The proper way to make a PB&J

Gwen requested a PB&J sandwich for lunch... I happily obliged. Gwen said, Thank you momma, as I walked in with her sandwich... until she SAW it! It was NOT RIGHT! whoops... umm, sorry?? I'm pretty sure it's how I've always done it.. so she refuses to eat it, "that's not what I asked for" So, I have her come to the kitchen with me, to make a sandwich by herself so I can learn the ways of the 3 year old chef! She spreads the peanut butter, jelly until just perfect. I ask if she wants it folded? NO, not like that! just open, maybe? NO! It needs another piece of bread ON TOP! ????? I'm confused, I don't think she's ever had a whole sandwich.. but yes, that is the proper way to make a PB&J! Now, I just wonder if she'll eat it all!? and yes.. she changes from her clothes into her PJ's various times a day... sometimes she even throws on her bathing suit! Strange kiddo! :)

Hi Bebe!

That is the name of the fetal heart doppler I ordered that arrived today! When I first got it, I gave it a try.. and could not find the baby. :( Of course, icky thoughts DID enter my mind for a moment.. BUT, then I do know that it isn't uncommon to not hear heart tones at 11 weeks.. 12-13 weeks is usually a better time (which is why the OB didn't even attempt to listen with the doppler and went straight for the ultrasound) and the fact that this is only a 100 dollar doppler, when the one I rented before cost like 500 to buy. I figured I would not bother hearing the baby again for another week .. but then Shaun, Gwen and I were playing with it, listening to our own heartbeats and looking at the rates, and before I put it away, I asked Shaun if he wanted to try to find the baby?? He said, heck yeah I do!! And after like a minute - HE DID! So, there you go.. don't worry, I won't be using this thing every day or anything! I'm sure it's pretty annoying to the baby.. but it will be oh so nice, on those later weeks when he's having a quiet day to help ease my mind. He wasn't able to catch babe long enough to get the heart rate though.. perhaps next time! :)

Fetus!!

Yay!! We have a fetus!! I felt pretty good yesterday. Had some energy, and just a touch of nausea in the morning! But today, I woke up to pee at 630 and can NOT fall back asleep... as soon as I finish this post, I'll be heading back to bed.

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/11-weeks-pregnant.html
http://www.womenshealthcaretopics.com/pregnancy_week_11.htm

YAY!!

So, I've been dealing with insurance/u of m billing issues for almost a year regarding Dresden's 2nd trimester ultrasound! (April 08!!) I've been trying to get this worked out for months. The absolute worst part was getting home from the hospital after having Dresden and for some reason, I checked the mail.. inside was a collection agency letter about part of the ultrasound! (I was being billed for the ultrasound AND the doctor who looked at the ultrasound separately!) So, on top of the grief and shock of our childs death, we get hit with our FIRST EVER (and only) collection agency notice! We were obviously infuriated. Shaun called the place who sent the bill BACK to the hospital... and ever since then (nearly 6 months ago) we have been trying to get things figured out. FINALLY TODAY! I wake up to find an email from Aetna, saying that the ultrasound has been paid. (I'd been sending them messages all last week) AND then an email from one of the midwives, saying this - "It has prompted a discussion between radiology and those of us who order the ultrasounds so that we have more control over the process by changing the requisition forms for ordering the procedures." AND finally a call from the U of M billing people apologizing for how long this has taken, but to be assured that everything is being handled. YAAAAAHOOOOO!!! I seriously was getting ready to just cough up the 700+ bucks, because it was causing me such a great deal of stress... and it'd been going on TOO LONG! I'm so happy that it's finally cleared up.. and that I am no longer part of a collections process! :) ALSO, I'm glad that my issue seems to have prompted some changes within the hospital billing. Now hopefully this doesn't happen THIS time!! But since I'm considered high risk, I should be allowed to have lots more testing that the insurance will have to cover with no complaints!

Oh glorious vitamix..

