Something Beautiful - Thursday
October 31, 2008 11:50 AM
Posted By Shannon
Going to a Natural Parents halloween party and meeting some new folks (83 of them!)! Watching the kids play together.. esp. Gwen and Kieran playing baseball - it was too sweet!!
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Something beautiful everyday
October 30, 2008 9:54 AM
Posted By Shannon
A fellow lost baby momma (sounds nicer than dead baby momma, I suppose) added a thead on a message board called - Something beautiful everyday.. she thought it would be nice to find beauty even in the face of tragedy. Sometimes it is hard to find beauty when you're grieving, but it's still there, all around us. So, I'm going to make an attempt to have this category every day on this site.. feel free to join in and put your own 'something beautiful' in the comments section! Now, my things arent' always beauitful (that seems like a word you'd use to describe the autumn leaves crunching under your feet) sometimes they are just fun things that make me smile, or brighten my heart.

Wednesday - going to kickboxing and using a jump rope - I actually did good too! The stretching portion at the end was like yoga.. they even turn the lights off - I love breathing innnnnnn and ouuuuuuut - one of the stretches made my uterus feel funny, so I won't do that one anymore.
ALSO.. we carved pumpkins at the MO house! It was a lot of fun.. well, I didn't really carve a pumpkin, but I did gut one with Gwen.. I let Shaun take care of the carving part - there were SOOOOOOOOO many pumpkins - all really cool! And sooo many yummy treats! MMMM! But most of all the company with that crowd is always beautiful and loving!!
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It's offical..
October 29, 2008 5:02 PM
Posted By Shannon
Our friend had a baby a couple days ago - the one who didn't know the sex.. well, it's another GIRL!! Out of 10 - 2008 pregnancies (family or close friends) ALL GIRLS.. except our boy.. our missing boy :(
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7 weeks
October 28, 2008 7:44 PM
Posted By Shannon
Still hard to believe that my baby boy has been out of my body for 7 weeks.. life in general has gotten easier with these weeks. It's still hard to believe that he's gone, it doesn't really get less sucky!
I've been thinking about Dresden's death.. and have had a couple people (including shaun and I at times) who've said, that the fact that he never took a breath is 'better' than if he had been with us for a while.. that it would have made everything all the more difficult if he had been born alive. I feel conflicted about this because on one hand, yes.. it is probably easier that we never brought him home, never heard him cry or laugh... however, it makes it so painful that we never heard his voice, never saw his eyes, it hurts that we don't have more pictures of him and that the only ones we do have are of a dead baby, and one who's skin is not in the best condition, due to his passing inside my warm body.. Some people may think that it would be easier because you aren't attached to the baby yet.. But the thing that you don't know.. unless you are a parent.. is how deep the attachment is.. I felt attached to that sweet baby as soon as the 2nd line appeared on the pregnancy test.. and the attachment grew every day, with every move and every hiccup I felt. I was so afraid that he would leave us in those early weeks.. one day my temperature went down (I continued to chart for a few weeks after getting pregnant for some reason) and I told Shaun that I wold miscarry that day, I just 'knew' it! I felt terrified then.. only days after finding out that I was pregnant. Shaun said, well.. when you don't lose the baby, you need to STOP charting! And so I did, after taking my temp once more the next day! ;) Sometimes I wish that I had lost him then.. before seeing him on ultrasound, before ever feeling his wiggly little body.. oh, I would have been devastated... but I would know a pain less than this... but then I think, if I had lost him then, I'd have no memories of him kicking me, I would have never gotten to see his sweet face, or him dancing around during the first ultrasound, I would have never gotten to hear his heartbeat - so even though my heart is hurting, I am grateful that he was a part of my life.. even if only for a short time.
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Brandon and Ro!
October 27, 2008 12:59 PM
Posted By Shannon
CONGRATS to the Mitchells!!! Our friends tied the knot over the weekend. What a fun wedding it was!! Poor shaun was sore the next day! That boy is a dancin' fool! Initially I was feeling kind of down.. From the moment I got pregnant, it was known that I'd be bringing a baby to that wedding reception! Like I've said before, leaving a little nursing baby just wasn't gonna happen! :( So sometimes things are just a reminder of what I should have had.. and now don't.. eventually though, I felt better and broke it down on the dance floor a little with Shaun. I had a couple of glasses of Ryan's cream! and made perverted jokes about it! haha
Gwen spent the night at my mom's.. It's funny, she NEVER spent the night anywhere until I was in the hospital having Dresden... now the past 3 Saturdays, she's been sleeping away from us! The best part of it is that whenever we go to pick her up, she isn't ready to leave! I guess that's what happens when a super attached kid starts spending the night places, eh!?
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Dreams
October 27, 2008 9:59 AM
Posted By Shannon
Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant again. But it wasn't an ordinary pregnancy.. it was going to last only 5 days! AND end with the birth of a full term baby! How amazing if that could really happen next time! I was setting up my c-section for a Thursday - it was only Monday in the dream! The only strange thing (besides the whole 5 day pregnancy) was that because it was so fast, I wasn't showing yet.. and I couldn't feel the baby move. I felt kind of cheated, since I absolutely LOVE being pregnant, but just really wanted a living baby in my arms, so I didn't care about missing out on the joys of pregnancy.
Cinderella was right.. "A dream is a wish your heart makes"
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Today
October 22, 2008 10:35 PM
Posted By Shannon
What an emotionally draining day! First the midwife appointment.. and then this evening I went to my mom's for my sister's birthday. My cousin and his wife come over with their brand new baby girl.. a week or two old and darling, I'm sure.. As soon as I saw the baby carrier, I just had to run to the bathroom and cry.. I thought I could handle it(i've seen babies at target and stuff), I got my composure back in the bathroom and went out to sing happy birthday. My cousin was holding the baby by then, and I couldn't even look at them fully.. back to the bathroom for me - this time my mom followed and I sobbed while she hugged me and cried too. I figured that seeing baby girls would be easier than boys.. wrong! I don't want people with babies to feel bad for having a LIVING baby or for bringing her around me.. it's not that, it's just I feel so fucking sad and angry that I don't have my son and there are reminders everywhere of what I've lost. I look forward, one day, that these 2008 babies will not hurt my heart to look at..but give me a glimpse of what Dresden would have been doing - walking, talking, school, college, marriage, kids of his own.. hopefully keeping his memory alive in me forever.. I just hope that these friends and relatives understand that I have no ill feelings toward them or their babies, I'm extremely happy for them all.. but at the same time I've extremely sad for myself.
I've also read and gotten advice from other mom's with lost babies.. and a lot of them say that at this point you can still be in shock and everything hits all over again 2-4 months in! Oh Great! Just when I thought things were looking up.. then I have a day like today to smack me right back into reality.. and with a possibility of MORE days like this? A LOT MORE?!!

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Midwife
October 22, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I went to the midwife today..6 week check up..cried the whole way there (thank you for helping with that Josh Grobin!)! ummm so nothing exciting.. it appears that my cervix and uterus are back in their 'normal' state... no, that does not mean I should try conceiving again.. in fact she reminded me that it would NOT be a good idea to go getting pregnant this soon.. I told her that I only get pregnant when I want to - Shaun and I have many years of practice in that department.. and have only conceived TWO babies.. both intended pregnancies. I will be seeing the preconception guy in a couple of weeks.. I hope he can give me some good insight on when we can try to make another baby.. it's strange but i'm kind of feeling desperate about it.. my arms are so empty and I NEED a baby in them.. my baby though.. I can't even think about holding other peoples babies.. so don't worry.. I'm no going to turn into a babynapper! Anyway, from what I've read a cesarean takes 3 months to heal completely.. I figure, if I take my vitamins, drink some raspberry leaf tea (stregthens the uterus.. I was taking this in the last few months of pregnancy preparing for my super easy VBAC delivery!) and exercise I can get my body ready for another pregnancy sooner than later. Pregnancy is hard on a woman's body.. and two in a row could cause some serious depletions in your mineral/vitmamin stores..
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6 weeks
October 21, 2008 8:29 AM
Posted By Shannon
Each week passes.. they are speeding up again. For a while time felt like it was on stand by.. just for us. Now, it seems the world has started to move again. I'm conflicted about this... I'm not sure I want the world to move on.. but I do think time is the best healer in most cases, so only time will help.. but there is always that nagging voice in the back of my head (or actually usually it's hanging out in front!) - "YOUR BABY IS DEAD! Don't smile! Don't laugh! What is wrong with you!?" But I do realize that no child of mine would want a sad momma all the time.. so for Gwen and for Dresden I refuse to be that person... for my children I will rise above the pain.. and eventually Dresden's life, the time he spent inside my womb will be a positive memory - it has to be.. cause that's all I've got.
I miss you baby boy, I miss you sooooo very much!
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Halloween Party 2008
October 20, 2008 1:05 PM
Posted By Shannon
What can I say! The halloween party as always was a fun night! Thanks to Brandon's yummy punch I was highly buzzed by 8pm! (after 1 drink! haha) But of course I didn't stop there! We had some good laughs which were VERY needed after the past 6 weeks and made some fun memories! We seriously couldn't ask for better friends and family to party down with!
Some of the costumes were REALLY amazing! (not mine, I wasn't dressed up) Borat and his blemish free ass.. won best male (a couple of my other faves were my nephew Michael - who actually CREATED his 2 face mask from scratch! I didn't even recongnize him when he first came into my house! and then Will as the Joker was a fave too.. I just love the joker right now - esp cause Gwen says "Whyyy sooo serious" in the joker voice!!) Sarah Palin won best female, then Popeye and Olive Oil for best couple! If there was a best group category it would have TOTALLY been the muppets!!
Here are a few pictures.. I'm adding lots more to MYSPACE if you care to look - there might be some NAKED shots!! WOOOWOOOO!! Just kiddin' your naked pictures are safe with me! ;)

