Monday, February 9, 2009

5 Months

Well, here we are, another month gone.. a month further away from when Dresden was warm and cozy inside me. Shaun made a comment yesterday at the park that if he was here, we wouldn't have been at the park (too cold!) I said, sure we could have.. he'd have been warm and snug against mommas body in his sling! I would have worn my winter coat to keep him even warmer! :) I'm discovering that even though I thought that babies around his age would be a painful reminder of him, and what he would be doing, how big he would be and all those things, that it's not really working that way. I have to be honest, I still don't LOVE being around babies.. I don't hate it, it doesn't dig into my soul the way you might imagine... I just feel a little off, that's all... and sad that I don't enjoy babies like I used to, or would have if Dresden was with me too. Maybe one day, I'll be me again, or some more normal version of me... i doubt I'll ever be the exact same me that I was on September 7th.. but I feel like I'm doing well considering the circumstances. I feel like Shaun is doing well too.. I think we both want Dresden's life to be a positive experience for our family, and so we work at that. I can tell you that even after 5 months - and probably after 5 years, or 50... that my son is never far from my mind or my heart. He is and will always be very special to me. I miss him so much. Here is a little poem I wrote in December. I still write in Dresden's pregnancy journal.. sometimes poems, thoughts, dreams..
Were you ever really mine
Did our heartbeats once entwine?
I felt you move within me
I wasn't given enough time
The plans we made for you
the future we set in play
all but vanished on that fateful day
With us such a short time, my heart is broken still
I've barely any memories, and most that time will kill
Missing you is easy, not holding you is hard
Part of me will always long for you baby,
my sweet baby, but were you ever really mine?