I feel like I've lost him all over again..

While checking my morning emails, I felt something under my shirt. Little particles of something... I pulled some out, thought Gwen must have somehow got some candy in there, and threw it on the floor.. i'll vacuum later, right? I go into the kitchen to make a call, and feel more of this stuff under my shirt, between my tank bra and shirt.. I lift up my shirt and out falls all of this stuff.. I'm puzzled - for a second.. then I see Dresden's urn is missing from my necklace! His ashes are all over the kitchen floor! I feel okay, but rush around looking for the urn part, hoping it's not shattered somewhere in our bed, it's not there.. it's under my shirt still (baby and boobs hold it in place) it's totally empty, I start to freak out, call Shaun at work and can barely talk - I get out that Dresden's necklace broke and his ashes are on the floor, I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Shaun got me calmed down a bit, but as soon as we hung up, I lost it again, screaming out! I don't even remember screaming when he died.. then I had to go back by the computer and search the floor for my dead sons ashes, and then to the kitchen, adding each little piece back into the cobalt blue urn. I've been wearing him since 3 days after he died, everywhere but the shower, and now my necklace is broken. Shaun says he can fix it, but what if he can't? I feel sick... I couldn't protect him then, and I can't even protect him now!