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October 20
October 20, 2008 9:30 AM
Posted By Shannon
I posted a really long story about the beginning of our relationship that I wrote a long time ago for my scrapbook.. I figured our wedding anniversary would be a good day to post something like that! hehe :)
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Happy Anniversary to us!! 7 years of marriage!
October 20, 2008 9:22 AM
Posted By Shannon
The Story of our beginning

Like the beginning of any perfect romance, we met on the school bus. The year was 1992, I was in 10th grade, he was in 9th (so I like younger men.. big deal!) and it was to be the beginning of a magical journey together. Of course me being 15 and him 14, we would have NEVER thought of forever – well, maybe I did.. but that’s what
15 year old girls do!
Anyhow, back to the first meeting. We were on the bus ride home from good old John F. Kennedy high school, when Joel (my 3rd cousin and Shaun’s Tae Kwon Do buddy) started to harass Leona, Dina and I. Or more likely we started to harass him. Shaun being the macho and flirty guy that he his, stepped in to assist his superior in Tae Kwon Do. Probably to catch some female attention, knowing Shaun.
It took me a few days to figure out that I was gonna have to like this guy. We actually talked, which was weird for me. Normally when I liked boys, I was super shy and the biggest conversation would have been “hi” followed by lots of giggles and excitement. But Shaun was different; I could actually talk to him, and considered him a friend.
The day I finally decided for sure that he was my next target for love (I’d only targeted like 2 guys in my whole life!) was the day that Joel fractured his jaw in tae kwon do class! Lucky for me it wasn’t serious enough for him to be out of school for long, and only two days later he was back on the bus.
One of these early days on the bus ride home, he sang a song to me. Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I thought it was just the most romantic thing ever. So, I did what any girl in my situation would do. I bought the tape!! (yes, we used cassette tapes back then!) I loved that song so much, and Anthony Kiedis was HOT! I kept asking Leona; don’t you think Shaun kind of looks like him?? She always said nope. One thing we did agree on about Shaun though, was that he had an arrogant appeal to him. While watching Beauty and the Beast one day, we decided that he was definitely Gaston like. “She’s the best girl in town and don’t I deserve the best???” Ha!
I can’t remember when the first candy gram was sent to my sssecretly-admired love, possibly December 1992. This started a two-month period of ssecret love letters. Leona and I would make up poems, very clever poems like.. ‘I see you walking down the hall, I wish you were my butterball” and ‘Every time I see you my heart goes bump bump’ We were full of fabulous ideas. Every letter was signed “Love, your sssssecret admirer” and sealed with a kiss – from Leona normally, because I would just start to laugh and lipstick would be everywhere! Mary supplied us with the cards since she worked for Hallmark at the time and had a nice stock of every kind of card imaginable. The reason for the many ssss, besides my name starting with an S?? My Chinese animal sign is the snake. Shaun knew this, so I offered it as a little hint. Unfortunately he didn’t get it.
He always figured that the most likely culprit was Dina, since she was the only one who didn’t talk to him. I had planned on putting a valentine puzzle in his locker with a teddy bear to expose the secret. However, Shaun called my house one day while I was babysitting and talked to Jennifer for a bit.. who very willingly ratted me out! What kind of sister does that? So Shaun knew the big secret, was he thrilled? I don’t know.. he really liked many girls at the time, his flirtatious ways
made sure that a few girls liked him too!
When the next semester started, I had switched out of a class (can’t remember which one or why, but there was a good reason??) and got into Ms. Eskins art class instead. (gotta love Fate!) I was walking to class with Dina and when we walked by Ms. Eskins room, guess who I saw?? SHAUN RYAN!! Oh the delight, I actually probably squealed in the hallway! 2nd hour was going to be the BEST! So, I came in, and sat at a table with Shaun, Jason Ward and Beth Gorke. We all had a lot of fun in that class.
Around March of 1993, I joined tae kwon do after watching a Jean Claude Van Dam movie with Leona. She was already in karate, and of course the fact that Shaun was in it too, had nothing to do with me wanting to join! So, I went to class all the time, and got all giddy and excited when I saw Shaun walking toward the building with his workout bag in tow. His giups were always so much fun to laugh at. HI, MY, DIE, PIE… etc. and it gave me more of a chance to flirt with him and watch him get all sweaty!
On June 6, 1993 I got my drivers license. A couple days later, my mom let me drive her car to karate. How cool was I?? Jennifer walked up there later so she could ride home with me. I left class feeling highly important and mature; after all, I did have a car to drive! (even if it was just for less than a mile trip and my mom’s!) I had the brilliant plan that I would pull up next to Shaun and offer him a lift, you know, to look suave. So, backing out I hear BOOM! And then an alarm going off. I just froze, and then asked Jennifer, did I hit it? Did I hit it? She said, NO! go go go!! There goes my suave idea. There was no way that I could offer him a ride now, I felt like a total idiot and I was super freaked out. I took the car home and decided to go for a walk with Jennifer. We walked to the Little Rose Chapel, for a quick prayer. Then I was ready to go to Shaun’s house. I was embarrassed and wanted to see how much of that he saw? Of course he saw everything.. we laughed and chatted. I tried to kiss Bear and it looked like he might bite my face off - it seems that no one had taught that dog how to kiss!
Back at school, there was talk about Shaun and not one but two girls that he liked. Beth Gorke labeled them party number one and party number two. I wasn’t allowed to know who they were, which led me to believe that I was one of them. Though I can’t remember which one? And honestly I didn’t care, as long as I was the one picked! Well, that dream came true on Friday, June 11, 1993! What a wonderful day that was! We sat next to each other on the bus that afternoon and I found out that my new FIRST awesome boyfriend was not going to be able to see me all weekend! He had boy scout camp to attend – WHAT? I’m going out with a boy scout?? Wow.. I didn’t even think those existed in high school. Oh well, there would be plenty of other weekends to hang with my new man.
Our first horrible kiss was in the back of the karate school, probably 5 days after our relationship began. Joel was there, he asked us if we’d kissed yet. We shyly said no… and he said, you guys need to kiss right now! I’m not letting you leave until you kiss!! So, we went for it… and it was kind of a rushed painful kiss.. highly embarrassing! On the walk to my house after, I had some gum in my mouth and I said, to Shaun, want some? He said yes… and that’s how we had our first real kiss. How incredibly cheesy! But we are a cheesy couple, so it fits.
Our first movie date was with Leona, Dina and BrandonWilley. We went to southland mall’s movie theatre to see Jurassic Park. Afterward, we took photo’s in the booth. You can tell that I am not at my most comfortable in those photo’s.. as the years go by, those photo booth pictures get more and more loosey goosey! I never considered the movie to be our real first date. Since we went with friends, it wasn’t the same. What I consider our first date is midway golf. Shaun’s mom picked me up. I was wearing shorts with a black pleather front and some kind of flannel shirt with cut off sleeves (Hey, it was the grunge era!) Shaun sat in the back with me, like his mom was a chauffeur or something, which was a little strange to me, but nice to have him sitting next to me in the back of the mini van. We arrived at midway to play putt putt golf, and after walked across the street to get ice cream. It was raining a bit, we were sitting outside and kissing a lot! (we were old pro’s by then!) Shaun was trying to remove strawberry seeds from my retainer! The owners of the ice cream place came out and said we had to leave because they were closing down for the day. (or they didn’t want teenagers making out at their business!?) So, we walked to the pay phone and called for our pick up ride. What a fun and memorable day. We still celebrate our dating anniversary each year by going to play putt putt at midway.

The End. Of the beginning.



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A Walk to Remember
October 19, 2008 5:10 PM
Posted By Shannon
The walk to remember was nice. It was a pretty short walk - I kind of wish it was longer (even though Gwen walks Reeeeeeeaaaly slow) but the event on a whole was nicely done. Strange to be surrounded by so many people who have lost babies, sad to be part of that group but glad that we are not alone in this journey. I wasn't sure how emotional it would be, and it wasn't as bad as I thought.. but I felt like if I talked to anyone I would lose it.. so I didn't really attempt to 'make friends' Heck, just signing in I started to tear up a little.. and all the lady said was, here write a message on this paper leaf and we put them in a book every year with pictures of the walk and the new tree! I hate crying in front of people by the way.. so I usually try hard to avoid that. Sometimes.. it can't be avoided though, so we just go with the flow! Someone donated books for the people at the walk, it's called The angel with the golden glow. It's a nice book.. heavy on the religious stuff.. god sending angels to earth just to leave poor people all sad and alone... beautiful illistrations though and a heartfelt story too. Some people released balloons for their baby girl at the tree planting site. A lot of people had shirts or buttons with their little lost ones. They had little tree slices that the siblings could color on and then wear a necklace in memory of the sibling they are missing.. Shaun helped Gwen make one and she wore it (most of the time) all the way to the tree planting site. I recommend visiting the Nichols Arbetoreum though, it's a goregeous place along the huron river.. very peaceful. I had no idea it existed that close to the hospital!
Oh, and the hospital.. I'm glad we drove there together yesterday, it was a tough drive.. the last time we drove there ended up being the worst day of our lives! I felt sick while driving by there again and nervous- like just being there was going to cause it to happen again! My appointment with the preconception specialist is at the hospital next month.. so hopefully going there will make me a little stronger each time. I told Shaun that the hospital now holds more bad memories than good.. Gwen was born there and gave us the BEST day of our lives. Dresden was born there and gave us the worst day.. and papa died there 2 years ago in March. I said, so we have to even things out.. if we have our next babies there it will make more positive memories for us - and one thing is for sure.. they know how to do a cesarean!!
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A Walk to Remember
October 17, 2008 11:02 PM
Posted By Shannon

We're doing this walk tomorrow.. (before the halloween party)http://www.med.umich.edu/nursing/holden/walktoremember.html
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The show must go on..
October 17, 2008 10:56 PM
Posted By Shannon
And that show would be the halloween party. Tomorrow nigt - everyone's invited! I'm hoping to drink a lot of booze! Join the festivities if you like!!
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We Remember
October 16, 2008 1:26 AM
Posted By Shannon
October 15th is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. We lit a candle at 7pm in remembrance of not only Dresden, but all the other babies who left our world much too soon.
With every breath from now until the last, I will remember my darling son.
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nature walk at the park
October 15, 2008 10:04 PM
Posted By Shannon
We went to Lower Huron over the weekend and had a really nice time. Who doesn't love autumn? Here are some pictures from our day there.
Wingardium Leviosa - a magic spell from Harry Potter!


