morning observations by Gwen

We wake up this morning. Have a nice snuggle. A fun tickle. Always great conversations! MAN! Do I love our family bed!! :)
Gwen: Ears are for hearing.
Me: Yep and what's a mouth for?
Gwen: Nose is for smelling things.
Gwen: Mouth is for biting.
Me: Yep, and also for tasting and talking!
Gwen: and you can scream loudly at YOUR house but NOT at grandma and grandpas house!
Me: (waking Shaun and laughing my butt off!) Yep, that's right! It's like jumping on the bed.. you can do that at your house but NOT at Gram and Gramps house... Yep, she 'gets' it!

Happy Anniversary to my ovaries

Yep, that's right! I'm wishing a Happy anniversary to my little egg releasers! For today is the day 1 year ago that I ovulated and Dresden was conceived. It's all about being in the right place at the right time.
Here is Gwen giving her baby bro some love in August! :)

Acts of Kindness

Last night after leaving Christmas at Ma and Papa's house we came home.. to our snowy driveway. I got a bit stuck while pulling in, and then eventually was able to back out and try again.. success! We were in the house for maybe 10 minutes when I see a person walking in the driveway and snow blowing all about! A closer look showed that yes.. someone was snow blowing our driveway! Not a dainty task.. I mean, most of you reading this know our driveway is pretty HUGE! Shaun went out to talk to the person, who turned out to be our neighbor across the street. And he told her, that she didn't need to do that, and tried to talk her out of being so nice - but she continued anyway! I know I keep saying here how I am just in awe at the kindness others have shown us in the past 3 months. I don't even think our neighbor knows about Dresden.. and still did this HUGE nice thing - just because. :) Sure warms the heart, doesn't it? It's great to know that there are so many people with love, kindness and generosity in their hearts!

Thank you!

Beth, Corey, angel Charlie and baby Katie,

Thank you SO much for the ornament for Dresden! Every year when we hang it on our tree, we will think of Dresden, Charlie and all the other babies taken too soon. We are so deeply grateful for the kindness others have shown us. Beth, your strength and beautiful words have helped me deal with losing Dresden so much. I'm so sad to know you (because we wouldn't know each other if we hadn't experienced the loss of our darling boys) and at the same time so very happy to have your friendship and support! Just know that you have helped me, and I will try to be as wonderful and giving as you have been to help other families grieving the loss of their sweet babies too.

Snow Day!

Shaun decided that he would stay home from work today, since looking at the news, showed that the snowy conditions made for a really looooooong commute. Today, was actually going to be a "fun" day at work, they had a lunch at a pool hall, so kind of a sucky day to miss work, eh!? But we're happy to have him home until after the New Year (that's my birthday, as Gwen would say!) now!! After lunch we got all bundled up and braved the snowy roads to go sledding! The sledding hill, is close by.. so we carefully traveled there. We didn't realize how blistery cold the wind was, so we let Gwen sled down the opposite hillside to keep the wind off her face! She was so cute in her snowsuit from Aunt Dawn and her value village lands end boots - only 4 bucks!! (that I found yesterday - Shaun thinks it's gross.. but I think it's gross to spend 20 bucks on boots she'll wear for 3 months - not to mention wasteful!!)! ;) Anyway, we had a lot of fun.. spent about an hour, before we were all nice and chilled. Came back home to some hot cocoa and Rudolph! I love snowy days!!

and some good news!

I got news from my grandpa today that my grandma had a cat scan, and she is completely cancer FREE!! She had lung cancer last year, and had two surgeries to remove parts of her lungs! Amazing news!! Finally something good for the end of the year!! :)

nothing to say

Shaun was giving me crap because I haven't written anything in FIVE days! Well, sorry.. I just haven't had anything to say. I still don't, really. Aren't you sick of reading my thoughts? sheesh! haha
The new year is fast approaching.. a year that I KNOW will be better than this one, cause how can it get worse?? I'd rather not think about how it could get worse, actually, so lets not even go there. It WILL be a better year! It has too, I won't take no for an answer! I think the new year will be an emotional time - I usually feel a little sappy at the big countdown anyway.. esp. since Gwen was born on New Years Day and all.. something about your baby getting older just makes a momma a bit weepy. I almost feel like I want to ring in the new year alone.. in a room, so I can bawl my eyes out with no one looking. I may just do that. Of course, I have to be the first to wish my lovely daughter a Happy Birthday! Sooooooo I guess I gotta suck it up and save my whining for later.
I had to do a fasting blood draw today. I've apparently tested positive for some blood clotting disorder - I think it's the MTHFR (looks like mother fucker to me..) mutation or something. So they wanted to do another blood draw fasting. I've looked up some info on this and it seems that 40% of people have this? Doesn't sound like much of a mutation/disorder if that many people have it, eh? Other things I've read - or seen on loss boards, are people with this have a lot of misscarriages. I'm not sure if stillbirths are increased because of it also? I may be advised to take baby aspirin during pregnancy if it comes back positive... which is funny to me, because I was so concerrned when I took 2 baby asprin while I was pregnant with Dresden cause I got a fever one night! haha I NEVER take pills .... and ESP. not while pregnant! So, we'll see.

