I started writing this (actually wrote it out in PEN! over a week or so in the book I keep of kiddo memories!) at the end of August..
A fellow babyloss momma Angie @still life with circles started a project called "right where I am" to show others the scope of grief at various stages of loss. I've been wanting to write for a while now, but writing doesn't come as easy as it once did. With Dresden's 3rd birthday coming up, I wanted to do this for him - mostly because in the early months my biggest desire was to help others going through the same unimaginable loss, and I still want to, but reaching out seems more difficult for me at times. In those early months I would search the internet - message boards, blogs, books, anything I could find that would help me feel not so alone... the one thing I needed most was to know that someday I would feel good again. I read in one of many books that some people take 7 years to feel normal and as happy as they were again. 7 YEARS! I thought that was a horrible timeline to look forward to and I knew that it wasn't what I wanted for myself or my family. As I read through countless blogs and posts of other women walking this path, it gave me so much hope.. that one day, I would be there too. In a place not quite so raw, in a place where there were more smiles than tears and in a place where my heart didn't feel like a billion broken pieces. I have never been so grateful for the internet, I don't know how I would have gotten through without the love and support from my fellow baby loss momma's. <3 These are the only people that I've never actually met, but still consider FRIENDS and I'm so glad and sad to have them in my life. With September rolling in I find myself a little more open to tears, and when I feel those first autumn breezes it takes me back to that time so much easier than any other time of year. You may think that I dread September (and maybe now I should.. since on September 1st of this year, my brother in law unexpectedly passed away - and I kind of felt like Fu#K September strikes again! :( another devastating blow to our family, a life taken too soon ) and part of me maybes does.. a very small part. Being 3 years out means that my pain isn't on the surface anymore, and what I love about this time of year is that it brings Dresden out a little more. A couple weeks ago, I could smell him.. don't even try to ask what my boy smells like, I'd never be able to explain it, but it's him. right after that "it's a small world" started playing from one of the books in the bedroom! Makes my heart so happy! <3 NO matter how much times passes, Dresden is never far from my mind. I think of him every single day.. sometimes I wonder if it will always be that way, or if 10-15 years from now I'll still remember his smell, or the weight of him in my arms, his cute button nose and the way I felt like I would just die right along with him, the pain was so intense. What I am now though is mostly at peace, I can think of my baby with a smile on my face and love in my heart and it's not all tears and pain. :) (of course, sometimes when I'm alone in my car, I jam my sappy music mix and sob... just not every day like I used to!) I feel happy that I had a beautiful soul touch my life, even for a short time, grateful that I've had such strong support of family and friends, and delighted that I have Gwen and our little rainbow girl Delaney constantly making me laugh- even on the hard days (like today, his birthday)
So, today for my baby boys 3rd birthday, I made his apple birthday cake with my two "helpers" - I wonder if tasters would be a better name! I looked at his pictures, and items we brought home from the hospital, and we sang happy birthday with tears in our eyes ... and then laughed because the girls had to blow out the candles 5 times! Happy Birthday Dresden.. your momma loves you the whole wide world!! (and more!)