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Things I shouldn't be able to do
October 15, 2008 12:05 AM
Posted By Shannon
I can't help but think of all the things that I shouldn't be able to do.. I should have a 5 week old baby with me constantly - there would be no..
going to the movies with Shaun to (finally) see the dark night
getting drunk at parties
going to kickboxing (as I did today)
taking a bike ride with Gwen while Shaun is working (another thing we did today)
seeing wicked this winter
sleeping all night long
taking long walks alone
consider going to cedar point
Don't get me wrong, these are all things that I enjoy, but oh, how I would have enjoyed having a lifetime with my baby boy SO much more!
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5 weeks
October 14, 2008 12:09 AM
Posted By Shannon
Wow, 5 weeks.. I almost typed 5 months.. sometimes it feels that long. 5 weeks since I kissed my sweet boys head and held him close, 5 weeks since I lost my dreams.. I took a walk today, while I walked alone, I let my thoughts take me over.. it dawned on me that Dresden will never have any 'firsts'
no first christmas, birthday, smile, steps, tooth, no first cry, no first breath! There are still really times that I go about my day and I honestly don't believe that this happened! I wonder when it will settle into me completely? How long does it take to realize 100% that your baby is DEAD.. never coming back, never being born ALIVE! I mean, sure.. I realize this.. I'm not crazy or anything (at least I hope not) but still.. I can't explain it fully.. I guess with all of my being, I just want it to not be true... but I know that as much as I wish I could will him to be alive, it just ain't happenin'!
Sunday we had a really great day! We went to Lower Huron metropark, took a great nature walk along the river over some very hilly and rooty terrain! Then in the evening went to Hallween in the village! A seriously fun beautiful day of fresh air and laughter! When we got home and it was time for bed, I just lost it! All I could think is that we had this great day and HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! and I guess he was.. I wear his ashes around my neck all the time - but it's not quite the same, is it?
we went to the village for 2nd Mondays.. and would you believe that EVERY FREAKIN 'hippy' (yes I refer to moms who wear their babes and nurse in front of everyone as hippies and I LOVE them all!) momma was there today!?!? SERIOUSLY! I saw TWO women nursing their babies (in all the time that i've been a nursing mother.. I think I've seen 1 or 2 women nurse in public - not including La Leche League meetings, of course! hehee and today I see TWO, right in a row!?)! Tons of slings, wraps and various other carriers, I even saw a mom on the carousel standing next to her toddler with a newborn in a sling... that should have been ME!! I will forever be missing part of my heart! :(
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test drunk, other shenanigans and putting baby things away
October 11, 2008 9:05 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I thought it would be a good idea to have a 'test drunk' before the halloween party, since I intend to drink myself silly.. so at Brandon's bday party last night, I had some beverages of the alcoholic sort.. Did I turn into 'there's a tear in my beer' sorta drunk? umm not quite.. but I also didn't feel super chipper like I normally do when the booze is a flowin' So, I guess it's safe to drink next week if the mood strikes! For this outing, Gwen actually spent the night with Shaun's parents.. it was like the first time (for us at least) because the first time Gwen spent the night anywhere was a month ago when I was giving birth to Dresden and spending the night in the hospital. It was strange to sleep in our bed with no Gwennie! Of course, we didn't get home til 4am (thanks to uncle rico!).. soooo I guess we weren't without her for all that long! ;) She didn't even miss us either! We went to pick her up, and she wanted to STAAAAY! hahaa Now, you might think that would make me sad.. but it doesn't.. I'm grateful that she wants to stay there longer.. then we don't ever have to feel guilty or bad for leaving her!
Our neighbor came over today with a basket of fruit and veggies for us! I continue to be just amazed at the thoughtfulness and generosity of others. She told us that she experienced a full term loss 44 years ago (a baby boy as well), and you never forget your baby. I didn't think you could ever forget, but I can't tell you how nice it is to hear that from people who went through it.. I never want to forget my sweet son, and I'll make sure that all of our children hear about the brother that is missing from our family.
We played tennis today! It felt really great to play again.. I only played a couple times this year.. the last time was July, .. I was pretty huge.. it was tricky to bend over to get the balls! haha
We put all the baby stuff in the attic today (the clothes are staying in the dresser armoire down here though) I came in as Shaun was putting a plastic bag over the bassinet top.. and I could see he was getting emotional. So, I jokingly said, why in the heck are you crying about THAT?! You know he would have NEVER slept in there! hehee (Hey, we're a family bed kind of family, what can I say?) Then he left the room to get duct tape or something and came back to me crying.. he said, HEY! Didn't you just say how he wasn't gonna use any of this stuff anyway, so why ya crying? I said, but HE WAS GOING TO USE THIS... the car seat! :( We actually already had it installed in the van.. my sister removed it for us, so we wouldn't have to ride home with the empty baby carrier on the way back from U of M... I know one thing.. next time we have a baby, NONE of that stuff is coming down! I'm not washing any clothes, we've got a box of diapers in the closet - there will be nothing that we need to buy (all a newborn needs is momma milk anyway!!)- once we walk in the house with a breathing living baby, then we can get stuff out! You know the old saying.. don't count your chickens before they hatch!

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One Month
October 9, 2008 10:07 AM
Posted By Shannon
1 month ago I became a mother of a dead baby, I joined a club that NO ONE wants to join, I had part of my heart ripped from my chest.. and grief is such a strange emotion.. last night after adding the picture of the Stone - I was looking at pictures of Dresden (I was thinking about sharing some, but I'm just not ready yet). I completely lost it, Shaun did too.. I haven't sobbed like that in probably two weeks - my tears now are quieter, not as dramatic.. I thought I was over the worst of the uncontrollable sobbing, guess I was wrong.
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The stone
October 9, 2008 3:24 AM
Posted By Shannon
As you know from my last entry, we were working on a stone for Dresden to have at the cemetary with papa! Shaun did a freakin' great job! He's so talented.. all free hand with a dremel and crap!
I was intending to use a little big bigger stone, but this is all I could find (in a bag of stones at Michaels) so we'll be on the lookout for a river type stone.. something nice and smooth.. maybe the size of a fist.. then I'll put Shaun to work again on the bigger one and we'll do a trade.. but for now, this is perfect!
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tomorrow..
October 8, 2008 11:37 PM
Posted By Shannon
It's creeping up on us... tomorrow is the 9th.. 1 month since Dresden's birth.. we've been preparing. I figured the 1 month mark would be a good day to go to the cemetary and leave some of Dresden's ashes at papa's grave. I know papa would be heartbroken for our baby boy if he was here, and who knows maybe their souls are hanging out together waiting to be born again (empty womb here.. unless you're gonna just die again!)? I always kind of thought that Dresden could have even been papa reincarnated - but I was going to wait to see how Dresden reacted when we did the MOO cow that papa always did to all the kids to see if there was a glimmer in his eye to decide for sure!! :) Anyway, we want to put some ashes there, so we're working on making a little stone to go above where we put the ashes, that way there is a little memorial there and folks visiting papa can say howdy to Dresden too!. We're trying to engrave his name on something so we'll just have to see how it turns out - so far it's not going well. The engraver I bought sucks! Shaun went out with Gwen to get a different one and I went looking for a different stone. i like to drive by myself at night.. I can turn up my sappy music and cry all alone... hey, I've got a box of tissue in my car now.. how crazy is that!?
meh, anyway.. I'm off to the garage to assist Shaun with the engraving project.. if it turns out professional looking.. maybe we'll start a new buisness!! GRAVE MARKERS!
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4 weeks
October 7, 2008 7:14 PM
Posted By Shannon
Dear Dresden,
You would be 4 weeks old today. It hurts me to sit here without you, to not hear your cry., to not hold you close, nurse you, smell you. I'll never know what color eyes you have, what your voice sounds like, what kind of personality would you have? Would daddy say, that your scowl looks like mine? Would I say your focused look was all him? We will never know. The pain we feel in your absence is great. I will always wonder why you left us. I was so sure you did a good job picking us as your parents when I got pregnant so quickly (first try!)- (who wouldn't want two of the awesomest parents around, eh?!! hehe) you knew we would never hurt you, from conception until WE died we would have taken the very best care of you as humanly possible (your wife would have hated us!)! Yesterday we went to have ice cream, your big sister is still waiting for you to come home (or out).. she said, when our baby comes out, he can have rainbow ice cream too and he can sit right here next to me! I can't tell you how much it devastates me that you aren't here to be the little brother that she's been waiting for. Your family misses you so much baby boy and we will love you forever!
Love, momma

another lovely poem..
"Before you were conceivedI wanted youBefore you were bornI loved youBefore you were here an hourI would give my life for youThis is the miracle of life.~ Maureen Hawkins"
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Another great poem
October 6, 2008 1:15 PM
Posted By Shannon
REMEMBERINGby Elizabeth DentGo ahead and mention my child.
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

