Right where I am - 3 years Happy Birthday Dresden

I started writing this (actually wrote it out in PEN! over a week or so in the book I keep of kiddo memories!) at the end of August..

A fellow babyloss momma Angie @still life with circles started a project called "right where I am" to show others the scope of grief at various stages of loss.  I've been wanting to write for a while now, but writing doesn't come as easy as it once did.  With Dresden's 3rd birthday coming up, I wanted to do this for him - mostly because in the early months  my biggest desire was to help others going through the same unimaginable loss, and I still want to, but reaching out seems more difficult for me at times.  In those early months I would search the internet - message boards, blogs, books, anything I could find that would help me feel not so alone... the one thing I needed most was to know that someday I would feel good again.  I read in one of many books that some people take 7 years to feel normal and as happy as they were again.  7 YEARS!  I thought that was a horrible timeline to look forward to and I knew that it wasn't what I wanted for myself or my family.  As I read through countless blogs and posts of other women walking this path, it gave me so much hope.. that one day, I would be there too. In a place not quite so raw, in a place where there were more smiles than tears and in a place where my heart didn't feel like a billion broken pieces.  I have never been so grateful for the internet, I don't know how I would have gotten through without the love and support from my fellow baby loss momma's. <3  These are the only people that I've never actually met, but still consider FRIENDS and I'm so glad and sad to have them in my life.   With September rolling in I find myself a little more open to tears, and when I feel those first autumn breezes it takes me back to that time so much easier than any other time of year.  You may think that I dread September (and maybe now I should.. since on September 1st of this year, my brother in law unexpectedly passed away - and I kind of felt like Fu#K September strikes again!  :( another devastating blow to our family, a life taken too soon  ) and part of me maybes does.. a very small part.  Being 3 years out means that my pain isn't on the surface anymore, and what I love about this time of year is that it brings Dresden out a little more. A couple weeks ago, I could smell him.. don't even try to ask what my boy smells like, I'd never be able to explain it, but it's him.   right after that "it's a small world" started playing from one of the books in the bedroom! Makes my heart so happy! <3  NO matter how much times passes, Dresden is never far from my mind.  I think of him every single day.. sometimes I wonder if it will always be that way, or if 10-15 years from now I'll still remember his smell, or the weight of him in my arms, his cute button nose and the way I felt like I would just die right along with him, the pain was so intense.  What I am now though is mostly at peace, I can think of my baby with a smile on my face and love in my heart and it's not all tears and pain.  :)  (of course, sometimes when I'm alone in my car, I jam my sappy music mix and sob... just not every day like I used to!)  I feel happy that I had a beautiful soul touch my life, even for a short time, grateful that I've had such strong support of family and friends, and delighted that I have Gwen and our little rainbow girl Delaney constantly making me laugh- even on the hard days (like today, his birthday)
So, today for my baby boys 3rd birthday, I made his apple birthday cake with my two "helpers" - I wonder if tasters would be a better name!  I looked at his pictures, and items we brought home from the hospital, and we sang happy birthday with tears in our eyes ... and then laughed because the girls had to blow out the candles 5 times!  Happy Birthday Dresden.. your momma loves you the whole wide world!! (and more!)

A very interesting photograph..

My good friend Angela captured the following photo at Delaney's first birthday party.  It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  I would never even begin to be able to explain it, and I think you'll find it quite amazing as well.   If you look at my shirt, the bottom left part of the picture, you can see a swirl of colors - within this swirl, toward the bottom there is a very clear image of an infants face.  It looks like Dresden, and what's even cooler from my standpoint, is that when she sent the picture to me, the first thing I noticed was a footprint - the face would be located in the heel of the foot..  this is meaningful to me of course, because my Dresden symbol has always been his footprint.  Shaun even put this image on top of Dresden's actual picture and the nose and mouth match up perfectly.   I just had to share this, it really made my night and makes me feel like my baby boy is still with me.

Oh my!

My lovely friend Camilla just sent us flowers for Dresden's birthday.  They are gorgeous, so I wanted to share.  Thank you SOOOOO much Camilla, Ross, Oliver (and Amalia, too!)  They brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face, Love to you all!

Happy 2nd Birthday Dresden!

Time... again, it's so strange because I feel like how could it already be two years, but at the same time I feel like how is it NOT ten years?  I still think that our minds have a way of protecting us from grief and time is a way to ease the pain?  It still hurts, I know that it will always hurt.  As soon as the first autumn breeze came through my windows, I felt Dresden.  It's his time, I can sense him more, even smell him and to me there is nothing more beautiful than that.  Today, we will pick the apples from Dresden's tree and then Gwen, Delaney and I will make Dresden's special apple birthday cake and talk about him, sings songs to him (Gwen made a song for her brother a while ago.. she likes to sing it to Delaney.. "the heart of looove, go to sleep go to sleep, the heart of looove")  Shaun will come home early, and we will sing to our baby and eat his cake.. it won't be all fun and laugher like it should, but it is his day, and we will celebrate his life, however short it was.  Yesterday my nephew said that he wished Dresden was still here, I told him that I did too.. and then he said I wish Dresden AND Delaney were both here together!  He's only 7 years old, and already so intuitive.. I think kids know so much more about life and death than we do as adults, I feel so blessed to have family and friends who aren't afraid to mention Dredsen's name, and I know they will never forget.  Happy Birthday to my sweet boy, I love you and miss you all the time.

It's that time of year again..

The time that gets me all weepy, and sick to my stomach, and just plain sad. This day 2 years ago marks the end of one of the best weekends ever!  We really lived it up, knowing the our family would be expanding soon and that it wouldn't be long before Gwen wasn't our only baby anymore.  We had such a beautiful time at the apple orchard and the build a bear shop, where Gwen made her special Tiggy Witch... we were supposed to be there making baby brother a stuffed bear, a gift from his big sis -  we never made that bear, because nothing felt right.  I wonder now, if nothing felt right because deep down I knew that there wouldn't be a baby brother to enjoy a stuffed toy.. maybe Gwen knew too..  The 8th is the day that our world turned upside down and life would never be the same, things would never go back to just plain happy.  How could they?   You go to the hospital, and see no life in your womb, no swooshing heartbeat - why couldn't that ultrasound machine just be broken, unplugged?! my womb was supposed to be a safe, and happy place for my perfect beautiful little boy and then bam!  Out of nowhere, he's just dead?  It still doesn't make sense to me, it never will.  There is a hole in my heart that won't fill up- EVER.. no matter how much joy comes after 9/9/08, there will always be a part of me that died with my son, a part that will never return.  I'm okay with that now, it's the only way I can stay connected to him, and if I know one thing, it's that I always want Dresden to be part of my life and I'm so happy that he was here, even if just for a moment in time.  I love you sweet little guy.. you'll always be my baby and you will always have a part of my heart.  Shaun and I have talked about how grateful we were that we found out Dresden's fate on 9/8/08, but he was born after 1am on the 9th.. his birth may not have been a happy time for us, but at least it wasn't the absolute WORST day or our lives..
This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTpHAbuEQac makes me sappy and I almost hate admitting that it's made me cry, it's a happy kid song!  But for me, it's just a cruel reminder that my girls' brother doesn't love trucks.. or anything, he was robbed of a beautiful life full of wonder and we were robbed of knowing him.