Thursday, March 26, 2009

We were in Myrtle Beach for the 6 month anniversary of Dresden. I keep trying to figure out the best way to say that.. the way that sounds right.. maybe that's it? I've been feeling the need to write about this, if for nothing more than my own history.
Anyway, we picked up his ashes from the funeral home on September 13th, it was a hard day.. also the day of his memorial service. When we went to pick up the ashes, Shaun mentioned to the worker that they must be used to this kind of thing, as we were struggling to keep composure long enough to get in and out with our son. The woman had tears well up in her eyes, and said.. no, not this.. that is about the time I lost it, and we had to get home. We had the urns shipped next day, because we wanted everything together for the memorial. What a horrible thing for parents to have to do.. pick out what kind of places to put their child's 'cremains' (a word I absolutely HATE! Id much rather say ashes or even remains.. but cremains just sounds disgusting to me) into. We decided to get some different urns, and settled on a small one to have out in our family room as well as one for our parents and pendants for Shaun and I. My pendant has not left my neck since September 13th... only for showers.. I wear it when I sleep, workout, grocery shop... there was one time a week or two after Dresden was born that I forgot to put it back on after my shower, and I quickly turned around and came home to get it (I was barely to the end of our street when I remembered). So, anyhow... back to the point.. you were beginning to think that there wasn't one? haha yes, the point - 6 months, Myrtle Beach - we went to brookgreen gardens that day, to the zoo there. I took a shower in the morning and when we got to the gardens I felt for my necklace and it wasn't there! I felt horrible, on that DAY of all days, how could I forget? It still bothers me, even now, weeks later. I kept thinking what if the maid screws with it? (that of course was the only day that we didn't leave the 'privacy' sign on the door because we needed towels! ) I don't know what the point of this is.. I guess it's just to acknowledge how much comforting it is to have part of Dresden with me all the time. I don't know how much time needs to pass before I don't feel like I should be wearing Dresden's pendant all the time. Maybe I'll always wear it, maybe it will be put away at some point and brought out for holidays, birthdays, family portraits. I really don't know.. but for now, I have some peace in at least knowing that part of him is with me.


Heather E said...
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k@lakly said...

It's amazing how having something tangible, beyond the memories, can ease the ache. I'm ordering a footprint/handprint necklace that I think I may wear forever.
Thinking of you.

Michelle R said...

I'm sure that you will do just the right thing at just the right time :)

Lea said...

Your pendant sounds beautiful... what a special idea. I can see how you felt bad about not having it on when you were in Myrtle Beach (I'd be the same way)... Dresden is ALWAYS with you, no matter what.


angie said...

the pendant sounds incredibly comforting. i've been thinking of one of those glass cremation orbs...but i have a bracelet that i love. sending you much love.