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sweet dreams
October 6, 2008 10:19 AM
Posted By Shannon
I ask Dresden every night to visit my dreams.. last night I was pregnant with him again.. I knew he had already died, but in the dream I went to the midwife, and she found his heartbeat and said, there's your baby! I couldn't hear the heartbeat, but I believed her, then I felt two little kicks... I said, I need to see him, is there anyway!? She handed me these funky futuristic goggles, I put them on and peered into my belly.. there he was, moving around, bringing his arms up to his face, I asked how is this possible? He was dead?! Is this real? She said, sometimes things happen.. i asked would he be brain damaged because of dying before? No, he shouldn't be, she said.. so i left and called everyone up to tell them the news!
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babies babies EVERYWHERE!
October 5, 2008 2:10 PM
Posted By Shannon
I can't help but observe the world - my world- being surrounded by babies! I know 9 people, not including myself who are either due this year or have already given birth! Wanna know the crazy thing???
ALL GIRLS! Except for one who is keeping it for a surprise - we'll know in a few weeks!
and me.. I had a boy - a sweet little boy! Isn't that strange? I kind of feel like what the heck!? DIDN'T WE NEED him in the world to balance out all these girls?? seriously! I'm kind of glad most or maybe?? all of these babes in my family and friends circles are girls.. it's still hard to look at a newborn but a newborn boy makes me want to run and hide! :( I wonder how long it will be before I can hold a baby without feeling like my heart will leap out of my chest and run for cover! I miss my baby.
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Random thoughts..
October 4, 2008 1:19 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, I'm really pissed.. I just wrote like a half a page here and mentioned to Shaun how my computer is running slow.. soooo he starts fiddling with it (even though I say, let me finish FIRST) aaaaaaannnnd.. then my page RESETS! grrrrrrrrrrr! So, now i have to try remembering what I'd already written.. if you know me, then you may know how much I absolutely HATE re-doing stuff.. so here I go..
Cool birthdays - we all have them.. except poor Shaun, his is 9/27
me-6/6
gwen - 1/1
Dresden - 9/9
Now that I will have planned cesareans with my subsequent pregnancies (when we're brave enough to do this again) I can perhaps pick cool bdays on purpose!? Maybe 10/10? or 11/11? Sounds good!
I was thinking yesterday that someday Dresden will be a big brother! I've only ever thought of him as little brother until then.. and then I thought, how strange it will be because obviously we'll love and adore the next child and at the same time the fact will be that if Dresden hadn't died that child would not be here! We would have never gotten pregnant before he was 18 months old (but more likely 2yrs) because I didn't want pregnancy to cause early weaning - not to mention that I didn't even ovulate after Gwen until she was 10 months old(another great breastfeeding benefit!)! - so getting pregnant 5-6 months after a birth would be pretty much impossible! I read this poem yesterday in the back of a book on trying again after loss.. it's really beautiful.
A Different Child poem by Pandora MacMillian
People noticeThere's a special glow around you.
You growSurrounded by love,Never doubting you are wanted;Only look at the pride and joyIn your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimesBetween the smilesThere's a trace of tears,One dayYou'll understand.
You'll understandThere was once another childA different childWho was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothesThat child will never keep them up at nightIn fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,When mother and father miss so muchThat different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmlyAnd may you learn the lesson foreverHow infinitely preciousHow infinitely fragileIs this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or womanYou may see another mother's tearsAnother father's silent griefThen you, and you aloneWill understandAnd offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,You will tell themWith great compassion,"I know how you feel.I'm only hereBecause my mother tried again."
Yesterday, I drank wine.. Brent asked if I wanted some, and I almost said, no.. but then something clicked in my head and I thought, what the hell.. Im not pregnant, I'm not nursing - WHY WOULDN'T I???
What else?? I dunno.. I have good days and bad.. mostly moments of bad, not usually whole days. He's always in my thoughts, even when I'm lauging and chasing gwen at the park. That makes me happy... I don't want him going anywhere.
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A Walk to Remember
October 2, 2008 4:34 PM
Posted By Shannon



A Walk to Rememberand Tree-Planting Ceremony
October 18, 2008 @ 1:00 p.m.(Gathering begins at 12:30)Nichols Arboretum, Ann Arbor, MI



A Walk To Remember is a time for families, friends and staff to join with others who share a similar journey: A time to come together to honor hopes, dreams and memories. All are welcome to visit the Walk to Remember trees in this beautiful and peaceful preserve. It is open to the public from sunrise to sunset.



