Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It's that time of year again..

The time that gets me all weepy, and sick to my stomach, and just plain sad. This day 2 years ago marks the end of one of the best weekends ever!  We really lived it up, knowing the our family would be expanding soon and that it wouldn't be long before Gwen wasn't our only baby anymore.  We had such a beautiful time at the apple orchard and the build a bear shop, where Gwen made her special Tiggy Witch... we were supposed to be there making baby brother a stuffed bear, a gift from his big sis -  we never made that bear, because nothing felt right.  I wonder now, if nothing felt right because deep down I knew that there wouldn't be a baby brother to enjoy a stuffed toy.. maybe Gwen knew too..  The 8th is the day that our world turned upside down and life would never be the same, things would never go back to just plain happy.  How could they?   You go to the hospital, and see no life in your womb, no swooshing heartbeat - why couldn't that ultrasound machine just be broken, unplugged?! my womb was supposed to be a safe, and happy place for my perfect beautiful little boy and then bam!  Out of nowhere, he's just dead?  It still doesn't make sense to me, it never will.  There is a hole in my heart that won't fill up- EVER.. no matter how much joy comes after 9/9/08, there will always be a part of me that died with my son, a part that will never return.  I'm okay with that now, it's the only way I can stay connected to him, and if I know one thing, it's that I always want Dresden to be part of my life and I'm so happy that he was here, even if just for a moment in time.  I love you sweet little guy.. you'll always be my baby and you will always have a part of my heart.  Shaun and I have talked about how grateful we were that we found out Dresden's fate on 9/8/08, but he was born after 1am on the 9th.. his birth may not have been a happy time for us, but at least it wasn't the absolute WORST day or our lives..
This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTpHAbuEQac makes me sappy and I almost hate admitting that it's made me cry, it's a happy kid song!  But for me, it's just a cruel reminder that my girls' brother doesn't love trucks.. or anything, he was robbed of a beautiful life full of wonder and we were robbed of knowing him.