How I love thee! I just made mixed nut butter (with a few cranberries) from our can of snack mix! It came out so yummy!! Why did I do this? Well, I was supposed to go to Trader Joes last week.. it's the ONLY place I buy peanut butter (the natural peanut butter is so easy to spread and it's JUST peanuts! and it's CHEAP!!) and ketchup (I'm in love with the ketchup!!) and I've been dying for some no bake cookies.. you know, the ones with oats and WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR (but healthy, because it's got oats!)!! So, I've got everything, but no peanut butter. ding ding, an idea! Vitamix can make delicious nut butters in just a minute (from the infomercial, no doubt!) with no added crap! Hey, my recipe needed peanut butter, and I NEEDED to make that recipe... so I did it!! It was so easy, and Shaun said, I guess we don't need to buy peanut butter anymore! ;) AND the cookies came out beautifully!! MMM! Going to eat one more! :)

First OB appointment

I had my first prenatal appointment today. It went really well! I liked the doctor.. the nurse was also really nice, and everything was SO on time! By the time I peed in a cup and went back to my room.. the doctor was already there, waiting for ME! He was very kind and understanding about my fears. I felt at ease with him. I've actually never had a man doctor before, so I thought it might be weird, but it wasn't. He did an ultrasound in his office, which of course was the hightlight of the appt! I didn't cry this time, cause I really just wanted to SEE the baby.... and that I did!! WOW, what a difference a week makes! The blob is a mini baby... I saw 'his' foot, arms, he was moving around! The nurse said, LOOK! It looks like it's sucking it thumb already! I wasn't expecting pictures, since it was an in office ultrasound... but then the nurse handed the pics to me!! YAY!! I swear the doctor and nurse were as excited as I was about seeing the cute little babe wiggling around in there! :) I called Shaun when I left, and he was really bummed that he didn't go to the appt when I told him how much the baby was moving, and seeing such details! Here are 3 of todays pics! Enjoy!! :)

Finally a vacation!

We've been really needing a vacation since Dresden died. We talked about it a bit in September/October, but just never did it. I don't think it was the right time. I think we needed to be home, and learn to live without the baby we were supposed to have, before trying to escape. Well, now IS the right time! Shaun found out that he gets 5 free days off when/if the baby is born from work. Since he wants to take 2 full weeks off, that means he only has to use 3-4 days of vacation (since his time off will (SHOULD) incorporate Labor day). Sooooo, we are driving down to Myrtle Beach! We have a 'condo' hotel with a bedroom, living room, kitchen and most importantly - ocean front balcony!! The average temp there in March is 68, which is perfect comfortable weather. We are planning to go on a dolphin watching cruise, hiking in a state park (where we may get to see some gators!!) relaxing on the beach, dipping our feet in the chilly water.(since it's cold.. but even if it was warm, I'm scared of sharks!! so it'd probably still just be knee deep!) hehe There are multiple pools, including a children's pool at our hotel - the outdoor ones are open and heated too. I'm really excited.. and even more excited that we don't have to wait too long! This is my kind of vacation planning - QUICK turnaround!! :)

I should have known...

When she came to me last week and said, I cut my bears hair!! Full of excitement, holding a little purple chunk in her hand. I, of course, gave her the spiel (is that the right spelling?? hmm) about only cutting paper (she has dull kid scissors that she likes to cut with). Then this morning, she comes to me holding "baby Dresden" who is really a cinderella doll from Aunt Ruthie, and a nice curl from cinderellas lushious blond hair! So, I tell her once again all about what we use scissors for and blah blah.. one more chance.. I warn her that if she uses the scissors for anything other than paper one more time.. I'll put them up where she can't reach them. So fast forward to the evening.. Gwen runs and hides.. next to me on our bed...as Shaun comes to our room, holding a piece of hair.. REAL HAIR! Gwen's hair! I try to figure out where it came from, luckily it's not obvious... esp. since she doesn't have much hair to spare! Hey, on the bright side, I thought we wouldn't get to use the sweet little lock of hair heart box from Aunt Jeanene for 5 more years!! We got to use it today.. Gwen's first curl. :)
And now, off to put those scissors up!

