Oh my!

My lovely friend Camilla just sent us flowers for Dresden's birthday.  They are gorgeous, so I wanted to share.  Thank you SOOOOO much Camilla, Ross, Oliver (and Amalia, too!)  They brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face, Love to you all!

Happy 2nd Birthday Dresden!

Time... again, it's so strange because I feel like how could it already be two years, but at the same time I feel like how is it NOT ten years?  I still think that our minds have a way of protecting us from grief and time is a way to ease the pain?  It still hurts, I know that it will always hurt.  As soon as the first autumn breeze came through my windows, I felt Dresden.  It's his time, I can sense him more, even smell him and to me there is nothing more beautiful than that.  Today, we will pick the apples from Dresden's tree and then Gwen, Delaney and I will make Dresden's special apple birthday cake and talk about him, sings songs to him (Gwen made a song for her brother a while ago.. she likes to sing it to Delaney.. "the heart of looove, go to sleep go to sleep, the heart of looove")  Shaun will come home early, and we will sing to our baby and eat his cake.. it won't be all fun and laugher like it should, but it is his day, and we will celebrate his life, however short it was.  Yesterday my nephew said that he wished Dresden was still here, I told him that I did too.. and then he said I wish Dresden AND Delaney were both here together!  He's only 7 years old, and already so intuitive.. I think kids know so much more about life and death than we do as adults, I feel so blessed to have family and friends who aren't afraid to mention Dredsen's name, and I know they will never forget.  Happy Birthday to my sweet boy, I love you and miss you all the time.

It's that time of year again..

The time that gets me all weepy, and sick to my stomach, and just plain sad. This day 2 years ago marks the end of one of the best weekends ever!  We really lived it up, knowing the our family would be expanding soon and that it wouldn't be long before Gwen wasn't our only baby anymore.  We had such a beautiful time at the apple orchard and the build a bear shop, where Gwen made her special Tiggy Witch... we were supposed to be there making baby brother a stuffed bear, a gift from his big sis -  we never made that bear, because nothing felt right.  I wonder now, if nothing felt right because deep down I knew that there wouldn't be a baby brother to enjoy a stuffed toy.. maybe Gwen knew too..  The 8th is the day that our world turned upside down and life would never be the same, things would never go back to just plain happy.  How could they?   You go to the hospital, and see no life in your womb, no swooshing heartbeat - why couldn't that ultrasound machine just be broken, unplugged?! my womb was supposed to be a safe, and happy place for my perfect beautiful little boy and then bam!  Out of nowhere, he's just dead?  It still doesn't make sense to me, it never will.  There is a hole in my heart that won't fill up- EVER.. no matter how much joy comes after 9/9/08, there will always be a part of me that died with my son, a part that will never return.  I'm okay with that now, it's the only way I can stay connected to him, and if I know one thing, it's that I always want Dresden to be part of my life and I'm so happy that he was here, even if just for a moment in time.  I love you sweet little guy.. you'll always be my baby and you will always have a part of my heart.  Shaun and I have talked about how grateful we were that we found out Dresden's fate on 9/8/08, but he was born after 1am on the 9th.. his birth may not have been a happy time for us, but at least it wasn't the absolute WORST day or our lives..
This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTpHAbuEQac makes me sappy and I almost hate admitting that it's made me cry, it's a happy kid song!  But for me, it's just a cruel reminder that my girls' brother doesn't love trucks.. or anything, he was robbed of a beautiful life full of wonder and we were robbed of knowing him.   

Happy 1st Birthday Delaney!!

So, I'm a few days late here, but we've been pretty busy, what can I say?  August 31st Delaney turned 1 (her birthday party invitation is the picture above)!  My little rainbow baby is now a walking, jabbering, adorable, lovable toddler!  I can't believe how quickly this year went by, I can so vividly remember last year when she was snug in my womb, just waiting so anxiously for her SAFE arrival.. and here we are.  It seems impossible.  I thank my baby girl every day for joining our family, I hope she always realizes how incredibly special she is to all of us.  She enjoyed her birthday parties and as you can see, she was not afraid to really get into the cake!  :)