http://www.med.umich.edu/nursing/holden/walktoremember.html
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October is..
October 1, 2008 9:43 PM
Posted By Shannon
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October
October 1, 2008 12:00 AM
Posted By Shannon
Feeling sad, yet again.. I was never pregnant with Dresden in October.. I was never supposed to be, but still it feels like we've skipped into a new month and farther away from when my baby was inside me and full of life. :(
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Dresden's birth story - the long version..
September 30, 2008 12:33 AM
Posted By Shannon
Dresden's birth story - September 9, 2008written September 30, 2008
I guess you can say it started on Sunday night, close to midnight. I was trying to remember the last time I felt the baby move - it seemed like it had been a while. Reclining always made him move, so I laid back in the chair and poked him a bit.. nothing. Shaun came over and talked to him - asked him what he wanted his name to be. I said, he's just so big there isn't any room, babies do this kind of slowing down thing as you prepare for labor - they like to rest up, I guess for the big event! I went to sleep figuring I'd feel him tomorrow. Monday it was my job to get the boy to move! All day I reclined, drank the Gatorade that I picked up for labor, laid on my left side, then my right, read all kinds of stuff online about this being normal late term stuff. Shaun was way more worried than me.. he wanted me to get a doppler and find the heart beat! I had to go to Walmart for cat food, so I thought.. a stethoscope would work.. meh, sucky stethoscope, barely heard MY heartbeat. When Shaun got home from work, he called the hospital... I was mildly concerned, but still felt like this was no biggie - when the midwife called back, I spoke to her and she said that it's likely no problem, but lets have you come in for a check.. I was a little annoyed to have to drive out there for 'nothing' I knew that we'd be on our way back home in no time and they would tell me what I knew and that was that the baby is down low into the birth canal and he's just getting prepared for a great fast labor! The drive out there was long.. I got a little nervous as we got closer, just because I was going into a hospital. Gwen fell asleep in the car seat. We parked and made our way to triage - they were expecting us. I got a bracelet and went right back to the room.. peed in a cup, changed into my gown and waited for a minute for the nurse. She put the fetal monitor on, but didnt' find anything... she didn't try long and I wasn't worried.. she said, instead of worrying you, we'll just get the ultrasound machine in here.. as she said that the nurse with the machine rolled in. They started the ultrasound. Scanned the baby, Shaun turned around - I could see that he knew, his eyes were just darting from side to side, he was starting to tear up, he knew.. I knew too. I'd seen my baby on ultrasound before - he was always wiggling around, trying to get away from the pushing and his heart was always beating. They called the doctor in.. she looked for herself and told us in the gentlest way possible that she was looking at the baby and there was no heartbeat. Shaun started screaming NO! NO! My SON! MY SON!! HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? HIS DUE DATE IS SO CLOSE ! HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? The nurse told him that he needed to breathe or he would pass out. Gwen was asleep in her stroller. I tried to comfort Shaun. He kept saying the same things over and over - I can't believe you're handling this better than ME! I wasn't handling it at all.. I was in shock - I was thinking the same things he was thinking, I just couldn't believe it.. maybe the ultrasound machine was broken? maybe something was unplugged? This couldn't be happening! I would KNOW if my baby was dead! wouldn't I? How can you NOT KNOW! What about intuition? How could I not know! The doctor asked how we would like to deliver.. I told them that I had a previous cesarean, and couldn't be induced.. I said that I can't go through labor and delivery, I just couldn't do it - I needed another c-section. They left us for a little while to talk.. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The doctor came back in and asked when I had eaten.. I said, 2 hours ago- even though by then it had probably been 3 or more.. that meant the c-section would have to wait until 1am - it was only 8pm. The nurse/grief counselor (who also lost a baby 30 years ago) called our parents, so they could come to the hospital. We had her tell them what happened, so they didn't think that they were on their way for happy things. They moved us to a room, where we just waited. The hospital staff was great with us, they checked on us often, at one point the midwife just sat with us. We cried a lot, and just waited. I kept putting my hand on my belly and my mom would hopefully ask why I was doing that.. does it feel like he's moving? No, just keep getting braxton hicks contractions.. my whole belly would just tighten, and it made me think of my baby. A lot of this part is such a blur, I just waited and wanted to see my son and to hold him and waiting was hard. Finally the time came.. Shaun put on his c-section gear and had to wait in the hallway. He told me later that when people would walk by and smile at him, because they knew he was about to meet his baby - every dad in that chair is filled with excitement! Not this time though.. this time it was a dad filled with dread and praying that there was a mistake.. hoping for some kind of miracle, willing for a living baby to come of my uterus! I had a spinal block - I asked the doctor if I would get a headache - he said, no.. it's a thinner needle than they used to use, and it's rare to get those anymore.. why did I even ask that? Why did I even care? He poked between my spine - it hurt! I thought he was sticking needles in.. but it was his fingernail, trying to get the best place.. he placed the block, I laid down and they made sure the drugs were working. My body was numb, my poor baby dead inside of me - my mind was numb too. Waiting was torture.. I kept making sure they didn't forget about Shaun.. finally he joined me. I kept asking the midwife if he was born yet, did they cut me yet, are they done? I was shaking uncontrollably - from either drugs or birth, at some point I ask the anesthesiologist if there was anything to stop the shaking!? He said, I can try to give you something for it.. it helped a little. The midwife told me that he was born - obviously that miracle thing didn't pan out.. there were no cries, only mine and Shaun's.. there were no happy congratulations, only sadness and sympathy. They asked if we wanted to see him right away? YES! I want to see my son! The baby who grew inside of me, who lived and died inside of me who was part of me! I want to see him! Shaun held him first, just hugged him and cried. I kissed his little head, his sweet little head. His skin was a little peely, since he had died inside - otherwise he was just perfect, a delicate little face, the cutest button nose. It took forever for them to stitch me back up, I kept asking the midwife if they were almost done? Halfway.. oh god! I can't handle this anymore! I held our baby boy as they wheeled me back to the room. They didn't take me to recovery like they normally do with c-section patients.. Who wants to be in a room with moms and their live babies when all you have is a dead one? Shaun's parents had taken Gwen home, it was late.. I think almost 3 before I got back in the room. My mom and sisters were there waiting to meet the grandson/nephew that we didn't get to keep! Shaun and I held him for a little while, then everyone else got a chance to hold him.. we took pictures - I regret not getting one of Shaun and I holding him together.. but I guess our brains weren't functioning on normal, so we'll have to make due with what we have - the nurse also took pictures of Dresden for us and made hand and foot prints. At 4:30am or so, I told my mom and sisters that they could leave.. go home and get some sleep! We kept the baby with us in our room all night. Shaun held him, but mostly he was in bed with momma. He stayed with us until about 11am when Shaun's parents returned with Gwen, Dawn and Brittany. We felt that Gwen was too young to see or hold her brother, so we had the nurse take him for a while. When Gwen came in, she said to me.. you took our baby out yesterday momma? I tried so hard to not cry in front of her.. I didn't want her to worry. Shaun and I hadn't decided how to talk to her about Dresden's death yet. It's not a conversation we ever thought we'd need to have. We eventually got moved to a bigger more comfy room.. had dinner and then everyone left. We brought Dresden in one more time to say goodbye. It was harder now, because we knew that this was goodbye, but also because his tiny body was now cold and his skin condition worse. We held him and cried.. how can this happen to such a perfect baby? We kissed him, said goodbye, the nurse came in - Shaun wanted to make sure we got HIS hat and blanket, so we took those items. She covered our baby up and wheeled him out the door and out of our lives forever. I'm sitting here writing this 3 weeks later - and it STILL does not feel real. I wonder if it ever will? When the doctor came in later, I asked her when I could leave.. we just wanted to get home! She pretty much said, whenever I wanted. We left on Wednesday at 6am! 30 hours after giving birth to our 2nd child by cesarean. As Shaun wheeled me out of the hospital, i felt so defeated.. I was leaving the maternity ward with NO BABY... I had staples in my stomach, I had layers of my body cut INTO - and for WHAT??? I had nothing to show, I was missing part of ME.. and Shaun was missing part of him. We were missing the future we saw when I took that pregnancy test on January 4th, 2008 - that future is gone, forever, just like Dresden.
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February 2, 2008
September 29, 2008 3:48 PM
Posted By Shannon
I am in a cleaning mood today. I've cleaned the carpets in the front half of the house, laundry is almost done, I went through the dead flowers that covered my ping pong table .. then I decided to put the baby clothes away - not too far.. just in the closet part of the dresser in Gwen's room.. while going through them, I put the things that were bought specifically for Dresden on one side and all the other gender neutral things that Gwen also wore on the other side.. I'm not sure why, it just felt right. Then I remembered that something was missing.. I bought a blue outfit early on, because I was so sure he was a boy that I knew I could buy obvious boy things! I found the childrens place bag in the closet - still with the receipt. .. 2/2/08 - about month after taking the first pregnancy test (1/4/08) we had plans for this baby boy for so long. He was so wanted and loved - how could he leave us? I will never understand!
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Well...
September 29, 2008 10:17 AM
Posted By Shannon
I did it.. something I wasn't sure I would ever do.. took my kid to the ZOO! Oh dear, what kind of animal rights activist am I? I've been thinking about this for two years. How was I going to tell Gwen NO when she asked about going to the zoo? Then at some point this year, my feelings about seeing zoo 'prisoners' was overshadowed by my desire for Gwen to SEE animals the she just loves! I also figured that she will grow up to be more compassionate if she can actually SEE animals and realize that they are real beings with feelings! The Detroit zoo got rid of their elephant exhibit a few years back, based solely on compassion, so I figured I could support them with a little less guilt. I told Shaun last month that when he was off work after the baby was born, that I wanted to go to the zoo - I think a lot of people with newborns have that idea.. since the place seemed to be swarming with them! Overall we had a really nice time there though. It's a lot different than it used to be back in the day! Most of the habitats were actually really nice. They have two bald eagles that have wing injuries and would not have survived in the wild - so they took them in. Space wise, most of the animals had room to roam. I wasn't crazy about the Lion or Tiger habitats.. they seemed much too small.. Don't big cats like to run?
Gwen's favorite animals were the Capybara and the lemurs! (thanks to those sexy kratt brothers and zooboomafoo!) She also loved the reptile house and the frogs! After 4 hours of walking around the zoo.. I felt it in my uterus! I think I might have overdone it - sometimes I 'forget' that I had some serious abdominal surgery less than 3 weeks ago.. I was worried that I'd wake up today feeling terrible, but nope.. I feel physically fine.. guess I didn't break anything.
and by the way.. one thing we will NEVER do.. NEVER EVER EVER EVER!! a circus.. well, perhaps when Gwen wants to protest!