10 weeks

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/10-weeks-pregnant.html

How cool!

Shaun and I spent so much of our time during my pregnancy with Dresden looking at street signs.. every time we'd pass one I'd say, how bout that for a name? Even if it was totally obnoxious! So, how insane it was when I heard from my friend Beth about a street named Dresden.. Thanks Beth for being so thoughtful and capturing photo's of Dresden's street! It's always cool to see your kid's name spelled out somewhere that you'd never expect! Thank you Beth!!! You really made my day :) Pretty nifty shots for a cell phone, eh?! I love the blue sky in the background.

Cranbrook

We took Gwen to Cranbrook on Sunday. We've been wanting to go here for months, so we finally did! We decided to get a membership, since it covers lots of other museums (detroit science center, hands on museum, natural history in chicago and 270 others around the states!) So, we get there and a woman comes up and asks if we have a pass to get in.. I say, No.. and she says, well, here... it gets 2 people in for free!! WOW! Thanks!! :) So, we decide to use that instead, figuring we can get a membership next time! The worker says, Oh, you can take 18 dollars off a membership with this today! WHA?! Well, heck yes, we'll do that! :) So, we paid 42 instead of 60! sweet!! We wanted to see the bat show that they have there, but it was all sold out. :( Oh well, still lots to see! Here are some pictures from our day. Gwen's favorite part was dressing up like a dinosaur at the special dino exhibit!

It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!

And it's a blob! BUT.. a blob with a heartbeat! :) Seriously an emotionally draining day, even though I've been having such positive thoughts the whole time, 3 days ago, I started feeling the negative vibes coming on.. whispering in my ear... dead baby dead baby! AHHH! Or- no baby! I don't know which was worse... I was going to be pretty pissed, since I have been feeling like crapola for the past month if the baby was not alive though! So, first of all.. I'm 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was NOT told to drink a gallon (or what feels like a gallon) of water before this appointment. This led me to believe that they would be doing the (oh so scary- and scarier cause ive never had one!) transvaginal ultrasound! (see, it even SOUNDS scary!) So, I get in the room.. and I'm literally shaking (because of nerves and not the transvaginal thing)! Then, I'm expecting them to leave while I put on a gown or something.. but they don't. She just says, pull your pants down to the middle of your hips (sorry this is way too much info, I know.. but I'm into over sharing! soooo..) She puts the ultrasound wand on my belly... I'm scared to look, but decide that I can handle it and look! Instantly I say - there's no heartbeat.. with no hope at all in my voice... I see an image that could be a baby and no movement.. I assume the worst - naturally. The lady says, wwaaaaaaaitt a minute.. I'm not even there yet! oh.. Then THERE... and I completely lost it, that little heart flickering away! I had no idea that I would break down into a sobbing mess, but it was nothing I could control.. I bawled (which I'm sure was annoying for the ultrasound lady.. since how do you do your job while someone is jiggling all about!?) The study lady was in there too.. and she said can you let them hear it!? and she did!! It was a most beautiful sound.. 182 beats per minute of pure bliss! She said the baby was measuring right on! I don't know what I expected.. I would have been more shocked if there was no baby, what with all the puking and sleeping.. but for some reason I feel shocked that there IS a baby... it's the strangest feeling. Here are some pictures of our blob.. I seriously have NO idea what any of these are of.. I wasn't going to add them, but Shaun thinks, blob or not.. we should! sooo here you go!!

60 degrees!! YES!

I love spring.. or, umm well I guess I should say spring type weather.. since we are still quite a ways from spring's official beginning. We spent a good part of the day enjoying the weather outside. We went to the green park in the early afternoon, and heritage park for a walk later, then BACK to the green park, since daddy came home a little early to play with Gwen before dark! :) What an awesome day!! Here are some pictures!