A taste of summery times!

Gwen learned this song after riding the carousel at Greenfield Village this past spring.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Gwen performs one of her Christmas favorites! Oh, notice the skeleton shirt! haha

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
I want a hippopotamus for ChristmasOnly a hippopotamus will doDon't want a doll, no dinky Tinker ToyI want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoyI want a hippopotamus for ChristmasI don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?He won't have to use our dirty chimney flueJust bring him through the front door,that's the easy thing to doI can see me now on Christmas morning,creeping down the stairsOh what joy and what surprisewhen I open up my eyesto see a hippo hero standing thereI want a hippopotamus for ChristmasOnly a hippopotamus will doNo crocodiles, no rhinocerosesI only like hippopotamusesAnd hippopotamuses like me too(Short Music Interlude)Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but thenTeacher says a hippo is a vegeterian(Short Music Interlude)There's lots of room for him in our two-car garageI'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massageI can see me now on Christmas morning,creeping down the stairsOh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyesto see a hippo hero standing thereI want a hippopotamus for ChristmasOnly a hippopotamus will doNo crocodiles or rhinocerosesesI only like hippopotamusesesAnd hippopotamuses like me too!

In honor of Dresden

Thank you SO very much Heather, Josh, Emma, Erin and Eric for donating to Sasha Farm in honor of Dresden. I was so touched when I got the letter with a picture of the animal that was sponsored... a pigeon named Pamela! :) (another reason I was weepy before the christmas party! hehe) We appreciate your kindness more than words can express. Love you guys and can't wait to see you later this month!!

Gwen asked me this morning.. momma, is it Christmas yet? No, sweetie.. 2 more weeks, then 1 week after that is YOUR birthday! Of course, she's excited.. she doesn't even know why! haha For her birthday, she's all about cake.. I'm sure she doesn't realize that presents are part of that equation. As for christmas, how can she even imagine the mudslide of gifts that will be falling her way all .. day... looong! It's hard to not at least try to be in the spirit when you have a 3 year old hopping around. Maybe the problem is that I am in the spirit.. just not the one that wants to send cards or go shopping. I really reeaally am not into that part this year. Usually I am.. to a point, but not right now! I told Shaun that I don't want to do cards. He gives me a line like.. buuut we haave to! Umm why? I wonder if I put him in charge of the cards, if they'll actually be sent? haha Many of the peole we send cards to read this page.. how bout this.. I'll say MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR and there.. it's done! Consider that your holiday greeting! Love the Ryan's! I think I'm having a psychological block against Christmas or something. Part of me is SUPER excited to share this time with Gwen.. she's at a great age for this type of thing. So much magic, the tree, presents, tunes, snow, icicles! She loves it all, and I love it more strongly because she's here. I just don't have the drive to do all the extra crap that we're supposed to be doing, ya know? It's just like we never sent cards out after Dresden's death.. I always think it's funny when you get your card from a death right away.. like I'm sitting at home just wondering where in the hell is that thank you card from the funeral!! Damn, I gave them a freaking crazy beautiful flower display and they never even sent a card! haha Seriously.. does anyone think that? I hope not.. sorry if you do - sending thank you notes after my kid dies isn't on the top of my things to do list. There are many many things that I want to do.. heck, I've been meaning to go grocery shopping for about a week! Somehow we just keep scrounging things to eat. There is this terrible quality I have.. when i don't want to do something.. I just... don't... you can see why that can be a bad thing! AND an almost equally bad quality is that when I DO want something.. I can be pretty obsessed at getting it.. immediately or sooner! Wow, this is a really strange post, isn' t it? I should probably delete it.. I don't even know what the title should be.. Crazy woman types again or something? hmm I'm not drunk, I swear! My thoughts almost sound like I am.. Shaun, if you're reading this.. you're on christmas card duty! ;) (of course I could just TELL him this, since he's sitting right next to me.. but it's funnier if he reads it! haha) Well, if you made it through this mess of a post then you are a great listener.. and definitely DESERVE a card! LOVE YOU ALL!

gingerbread house

Here we are having fun times decorating our gingerbread house! Gwen really loved the eating candies part.. but also put some of the decorations.. as always, here are some pics!

The henry ford

We went to Macy's Mondays.. here are a couple pictures.. mainly for Mom Ryan, cause I know she wants to download! :)

White Elephant Christmas Party

Over the weekend we had our annual White elephant party! It was a lot of fun as always... opening exciting packages, stealing from friends and of course eating TONS of food! I was pretty weepy before the party.. I think the thought of anything Christmas without my boy, just kind of sucks.. but luckily we have some FABULOUS friends to help us laugh and enjoy the moment! We love you all! Here are a few pictures from the party!
p.s. some people LEFT their white elephant prizes here.. ON PURPOSE! you know who you are.. and so do WE! ;) Do not think this is over!

Love under the mistletoe!
Rob gives Gwen a lesson in table tennis.

Gwen hugging Kieran, one of her boy friends! ;)

presents!!

Michele was shy about a penis in her box! hehe

It's not a Ryan party without naked men!