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Happy Birthday Shauny
September 26, 2008 7:11 PM
Posted By Shannon
Tomorrow is Shaun's 30th birthday!!
I love you Shauny boy!! Even though you're really old now, you're still pretty amazing!
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The village
September 26, 2008 4:55 PM
Posted By Shannon
Gwen and I went to the village today. A nice relaxing time. We rode the carousel twice! Gwen was even interested in looking around the houses - she's growing up! I can't wait to go to Hallowee'n in the village next month.. she's going to love it!
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Time
September 26, 2008 10:16 AM
Posted By Shannon
Shaun and I were talking about time last night. It is so strange how time seems to change - There are moments when it seems like I was pregnant SOOOOO long ago, I mean.. it almost feels like YEARS! It hasn't even been 3 weeks! Then there are times when I'm sure I'm still pregnant and this whole thing just never happened! Shaun went back to work this week - it feels like he's been back forever! I just can't explain it.. on the other hand, it's almost October and I wonder where did the month of September even go? So, in some ways, September is the longest month of my entire life and in another way, it's the month that doesn't seem to exist! Shaun says this is how it is to him too.
I wonder if this whole skewed concept of time is the brains/bodies way of protecting you somehow? I Also find myself wondering - did cavemen feel as sorrowful as I do right now? Did they have the brain capacity for this kind of grief? While they were cruising around on thier dinosaur friends and making saddles for them to wear - were they thinking about their lost babies? (I have to add in case it isn't obvious enough,,, TOTAL SARCASM!)
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Things he doesn't need..
September 26, 2008 10:16 AM
Posted By Shannon
Yesterday, I tried on my new slings - I couldn't help it... I passed the pool table and saw the laundry basket of Dresden's clothes and things - all freshly washed, all waiting to be worn - the slings were sitting on the top, so I tried them on. Crazy, right? Then I saw the snugglesaurus outfit that I got for him as a gift from Gwen and it's really so hard to think that he'll never wear it - the little boy socks are especially hard to look at. :(
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New cell phones!
September 26, 2008 10:16 AM
Posted By Shannon
So, Shaun and I finally got some new phones. We've had our old ones since living in our apartment! (been in our house over 5 years!) So, the batteries didn't stay charged and then while in the hopsital the car charger for my phone broke - so what good is a dead phone with no charger!? We just transferred our virgin mobile service to the new phones so we got to keep our minutes/plans - we only have to add 15 bucks every 3 months.. it works for us, cause we have no use for a cell most times and just like to have it for emergency situations (I know crazy!!) So, the new phones we bought were only 13 bucks!! They are sooo much more fancy than our old ones too! haha
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How many?
September 25, 2008 2:27 PM
Posted By Shannon
I asked Shaun last week if someone asked him how many children do you have, what would he say? He said, One.. the thought of that alone broke my heart even more.. I told him, but we have two children. He said, I know.. but the thought and having to explain brings sadness to everyone involved. Then he thought we should roll play.. he would be the 'new friend' and I would be me..
Shaun (new friend): Hi, nice to meet you! How many children do you have?
Shannon (super sad momma of TWO babies) Thank you for asking, I have two children - one is dead. :( (using as much sarcasm as I could possibly at the time)
Shaun (new friend): Ohhhh, sorry, not your friend anymore!
I could not help but crack up laughing!! 'sorry, not your friend anymore?? what the heck kind of comment would THAT be?
This will be a difficult question for me to answer though in all seriousness. I do feel as though I have two children, and it seems that answering differently would make Dresden's existence something that never happened. At the same time, I can understand the want/need to answer differently to make things easier and not awkward for the unsuspecting person asking a question. I guess I'll just say what pops into my head at the time and hopefully it's eloquent! ;)
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Midwife Appt.
September 24, 2008 6:58 PM
Posted By Shannon
Well, I think I did better than i thougth I would. The drive there was hard.. I cried in the parking lot. But get this! When I first got into the car, this little hopping grasshopper type guy jumped on my arm. I rolled the window down and let him out (or so I thought) When I was on the freeway, the little guy hopped onto me again! I was going to roll the window down, but then thought naaa.. he'd get smooshed on the freeway! So, in the parking lot, while I was crying before getting the guts to go inside here HE is again! I just started laughing - maybe the bug was a sign to smile from my boy? Shaun was meeting me at the office, I thought it would be a good idea incase I couldn't handle it on my own.. and also because Shaun would remember the questions we wanted to ask, and remember the exact details that the midwife said! Anyway, when I went inside and got on the elevator the nurse who usually takes me back gets in with me... she's on the phone, returning from her lunch break.. I find myself hoping that she doesn't really remember me.. the doors open and she LOOKS at me.. it was clear by her expression that she knew exactly who I was - that one sad look said it all... I had to go straight to the bathroom for a quick meltdown before going to the desk to check in. Shaun arrived as a different - new nurse called me back. Wow, I still have amazing blood pressure! I thought maybe it would be like 1000/555 - but nope, 116/68 .
So, the midwife comes in.. this is not the part of their job that is enjoyable, I'd guess - coming in to talk to grieving parents instead of the usual, YAY you've had a baby, lets get those steri strips off your c-section incision and get you on your merry way, so you can nurse that new baby again! Nope.. this isn't the kind of appt. I wanted either, but it's what I got! We talked for a while. She showed us the blood and placenta results - EVERYTHING they tested for is NEGATIVE (except that I had parvovirus(i thougth that was a dog illness) as a child??) YAY! I'm SOOOO relieved that the herpes and syphilis test came back negative - I was SOOO worried! She asked if we were thiking about having more children. Yes, we are - I asked her how long we have to wait? She says the basic reccommendation is 18 months between births.. I tell her that there is no way we want to wait that long - it's TOO long! She reccommends that we meet with a preconception maternal fetal medicine guy (or is it a girl?) to go over this stuff and that esp. since there is NO CAUSE in Dresden's death that there may be other blood work he could run.. making sure I don't have any blood clotting disorders or what not. She gives me a refferal to see this new doc. She also says that the ABSOLUTE minimum time to wait to try again is 3 months. We'll see, I wouldn't be making any attempts prior to that anyway (I do realize that the cesarean needs to heal, as well as our hearts).. I was thinking maybe 4-5 months. I asked her how early they can take the baby out of my body! I want to be pregnant for as little time as possible! - THIS coming from someone 3 weeks ago, who even though I was 9 months pregnant in August, I was STILL loving it! I would have stayed pregnant til October! So, now I'm asking.. WHEN, please say 36 weeks! 37 maybe?? She said, maybe 37 - they would probably do amnio to check the babes lungs.. Anway, it feels strange and wrong to be even thinking about another baby, just know that I would never want to replace Dresden - he WILL never be replaced, there will always be a special place in my heart, in my life for my 2nd child, for my son, my sweet Dresden.
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Dresden
September 23, 2008 2:14 PM
Posted By Shannon
A truly beautiful little boy. I thought from the 3D ultrasound that he looked a lot like Gwen, but they actually looked quite different. Dresden had really dark hair.. kind of shocked us! He didn't have tons of it by any means.. but what he did have was probably as dark as my hair is now. I was born with no hair and when it came in, it was pretty light. Shaun too had light hair as a baby. I wonder if Dresden's hair would have lightened over time, or would it have always stayed so dark? He had the cutest tiny little nose and lips like mommy and gwen. A long body - a bannana baby like his big sister.. long and slender! 8lbs isn't really small for a newborn, but when they have the length it gives that appearance. He had long fingernails on large hands - I seriously would have need to bite those little nails immediately so he wouldn't scratch himself. His skin tone seemed like it would have been darker than any of us pale folks in his immediate family too! I'll never know what color eyes he had. Probably blue - since most of our eyes are blue (Shaun just has one partially brown eye) or maybe he would have got daddys multi colored eyes! I always thought that would be cool.
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on a happier note
September 23, 2008 1:50 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, the last message was really pretty negative. This is a happier one. I wanted to mention a couple of special gifts that we received in honor of Dresden.

A brick paver at heritage park with his name and birthdate. We go to the park often and will always look at Dresden's brick with love and fond memory! Thank You!

Dresden also is the proud owner of a place in the solar system! He has a star named for him! Ursa Major (BEAR!!) RA8h36m46.39sD59 - (I have no idea what those numbers/letters mean other than it telling us which star - Shaun's job!) We have a star chart and everything that shows his location. A very thoughtful and cool - no awesome gift!! Thanks guys!
Gwen has a book that talks about sister star (all I see is part of me) and now she has a brother star too!
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2 weeks
September 23, 2008 10:15 AM
Posted By Shannon
Already? 2 weeks since our sweet son was born. Part of it seems SO incredibly long ago, sometimes it feels like it must have been 2 months, even 2 years ago! Then there are moments where I couldn't possibly have had a baby two weeks ago.. didn't I just feel him wiggling around yesterday? Isn't Gwen still talking about when baby brother comes out that she's going to read him a story? Don't I still think I'll be taking him trick or treating held close to my body in the new sling?
Most times I really feel like I'm on the outside of this looking in.. it's like a movie - a really terrible one- I still think it's not happening to me. I wonder if it will ever be completely real. I read in a book that in a study they did on a group of parents that had stillborn babies how long it took them to be happy again (amost the same level of happiness as they had before) for the mothers it was 8 YEARS!! For the dads they peaked at 3 years and started to fall again? Strange! Of course, I should mention that for both groups in the study they were almost as happy by 3 years, but never really acheived the same happiness as they had before. That alone makes me sad.. I want that happiness for myself and Shaun - I want to be dumb, and close my eyes to this, I want to imagine that this CAN'T happen... and esp. not to US! Maybe the crackwhore popping out babies drug addicted.. maybe smokers, drinkers, addicts, pill poppers,(afterall, these are the things that INCREASE chances of a stillborn babe) people who NEVER wanted a baby - whatever! NOT US! I'm sorry.. please don't think that I'd wish a baby death for ANYONE - not the biggest druggie in the world, not even the person who will beat their children - I would never wish a baby to die.. it's just too cruel, it's unfair- and you realize when true tragedy walks through your door that nothing else matters - you got long grass that needs mowed?? who gives a crap! someone's having a 'bad' day? SORRY, don't care! Talk to me when you have a dead baby in your mind.
Wow, so I just read this again.. I guess that whole 'angry' part of greif is popping in to say hello.. I thought bout deleting most of this entry, but nahh, I'm gonna leave it. Sorry if your offended, but this is sorta like MY journal... i'm not going to hide my feelings here - no matter how raw and cranky!
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2 week follow up
September 22, 2008 11:04 AM
Posted By Shannon
Who knew that making a follow up appointment with the midwives would be so hard. I call this morning and the receptionist asks me questions.. like when did you deliver? who do you want to see? what's your registration number? I can barely speak! I can barely breathe... I have my appointment for Wednesday at 12:30.
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His Name
September 21, 2008 7:27 PM
Posted By Shannon
Dresden Shaun Ryan -
While on our drive to Tennessee for my sisters wedding in May, I brought along the baby name book.. we were determined to find a name for this little guy growing inside of me! Gwen was so easy to name, but nothing seemed to fit for the boy! Anyway, as we were driving, I pulled out the name book and was looking at the D names.. I said, Hey Shaun! How about Desmond? (like the guy from Lost!?! we both agreed, that Desmond was a solid NO) but just as I said, Desmond, we drove under a sign that said Dryden and I guess I put the two names together and said, what about Dresden? (also the name of a band I really like) Shaun immediately LOVED the name. We wrote it down and talked about it often - some people really loved the name, others thought it was strange, and others I'm sure just hated it! I looked up the meaning of Dresden - The word Dresden means "people of the riverside forest." pretty cool meaning, I thought! But I also discovered that Dresden is a city in Germany that was was bombed horribly in WWII - not exactly a positive thought. So, after many months of researching names, September rolled around and STILL we did not have it figured out.. I wanted a good solid list of names - maybe 10 that we could choose from when he was born. I figured once we got a look a him, a name would just fit! I now wonder if it was some kind of sign that picking a name was so hard. Considering we'll never really get to call out to him or make up silly songs using his name. Funny though, that whenever we would ask Gwen what her baby brother's name was - she would always say Dresden! When he was born, we never even really discussed it.. I just said, his name is Dresden - it fit.. and heck it fit even better, because he sure entered and left our world like a WWII firebombing!
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Tomorrow
September 21, 2008 11:59 AM
Posted By Shannon
Shaun returns to work. How are we going to get through the day without having eachother to hold. Hopefully Shaun is so busy at work that the day goes by fast, he'll have Dresden's hat to comfort him if he needs it! I'm debating on whether to take Gwen to the Rec center for her playground class. I'm not sure I can face the other parents, people that I'm not friends with, but have chatted to- mainly about the pregnancy, since it's always easy to find something in common when you are pregnant - since everyone there has been there! How do I walk in there.. with just Gwen, and a belly that is obviously so empty - I know they will ask about the baby! How much did he weight? or more importantly - WHERE IS HE?? What kind of mother leaves a 2 week old baby?? (Heck, I wasn't even leaving him at 3 months to go see Wicked!) I'm not sure I'll be able to talk or even walk in without breaking down - the last time I stepped foot in that place, I was a glowing happy pregnant chick. I also fear seeing neighbors... or any aquaintence that wouldn't know of our horrible loss. At the same time, can't hide out in the house all the time. I can't do that to Gwen, she deserves to have fun and light in her life!
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What are the chances?
September 19, 2008 8:34 PM
Posted By Shannon
We went to Buddy's pizza place tonight for dinner.. Shaun had a birthday coupon for a free pizza. I was already feeling emotional, Shaun always wants to know what triggers it.. sometimes things do, sometimes they don't. anyway, the tables in buddy's are insanely CLOSE.. like inches apart, pretty much if someone sits next to you, you're dining together! So, how crazy and strange that the people who get sat next to us are people we actually know!? Seriously! Good friends of Rita and Brent's (who I think we last saw at Jack's birthday party 2.5 years ago!)- Laura, Jason and Molly sit down.. I felt bad for them.. they were expecting a nice dining experience on Friday night - instead they got sat by the awkward Ryan family.. with me, who can barely say 2 words to anyone without crying and Shaun who tries his best to be 'normal' - So, if Laura and Jason read this.. Sorry and thank you for acknowledging our loss - If it were me, I would have been like CRAP! waiter.. any other tables??
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Movies
September 19, 2008 9:53 AM
Posted By Shannon
Shaun and I have watched a couple of movies lately.. No Country for Old Men (how did it win so many awards??) and Dan in Real Life.. I only mention this because I find that movies don't offer the escape they are supposed to.. by the end, I'm finding myself annoyed and overall just wishing it was over - People in movies have problems.. no one has important problems to me anymore... no one knows true heartache, I wish I was so naive to think my daily problems were as huge and important as they were 2 weeks ago.
People keep commenting on how 'strong' we are.. we're not strong. We're devastated - I wear my son around my neck! I should be carrying him, cooing at him - but I don't get to! It's not fair!! I'm not strong, I'm sad and pissed off. I did everything RIGHT! MY BABY was NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE!
When Papa died, I cried nearly every day for almost a year - usually during a car ride or a quick memory set it off. The last really good cry I had for him was right before christmas - the day before we conceived Dresden (I charted temps, so yes, I know the exact day! December 23rd) It's like my body knew and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, I had new life inside of me and it instantly took my sadness away. I don't think I'll ever be the same without my Dresden. How can you get over the memory of your husbands eyes in the triage room at U of M when he looked knowingly at that ultrasound and KNEW that the life we were so waiting for was snuffed out, knowing that if ONLY he had been born last week.. 2 days ago even that he'd be here! I'm just sick at the thoughts of what if'.
We will always remember our beautiful son Dresden, I hope you will too.