Gwen ponders our day at the park..

I love this pic of her coming out of the tube slide.. even though I cut off the top of her head!
So happy to be swinging!

look at her climb! even with big cloddy boots!

Yay!

I puked! I knew you'd be excited! ;)

9 Weeks

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/9-weeks-pregnant.html

Another week closer to the 'prize' although, I must say that I've been feeling some nerves kick in the past few days. I swear I didn't feel as nauseous yesterday and while you may think- GREAT NEWS! I think ... crap... I need my symptoms for proof. Of course we'll have the real proof in 2 days. The ultrasound.. I'm freaky about that too..it's taking place at U of M, and we all know what happened during my last ultrasound there... less than ideal! (ohh ohh, I just got a wave of nausea! From the baby, or because I'm scared!?) I've set myself up for two options for Thursday..
a) a happy alien baby jumping, dancing and flipping all about!! Happy day!
b) a sad empty uterus... which will lead to all kinds of other crap, like ummm WhereTF is the baby? 8 pregnancy tests don't lie! and then the whole starting from scratch thing.. except with no menstural cycles! AHHHHH I bet a bottle or two of wine would get things moving! hhahhaa
I told shaun these fears yesterday and he said.. that's sounding kind of negative.. well, yes I guess it is.. BUT I reminded him that positive thinking does not make a live baby! I am still mostly positive, but I think maybe I'm preparing my mind for the worst. I know that I can not will any baby to live. AND I don't think I'm being negative, I think I'm being a realist ;) You can't have something so horrible happen to you and not be realistic, I think... sooooooo I'll wait til Thursday and hopefully have reason for celebration (with NO wine!)!! :)

5 Months

Well, here we are, another month gone.. a month further away from when Dresden was warm and cozy inside me. Shaun made a comment yesterday at the park that if he was here, we wouldn't have been at the park (too cold!) I said, sure we could have.. he'd have been warm and snug against mommas body in his sling! I would have worn my winter coat to keep him even warmer! :) I'm discovering that even though I thought that babies around his age would be a painful reminder of him, and what he would be doing, how big he would be and all those things, that it's not really working that way. I have to be honest, I still don't LOVE being around babies.. I don't hate it, it doesn't dig into my soul the way you might imagine... I just feel a little off, that's all... and sad that I don't enjoy babies like I used to, or would have if Dresden was with me too. Maybe one day, I'll be me again, or some more normal version of me... i doubt I'll ever be the exact same me that I was on September 7th.. but I feel like I'm doing well considering the circumstances. I feel like Shaun is doing well too.. I think we both want Dresden's life to be a positive experience for our family, and so we work at that. I can tell you that even after 5 months - and probably after 5 years, or 50... that my son is never far from my mind or my heart. He is and will always be very special to me. I miss him so much. Here is a little poem I wrote in December. I still write in Dresden's pregnancy journal.. sometimes poems, thoughts, dreams..

Were you ever really mine

Did our heartbeats once entwine?

I felt you move within me

I wasn't given enough time

The plans we made for you

the future we set in play

all but vanished on that fateful day

With us such a short time, my heart is broken still

I've barely any memories, and most that time will kill

Missing you is easy, not holding you is hard

Part of me will always long for you baby,

my sweet baby, but were you ever really mine?

"Warm" winter days!