If you try to steal our steins (DAVE!) we will CRUSH YOU!! haha

We all waited to find out who would be graced with Orlando Blooms glory! Ang didn't keep him long! A hot commodity indeed.

The birthday girls!! Ah, to be 26 again! ;)

hmmmm looks like someone forgot his candles.. in my bedroom.. strange.....

Tie Dye!!

We went out to Jungle Java last week with Michelle and Gwen (a 'grown up' Gwen) Their kids always have cool tie dye shirts and it's always SO easy to spot them in a crowd! I got inspired! I looked up some videos on youtube and found http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fFUFWwmRRE - a great little tutorial for tie dye! Then I found a dye kit at Joanns on clearance.. came home all excited and told Shaun of my big plans! He was excited too! He's the artistic one in the bunch so, of course he loves art projects! So far we've done 6 shirts! thanks for the inspiration Michelle and Gwen!! :) Here are some pictures! Oh, and we very cheesily wore our matching shirts to the rec center!! hehee

3 months

Wow.. that's almost all I want to say. Wow. Can you believe it's been that long? I certainly can't. 3 months is 1/3 of the time he spent inside my womb! Sometimes my hand still travels to my belly to feel him move.. only he's not there. I don't like to speak for Shaun, but I do feel that I have reached that place in grief where acceptance is granted. I will never stop wondering why this had to happen. I will never stop thinking about my son. I will never stop wishing he was with me, with us. He is my forever baby - he will never grow up, he will never go to school, drive a car, get married or bless us with grand babies.. he is always our baby and he will always hold a special place in our hearts.

bad word

Gwen thinks that "NO" is a bad word. It's kind of funny, cause I don't think we really even use the term "bad word" so I'm not sure where she got that.. BUT.. if she asks to watch a movie, for example, and Shaun says, "no".. she gets really upset and says, Daddy said a bad word to me! And if he says YES.. she'll say, Daddy didn't say a bad word to me anymore!! :)

a really funny quote.. and so true! ;)

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any Crap, be ready to receive a ton of Shit.'

Oh Gwen..

Gwen goes into the freezer, grabs a Popsicle then I open the fridge, and she goes.. OH CELERY! I want a piece of celery momma! Oooooookay! Not gonna pass that up! SO, she comes back to me a few minutes later with a partially eaten Popsicle and is saying I want more (i'm thinking.. what? the other part of your broken Popsicle??) CELERY! HAHA I LOVE IT!

Anonymous comment

Someone left the following comment at Dresden's name in the sand post.. I'm not sure who it is, but I wanted to say thank you for the beautiful comment that is so soo true! I only wish love could have saved my sweet little son, I wish that every day.

Dresden,I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if love alone could have saved you, you would be in your mama's arms right now. Look after your family, little man.

Brittany Spears.. MY Idol?????????

HAHA Well, not really.. BUT, maybe a little.. because see.. now any woman who has had a cesarean and got pregnant 3 months later, is totally MY IDOL! ;) Funny to think of Brittany and an idol to a 31 year old who really does not have "idols", isn't it?

I'm alright..

That is how I answer the age old question.. "How are you?" Usually asked by an unsuspecting checkout person who really doesn't want to know how you are! I can't lie and say I'm good.. so I say alright.. which to me says, I've been better without sounding quite so negative. Today I was at Sam's club.. The cashier asked.. I answered. Usually it stops at that.. but THIS cashier.... whoa.. actually cared? "Not feeling well today?" she asked. I said, no I feel fine.. and she kept on.. so I told her why I'm just alright. I don't pass up any good chance to talk to someone about my son. I have limited ways of sharing him, you know. AND.. she said, I had a daughter, she lived for about an hour. Her words stab me in the chest... oh, how I hate hearing of other babies dying too soon.. I asked her when her baby died.. she said, OH! It's been 20 years now.. you don't forget! Her words are familiar.. One day, I will assure some grief stricken mother that her baby will never be forgotten too, and I will hope that my words bring her some solace.

Psychic Gwennie?

The other night I went out shopping with Shaun's mom. Shaun and Gwen hung out at his folks house while we shopped.. Gwen announced that she needed to go open the door for mommy. Shaun decided to 'humor' her and let her out the door to see that we weren't back yet.. what a surprise he got when he saw us at the door, trying to get in! (They locked the screen because when we first left 1.5 hrs before, Gwen went out to look for us! YIKES!!) Anyway, she was right.. we needed the door opened for us! :)
THEN!...
Last night Gwen was talking to Shaun while I was in the kitchen.. I heard parts of the conversation.. mainly that she was talking about Dresden and his stocking. When I returned, Shaun said - did you catch any of what she was saying? Then he told me that she said that "when Dresden gets a new body, he can come home and be with us and see his stocking on the christmas tree!" WHA? This is not something we've talked to her about, and not something we've really talked about at all (though I have thought about it).. I have no idea where she got that idea from!
I guess, I really need to listen with totally open ears when Gwen talks, eh?

Names in the Sand

A family in Austraila who lost their baby boy honors our babies by writing their name in the sand. It's so beautiful! They have done this for 700+ families so far! Here is Dresden's name in the sand.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/dresden.html