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Today
September 17, 2008 9:16 PM
Posted By Shannon
We went to Oakwoods metropark - as we took the mile loop, Gwen picked up a log and was carrying it.. this is my baby she said. Then she gave her baby to me to carry - even told me how I had to carry it(with BOTH arms!)! Then I look back at her, she had her arms cradled with nothing in them and said, I'm carrying my baby brother, Dresden. She's so loving and sweet. He would have loved having a big sister like Gwen, and I know she would have loved holding and kissing her little bro!
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One week
September 16, 2008 8:56 AM
Posted By Shannon
It's been one week since our sweet baby boy was born, one week since I held him all night long, knowing that it was all the time I had left with him. I feel empty. I remember this feeling when Gwen was born too.. there is something about carrying life inside of your body for 9 months and then just not! Except with Gwen, she was usually in my arms, or at least close to me all the time - now I just have the empty feeling.. no baby to hug, to have sleeping on my chest, just emptiness.
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Slings
September 15, 2008 7:28 PM
Posted By Shannon
I ordered two very beautiful slings a couple of weeks ago. They arrived today.. there are so many things that we bought that we just won't be needing now. It tears my heart out!
We pretty much bought the minivan because I was pregnant and we knew how much easier life would be having it with two kids! Then about a month ago, I bought a breast pump.. when I was just a few weeks pregnant I got a boy outfit - because I just knew the baby was a boy.. there is also the snugglesaurus outfit I picked up as a gift from Gwen to her baby brother, since she loves dinosaurs, then figuring we'd be making our last trip to Sams club a few weeks ago, we got a HUGE box of newborn diapers! What in the hell am I supposed to do with 256 DIAPERS?

It's one week since we had that last ultrasound in triage at U of M - almost to the minute! 1am is when they took me back for the cesarean - Our baby boy is almost one week old. He should be in my arms and I should be typing about how happy I am, or how often he nurses and how he loves to sleep just like his big sister (and parents!) but instead I type about a couple of slings he'll never get to use devastate me!
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Dream
September 14, 2008 8:09 AM
Posted By Shannon
I had a dream last night that I held my little boy in my arms and nursed him.. in the dream it had been a long time since birth and I said - no one better have given him any formula either!! He was so beautiful!
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Love
September 13, 2008 10:17 PM
Posted By Shannon
Wow - this is the only way I can sum up todays events. Aside from being one of the most difficult days of our lives, it was also a day that just showed us how much love and caring surrounds us! We love each and every one of you! Thank you so much for sharing in our grief and taking some of this heartache from us. I can't tell you how touched we are at how everyone came together to support us. Just being there with your hugs and kisses mean so very much! We are amazed at the genorosity- from flowers, cards, gifts, FOOD - you have all given us. We just want you to know how much this day has helped in our healing process. I know that life will never be the same and a part of us will always be missing but just knowing the love that surrounds us will make our days easier to deal with.

all of our love,
Shannon, Shaun and Gwen
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this day
September 12, 2008 2:32 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, Gwen wanted to go home with granmda and aunt heather for a little while. I should be taking a nap, but after laying down, I couldn't. Now I'm thinking that because the fed ex guy should be here any minute to deliver the urns and pendants we ordered for Dresden's ashes - I don't want to fall asleep and have the box sitting out in the rain. Wow.. I just heard a truck.. and it's FED EX!
The items we ordered from the memorial place are beautiful.. the free gift we got is simply LOVELY - his tiny little footprint is just perfect - I'm so glad we got that with our order.

Flowers keep arriving - thank you everyone!

Emails too.. I really appreciate reading them and hearing from people. People keep commenting on how shocked they are that I can reply to messages or write these entries.. but it really just helps me. Most of the time I'm crying while I type but it's easier to do this than to talk.

We are so lucky to have the friends and family that we have - thank you for that.
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Milk
September 11, 2008 10:54 PM
Posted By Shannon
Who ever thought I could actually be sad about my milk coming in. I so looked forward to nursing this little guy and now I'm already beginning to get engorged and I have no baby to nurse... it's so horrible! I tried to get Gwen to nurse, figuring she'd be happy to nurse when there is actually something coming out - but it's like she didn't know how! She just nursed this morning (I wasn't engorged then) and seemed to like the fact that there was milk (colostrum) again.. I really did NOT want to have to get out the breast pump for relief, but I did.. not a whole lot came out, I think I just suck at pumping. I need my baby to do it. Now after researching all of these ways to boost milk supply and to make sure you have enough milk.. NOW I have to research the opposite - how do I get rid of this milk.. this constant reminder of the baby that I will never be able to nurse - it's just too much to bear.. why doesn't my body know that I don't have my baby? He died inside of me.. my body should KNOW! Just another way my body has failed me.


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In honor of Dresden
September 11, 2008 3:56 PM
Posted By Shannon
We will be having a memorial for Dresden at our home on Saturday September 13th from 3-8pm My sister said that there will be food. If you have any questions you can send us a message.
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awake and random thoughts
September 11, 2008 9:04 AM
Posted By Shannon
I don't think I mentioned... Our baby weighed 8lb 1oz when he was born.. I don't think the nurse ever gave us his length... did she even do a length? I wish I would have asked that.. He was pretty long though.
They gave us the blanket that he was wrapped in and a hat he wore.. Shaun's been carrying the hat around and sleeping with it, It looks like the hat was hand knitted by someone at the hospital. Everyone at U of M was just wonderful to us, very sensitive and accomodating. The first night while we were waiting for the c-section, so many people would just come in and see how we were, if we needed anything - of course, they couldn't give us what we really needed.. our son to bring home! The hospital also made a memory box for us. They did hand and foot prints both on paper and cast inside sea shells, they took photo's - although difficult to look at because of the condition of his skin and the photos don't really look the same as how we saw him. They are still nice to have. We took pictures of our own too.
Gwen seems to know what's going on. When she came to visit at the hospital on Tuesday afternoon the first thing she said to me was "you took our baby out yesterday, momma?" When we started to cry, she just looked at us with such concern.. then yesterday, we asked her if she knew why we were sad.. she said, yes, but didn't give a reason. We told her that we were sad because we couldn't bring baby brother home and she started crying, a very emotional cry and said "NO! I want him to come home, I want him to come home! " I couldn't believe she seems to have such a grasp of things. I don't feel like you can really explain death to a 2.5 year old but I didn't want to ignore the fact completely, that this baby brother (a baby she's been calling Dresden loooong before we actually decided that would be his name) was coming home and doing all these things with her and now he's not. Last night she was strolling her teddy bear around and came over to me and said that her teddy is worried about me.. then a minute later, she brought him back to wipe away my tear drops! She's so sweet, we are so lucky to have her.
We ordered some small urns and pendants yesterday - how horrible to have to order these things for your baby. They had cutsie infant type of urns, but we decided on something small and pretty plain - we even spent enough money to get a 'FREE GIFT'! Can you imagine the excitment of a free gift right now? Oh, my sarcasm kills me! Anyway, it is a thoughtful free gift - a necklace that we were able to get his footprint and name engraved on.. so in all reality, the gift is perfect.
I'm sorry for this jumbled mess.. is as much for Shaun and I as for anyone else, I'll end up printing this out eventually and putting it in Dresden's memory box - so please don't feel like you have to read every entry. Writing this stuff out is theraputic for me.. and even reading my own entries later is nice. I'm also writing things down in my pregnancy journal. Shaun couldn't believe I was able to write in there yesterday.. but I have to, I have to before I forget all of these details that I'll want to remember.