Yes, I think 47 is warm! haha So warm infact that we went to the park the last two days! :) Yesterday was warmer than today - 47.. but bitterly windy! We were going to take a walk before the park, but didn't really dress for the weather. See, I'm usually in a hooded sweatshirt, no matter how cold it is (I wear a winter coat if I'm going to be outside for long periods) and yesterday it felt so warm after I finished at the rec center, that I dressed Gwen accordinly.. and because of that, we didn't stay out too long.. maybe a half hour... plus the park was TOTALLY soaked, and Shaun and I in our tennis shoes were no match for the monster puddles! Shaun also got stuck in the tubey slide! haha He says, it's because of the cold sticky conditions! ;) Today was only 43, but the sun was shining and not much wind! So, we went to the 'green' park (that's what Gwen calls it.. the park that we hung out at most after Dresden died (but strangely a comforting place for us) and we played and played for over an hour! Gwen got to stick her feet in the mud! (can't believe I didnt' have a camera!! DOH!!) She fell off the tire swing, played in the 'leaf house' (a little wooden house full of leaves, so Gwen named it the leaf house), Gwen took our order at a drive through window.. Shaun ordered tacos and burritos, but Gwen said we don't have tacos and burritos, we have fries and tomatoes! HAHA So, we ordered that instead.. I complained that the fries were cold, and she didn't know what to do about that! haahaha
So, we had a great day! Next time I'll remember my camera! :)

Wedding Pictures

Just a few pictures from our wedding! :) October 20, 2001!

A couple pictures

Gwen loves juicing carrots and apples! YUM!

The sleeping beauties! so snuggly! :)

Article on stillbirth in newsweek

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572/page/1

8 weeks

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/8-weeks-pregnant.html

So, here we are again.. another week gone 29-30 left to go! I have been feeling quite crappy for the past week! Throwing up 2ish times a day, feeling queasy, tired.. yaaaaaaawn! Yesterday I mustered up enough energy to actually do some cleaning. That felt nice, of course it took nearly all day long to finish! Not too much else to report. I'm feeling pretty positive about the pregnancy, I feel like the outcome will be ideal and happy! I'm even letting myself think about the future with this baby in it.. it feels good to be able to do that.. I didn't think it would be possible for me to put any trust in a pregnancy again, but so far so good. We'll have an ultrasound next Thursday- the 12th and (fingers crossed) we'll get to see a spunky little alien baby moving happily inside. :)

Stillbirth and Taxes

Well, I did our taxes yesterday. Before I filed, I thought, I should investigate to see if parents of stillborn babes get any 'special' gifts! HA! It turns out that in 2006, Granholm did indeed put a stillbirth credit for us Michiganders into play. A nice gesture, I suppose (and apparently one that other states don't have, so a very nice gesture indeed). BUT.. it's a whopping 160 bucks - so almost insulting, in my opinion..Oh, your baby died.. hmmm here have 160.. you can buy yourself a nice.. ummm... uhh... breast pump? The other thing, and the thing that I'm kind of upset about is that to file for this credit, you can NOT e-file. AND you have to attach a copy of the stillbirth certificate (do people LIE and say they have a dead baby, so they can get that huge credit or what?)... excuse me? the WHAT? Funny.. I was one of the 12 women PER YEAR (the midwife told us that they see on average 1 stillbirth a month at U of M!) that this happened to at U of M... and they didn't mention that somewhere out there is a certificate!? I remember feeling so shitty that they never brought me a birth certificate to sign.. it was such a slap in the face! MY SON WAS STILL BORN! Then I remembered the writing at the top, "certificate of LIVE birth" and I knew that certificate would never come. But they never had us fill out anything.. so I wonder if we even have this stillbirth certificate on file in Lansing? I'm going to order a couple of copies, just because I want to have them.. one more tangible item of Dresden.
I did not type in two dependents just to see what my federal return SHOULD have been.. I did last year, when i was counting my chickens before they hatched.. but I didn't do that to myself. I really think the federal government needs to do something for US! If Dresden had taken a single breath outside of my body, HE would have counted as a HUMAN BEING! I still took care of him for 9 months, We planned for him, bought things for him, like every other family that got to bring their babies home, and then had to pay for his cremation, his urns.. things parents SHOULD NEVER have to pay for.. and we don't even get a document that says he was HERE?! How about a 1 time tax deduction people? He was with us for nearly all of 2008! He was alive, he was here (I held him, felt him wiggle and hiccup inside of me.. very ALIVE and Real!) and he always will be, in the hearts of all that love him.
The end of the long winded whiney message.... sheesh!