing Happy Birthday to herself before the rest of us sang to her!

Cake tasters!

The masterpiece!

Leo from Little Einsteins should not have been trying to steal the dragon's gold!