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Our sweet baby boy
September 10, 2008 1:33 PM
Posted By Shannon
Okay, the email doesn't appear to have gone through.. so I'm putting this here..

Hello to all of our family and friends. I'm so very sad to have to put> this in an email, but there is simply no way I or Shaun can talk about> this over and over yet - and there are just too many people to reach.> I'm just mailing this to everyone in my inbox, if you can let others> know that I haven't reached we would appreciate your kindness. I can't> go hunting down info right now.> > On Monday the 8th, I had not felt the baby move all day, I thought just> a late term quiet day, meaning that labor would be here soon. I felt a> little concerned, but just kept prodding him hoping that something would> happen. When Shaun got home we went to U of M at the advice of my> midwife. She said that this happens a lot, and is likely nothing to be> worried about, but we should check to be safe. They took us back to> triage right away, and we both knew something was terribly wrong when> they started the ultrasound. Ever since I was 10 weeks pregnant, we> were able to see that tiny fluttering heart - the heart I had just> listened to at my appointment last wednesday- the heartbeat was gone.> Our sweet baby boy was gone! How can this happen? He could have been> born and lived weeks ago - he was completely fine! There do not appear> to be any problems, no cord issues, no placenta issues, nothing! They> are doing more testing to see if we can get answers, but in 40+% of> these cases, it just happens with no apparent reasons at all.> > For once I am grateful that Gwen was a cesarean, I had the choice to> give birth this way again. Our baby was born still at 1:45am 9/9/08.> We named him Dresden Shaun Ryan. He was absolutely beautiful and we> were able to hold him and spend a lot of time with him while in the> hospital. There are no amount of words to explain how we feel right > now. We're just grateful to be back home where we can actually get some > rest and digest everything that is happening.> > We are planning on doing a small memorial service in our home. This> will be Friday evening or Saturday depening on when we get Dresden's> ashes from the funeral home. When I get this information we will send> another message with details.> > Again, I'm really sorry for sending this news in an email it seems> beyond tacky - it's just easier to get this information to you while> being alone with my thoughts and while Gwen is still at her grandparents> house.> > Our love to you all,> Shannon, Shaun, Gwen and sweet baby Dresden> > >
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Spicer Orchards
September 6, 2008 11:13 PM
Posted By Shannon
We went to the apple orchard today! Tons of fun, tasty apples, hayride, SUPER YUMMY donuts, mmm cider and just a beautiful day!

Gwen gives baby bro a bite!Shaun is laughing because Gwen was saying something about apples (which she normally says the word APPLE very clearly) but it SOUNDED like she said assholes.. I think it's because Shaun threw an apple down after commenting that it looked like it had an asshole and so she had that memory in her head!! BAD DADDY!! BAD!! HAHHAA
Gwen, on her way to chicago in a wooden train!The maze!!
A tight sqeeze!!
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN!!

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The Ice Cream Man
September 5, 2008 11:13 PM
Posted By Shannon
Friday, Gwen had her first ice cream from the ice cream man!!
She looks worried in the picture, but after discovering that this guy GIVES OUT ice cream all was glorious!
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Is this what growing up looks like??
September 5, 2008 9:58 AM
Posted By Shannon
It was 10:30 - gwen announced, while laying in bed that she wanted nummies and bed! I nurse her for 1 -2 minutes and then offer her a cup of milk - since nursing tends to be annoying right now! (YES! she still nurses once or twice a day! maybe more once the babe is born, when there is actually milk!!) She usually goes to sleep SO easily.. I mean, some nights I could nurse her for 1 minute, she rolls over on her side and that's it! I stay for another minute then leave the room and do whatever i want! :) Last night she was fidgety, kicking her legs around and not really seeming like she was going to go to sleep. (she's been doing this all week) So, I told her that I was going to leave the room and let her sleep by herself. She then said, can you leave the bed mommy? ummm seriously!? oooooookaaaay! I said, I'll leave, but you have to stay in bed and go to sleep. If you get up, then daddy will put you back to bed. (which is what we intended to get her used to loooong before the baby is born.. obviously it didn't work out that way.) So, I leave the room, fully expecting her to get up (she's done this a couple of times in the last two weeks - asking me to leave, then getting up) about 5 minutes go by.. I go in our room and HOLY CRAP!! a sleeping Gwennie!! WHA? She went to sleep completely alone!?
I'm torn between feeling happy that she's confident enough that even though she's been parented to sleep her entire life, she's OKAY to sleep on her own and sad that this just seems like one of those growing up things! (well, I guess some babies do the crib thing all alone at 4 months - so maybe it's not really growing up! hehe)
Shaun said - won't be long before she's asking for her own bed!! I dunno... I think the girl likes to snuggle too much to want to sleep alone! Maybe when her bro is 1.5 -2 yrs old they can share a bed and have each other to snuggle! AWWW!
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Midwife appointment!
September 3, 2008 3:00 PM
Posted By Shannon
Well, I usually don't get 'checked' for dilation until I'm feeling in REAL labor - but considering that I thought Gwen's was real for many many days and I wasn't making any progress, I kind of just wanted to have a starting point.. so if I start having contractions, I'll at least know that things are happening
I'm dilated to 1cm and 80% effaced! It doesn't sound like a lot, but considering that when I was having very painful ctx with Gwen for 5 or so days and got checked in the hospital (before being sent home - a failure!) I was at 1cm and 40% - sooooo I have more progress than that - and i'm currently not feeling any pain (or pressure!)!! :) YAY! Heck, I was still only 1 cm after my water broke with Gwen, so I'm feeling pretty good right now!
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Cup o' pudding!
September 2, 2008 8:47 PM
Posted By Shannon
Well, if you were ever curious what an artistic child does with a tasty cup of chocolate pudding when her parents aren't looking....
When Shaun was taking the pictures, she said.. SMILE- MESSY PARTY!!! So, I guess she was remembering the messy party we had a couple months ago when she had the genius plan to get messy again!! She was so proud! Well, I'm off to clean the carpet! YIKES! :)
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Why am I awake!!
September 2, 2008 7:52 AM
Posted By Shannon
I've been up since 6:30 - what is wrong with me!!
I woke with a contraction, so I got up.. drank some RRL tea, ate some toast, and have been looking at the internet for an hour! Seriously I should be sleeping! OR at least cleaning, packing stuff to take to U of M for Gwen and I, umm SOMETHING!
So, now I'm tired.. It's 8am.. Shaun should be up, but - I just had to yell at him - AGAIN! and as soon as I get cozy back in bed, I bet Gwen will wake up with bright eyes - ready to make a green smoothie and start our day!
When I'm exhausted later, I have only myself to blame! hehe
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The Village
September 1, 2008 5:49 PM
Posted By Shannon
Shaun had the day off today for Labor day, so we decided to go over to the village! We'd planned on doing cranbrook yesterday, but it looks like we'll save that for when he's on vacation once the baby is born!
It was much warmer today than I thought it would be, but the village was still a pleasant time.. we also ran over to the museum afterwards to check out the chocolate exhibit. Very interesting, but for some reason I thought it would SMELL chocolatey in there.. they should have been making chocolate treats! Then when we finished the chocolate diner thing was closed, so we couldn't even have a taste! boohoo! We did get a pancake on a stick for free (leftovers from the day that were meant to be dipped in delectable chocolat'!) but it was kind of BORING - but it did satisfy Gwen, who was quite upset that we didn't buy a 5 dollar fudgie muffin in the chocolate store!! Sorry babe.. we can make a whole batch of chocolate goodness for less than that! hehe AND.. if I continue to feel this great, I think we will!
We all came home and took a nap... Shaun and Gwen are still napping.. and I think I'll be joining them shortly. yaaaawn!
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Nesting?
August 31, 2008 8:31 PM
Posted By Shannon
So, today.. the contractions have gotten pretty sporadic. AND thankfully much easier to cope with! YAY! It looks like my dream of a September (aka fake fall baby! hehee) will come true! It is now 8:30 and the last day of August. I highly doubt this little guy will be making his appearance tonight! I honestly, couldn't be happier. I've been able to take a couple of naps today and just cleaned the playroom! Shaun thinks I should pack a hospital bag.. meh - don't really feel like it! hehe I just keep wondering if the contractions are waiting until I'm all cozy in bed to return.. I'd love if they held off for a week or so though (doubtful, since I'm pretty sure I lost at least part of a mucus plug today - gross, I know!!)! Am I the only pregnant woman on earth who is not completely ready to birth her child EARLY?? I could be pregnant forever, I love it.. well all except for labor - YUCK.. that part kind of blows! ;)

Well, I'm going to go put some dishes away and maybe give the playroom floor a mop down! Sounds a bit like nesting, eh?

Good night! Soon I'll be posting about our new baby boy.. who is still nameless by the way! AHHH!
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